Fighting Trousers
Professor Elemental Lyrics

Dear Sir, Regarding your recent foray Into the rap business and the scene you portray, See I don't normally approve of war games, But "He's biting you" is what they all say
I am addressing you, sir, and I have noticed you trying to infiltrate the rap industry with your version of rap. I do not approve of this style of music, but others say you are copying me.

And by Harry, they might be right-- This is hip hop, not an Elvis night! Shelve this Professor impersonation, Let it end now, it's impertinent waiting!
They could be correct, we are in the genre of hip hop, not some Elvis imitation. It's best if you stop pretending to be me because it's becoming insufferable to wait for you to stop.

You seem a reasonable chap, What you need to do is rap But not parody chap hop 'Cause that's not proper, just not cricket! Put away your ukulele or I'll tell where to stick it!
You appear to be a decent guy. However, instead of trying to be me, you should rap in your manner but not make a mockery of the genre I represent. Otherwise, we're going to have problems, and I might get unpleasant with you.

I - Don't like your tweed, sir! Will - Teach you the professor's ready! Not - Let's see who strikes the loudest! Lose - Put on my fighting trousers!
I am displeased with your attire, sir. I am willing to teach you the real version of rap. It's not a competition for bragging rights. I suggest you put on your fighting pants because this is going to get ugly.

I've got super producers and fans that play me You've got a granddad's mustache and a ukulele Don't look around sir, I'm speaking to you Roll up your shirt sleeves, Queensbury rules Never test professors with the cleverest wits Let's settle this like gentlemen: armed with heavy sticks On a rotating plate, with spikes like Flash Gordon And you're Peter Duncan; I gave you fair warning
I have a vast fan base and big-name producers that back me, while you have only an outmoded mustache and a ukulele that you strum away. Do not look around; I am referring to you. You must prepare for a physical altercation because your academic intelligence will not save you here. Let's end this disagreement as gentlemen do: armed with heavy sticks on a spinning plate with spikes. I'm Flash Gordon, and you're Peter Duncan, and I have given you a forewarning.

When this George Formby clone is performing Audiences go home before he begins talking A new career might be more rewarding I'm a bright Brighton peer, you're rap's Piers Morgan
When you imitate George Formby, people leave before you start talking. I recommend a different career for you since this one doesn't seem to work. I am a notable representative of Brighton, while you are the Piers Morgan of rap.

I'm not seeing you at ciphers or workshops with kids or gigs Dear sir, you're not worthy of this! Sold out to Coca-Cola Used for a trend And that means you're banned From using a pen Hope it's safe to assume you won't do this again Set foot on my stage and get ruined again Be out, Mr. B, I've set the egg timer There's not room in town for two gentlemen rhymers Leave town by the end of this instrumental Yours, et cetera, et cetera, sincerely, and so forth, Professor Elemental
I have not seen you mingling with the kids or participating in rap battles or workshops. My friend, you do not have what it takes to handle this. You've lost your artistic integrity by becoming a sell-out to Coca-Cola and being consumed in the trend. That means you cannot write your music. I hope it's safe to say you won't attempt this again. If you come to my stage or town, I guarantee it won't work out well for you. I've set the egg timer since two gentlemen rappers will not coexist in this place. Kind regards, Professor Elemental.

I - Don't like your tweed, sir! Will - Teach you the professor's ready! Not - Let's see who strikes the loudest! Lose - Put on my fighting trousers!
Once again, I'm not pleased with your cup-of-tea fashion, sir. I'm prepared to give you rap lessons. This isn't a noise-making competition. It's best to wear your physical confrontation outfit because you're out of luck.