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Sausage Roll Rant
David Mitchell Lyrics

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A while ago, I started a story about David, Jason Statham, David Mitchell and a bunch of others.
Richard (Ayoade)'s made an uncomfortable documentary on Germans and was then being blackmailed by Germans (my favorite people, but I gave them the vilainrole anyway) and David was helping. Sadly, in my story, he wasn't very helpful and rather inconveniently friendly and shy.
I'll copy-paste a part of it. It's not a great story and about 2 pages long. I started it after an episode of TBFQE once.

While slightly panting, David took the last steps on the stairs and rang the doorbell.
Whý did Richard have to live on the 5th floor? You’d think that after all the episodes of Gadget Man, he would’ve figured that convenience is key if you want people to visit often.
The door opened and a rather greyfaced Richard looked him in the eye.
David hesitated for a moment, deciding whether a faint smile would make matters worse, but judging from the tormented look on Richard’s face, it probably couldn’t have.

‘I’ much is it now?”, David tried continuing the conversation they’d had on the phone before. “Did they manage to get the money from your other account?”
Without speaking, Richard nodded and sat down on his couch, collapsing on it like an old bag of potatoes.
It was weird seeing him this exhausted and tense, compared to his usual classy disposition.
‘And…now they’re...”, David started again, hoping Richard would finish the sentence. He wasn’t sure what else they could take from him, apart from the house around them and the couch he was currently sitting on. Yet, without the money on the bank, Richard wouldn’t be able to pay the rent either.
‘..they’ve told me that, if I don’t get the money before eight tomorrow..they will hack into the other bankaccount and drain the last bit of money.
So far, the van with items has probably already crossed the border, so that’s gone…”
He folded his hands in front of him and looked down at the ground. It looked like he was going to be sick. He sighed and lifted his head back up.
“And they’ve mentioned that if I dare to transfer the money into another bank account, they’ll go after Jimmy Carr, because they heard he didn’t pay taxes and had lots of money.”

Right as David wanted to answer, the doorbell rang again. It looked like Richard tried to get up from the couch, realized he didn’t have the energy and sank back on the pillows, while David got the door.
“Hello there…” A tall guy with a bald head and low eyebrows appeared from the hallway and sat down with a compassionate grin on his face.
“Oh Richard..what did you get yourself into? You know ‘ze’ Germans are sensitive about those sortof things..”
Richard just sighed again and Jason Statham nodded. “Sure, alright, too early for the jokes…have you informed the cops yet?”
“No, we believe that’ll only make things worse..”, David said as he sat down and put two steaming cups of tea in front of Jason and Richard.
“No, thanks, I just had a cola..”, Jason said.
‘Ah..well there were only two cups left on the shelve..but if you don’t mind..”, David said, as he grabbed Jason’s cup from the coaster and started drinking from it. This unusual display of lack of social etiquette showed how shaken he was by the situation.
Jason turned around and looked at the laptop on the table. ‘Mind if I take a look at your finances then, Richard?”
“Better take a quick look, it’ll be gone soon..”, Richard mumbled dull and took a sip of the tea.
“Now, come on, Russell and Noel are on the lookout too…Adele’s promised she’ll bring her car, so chances are big that they’ll find your items back before they’ve even reached the tunnel!’
“And you don’t think that they’ll shoot them if they try getting the items back?” Richard looked up.
“Listen..the threats have already gone from me, to Jimmy…once they know you guys are involved, you will be the new targets…I just have to get that ransom and everything will be-”
“They will never leave you alone, Richard, don’t kid yourself..”, Jason added.
“Listen..they found a reason to hate you..there’s nothing you can change about that. The only thing we can do is delay any payments, protect the rest of your belongings and get those guys out of the way as quickly as possible…”
He looked through the window, at the outside streets and looked at the laptop again.
“You said the email was German, right?”
“Well, the sender was German..the letter was in English..”, Richard sighed. “Oh, I’m sorry guys..I need to lie down for a bit..I feel so nauseous..”
“I’ll wake you when the rest is here..”, David promised while Richard shakily got up and made an attempt to shuffle to his bedroom.
“’s gonna be alright…no worries..” Jason hit him generously hard on the back and smiled. “I’ve seen worse cases mate, I’ll just get that money stored on another account and warn that Jimmy..”
He leaned backwards in a chair and clicked his tongue, while looking across the room until his eyes caught a halfempty bag of chips.
‘You don’t mind if I eat some of your crisps now, do you?’, he yelled through the room, while already taking a handful. He opened a new screen and started creating a new bank account.

All comments from YouTube:

Kieran White

Plot Twist: David was the kid


@John Tobin Not really, it was already implicit in the joke

Christina H

his rant sounded like it came from a place of personal pain

John Tobin

Brilliant! Nicely done, Kieran.

Chairman Lmao

+Kieran White The rant did sound like it came from experience

Joey Wildman


Tom B

David Mitchell should to used to interrogate terrorists 

Beardy Ry

So you have a bomb in your bag,or had,because had and have are completely different things,and why do you have a bag ? why dont you have a suitcase,surely this is more bomb worthy ?

These are the type of things he would be asking


No, I don’t think he would last long in government, before becoming a bit… stabby.

Henrik Høyrup

Exactly my thought, he would be brilliant at it.

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