If You Really Loved Me
Tim Minchin Lyrics

If you really loved me the way you say you do
If you actually love me in the same way you claim to do

If you love me half as much as I love you
You would have to love me to some extent if I am this devoted to you

You would pluck a planet from the sky
You would do absolutely anything for me no matter how impossible it may seem

You would use a falling star to dot the "I"
You would put in extraordinary effort to make even the smallest details special

In "I love you", that is what you'd do
This is the level of dedication that would demonstrate your love

You'd take a dreary day and you would paint it blue
You would make even the gloomiest of days enjoyable through your love and affection

If you loved me unconditionally
If your love for me was absolute and unwavering

These are the things that you would do for me
You would put in the effort to show your love in various creative and thoughtful ways

Because I need you
My feelings for you are intense and I depend on you greatly

Like a fish needs the sea
My need for you is as significant as a fish's need for water

Like a fire needs oxygen
I require you to survive, much like a fire needs oxygen to keep burning

Like a flower needs a bee
Like how a flower needs a bee to pollinate it, I need you for my wellbeing

And if you really cared for me
If you genuinely care about me

You'd let me video you while you wee
You would be willing to let me capture even the most personal moments between us

Standing up in the bath, I shouldn't even have to ask
You would be comfortable enough with me to let me film you in even the most vulnerable situations

Perhaps you'll even store a little more in a flask
You might even save me some of your urine as a symbol of your love

These are just the things that people do
These may seem bizarre to others, but when two people truly love each other, such acts of intimacy are not uncommon

When their love for one another is true
These acts of love are only demonstrated when there is a genuine and honest connection between two people

We go together
We complement each other perfectly

Like a toast and pate
We are as seamlessly combined as toast and pate

Like racism and ignorance
While not socially acceptable, some unfortunate beliefs (like racism and ignorance) can be tightly linked

Like Jews and hogmanay
Jews are not typically associated with Hogmanay, making this an odd, yet fitting comparison for the unusual but strong bond between us

But if you really want to show you care
But, if you genuinely want to make a true statement of your love

You'd let me wear your underwear
You would offer me even the most personal and intimate items of clothing as a symbol of your love

When we visit your mom, it's a bit of harmless fun
Even family visits can be turned into playful acts of love when our bond is this strong

I just like talking about your childhood with lace between my buns
Even the most unusual interests are accepted and shared openly between us as we show each other our deep affection

There's no reason for a big to-do
There's no need to make a fuss over something that feels so natural to us

If your love for one-another is true
When two people truly love each other, there is no limit to the things they will do to show it

We go together
We are a perfect fit

Like a bird and a nest
Our relationship is as natural and beautiful as a bird building a nest

Like Internet and [kiddie] porn
Though somewhat disturbing, this comparison illustrates the sometimes unnatural bond between two things

Like guns and the US
The US is heavily associated with guns, making this a fitting comparison for our unique closeness

And if you love me like you say you do
If you truly love me as you claim to

You'd purchase forty cockatoos
You would go to great lengths to surprise and delight me, like purchasing a large number of these exotic birds

And teach them to fly in formation in the sky
Even these birds would be conditioned to express our love in splendid displays designed to make us both happy

And shit the words "Tim is God" on my ex-girlfriend's Hyundai
These birds would perform an act of retribution on my behalf, fulfilling my fondest desires as a way to show you my love

Sure, it might be easier with doves
Using doves for these displays would be more conventional and less challenging

But shirking challenges is not what love's all about
True love is about taking on challenges and surmounting them together

Love is not all wine and roses
Love can have its challenges that require work and effort to overcome

Sometimes it’s handcuffs and cheese
Love, like life, can be quirky and unpredictable, involving unexpected elements such as these

No one said love is for free
True love requires effort, sacrifice and sometimes abnormal acts such as this - nothing should hinder someone ready to show their love

And if you agree with that
If you also recognize that love has a cost

You'll sing me passages from the Koran wearing nothing but your Bob the Builder hat
You would indulge in truly absurd acts to demonstrate the full extent of your love for me

To the tune of waltzing Matilda
This combination of cultural symbols perfectly captures the absurdity and strangeness of our relationship and how we do things for each other that would seem bizarre to others

I just love the combination of Islam, nationalism and Bob the fucking builder
These strange, seemingly unrelated elements are united in our bond, and this unique combination is worth celebrating

(piano solo)
Intermission. Relax for a while

Because I need you
As before, my need for you is strong and all-consuming

Like a tick needs a tock
My need for you is as pronounced as the tick and tock symbiosis in the movement of a clock

Like bananas need pajamas
Our bond is so strong that even the most seemingly unrelated things, like bananas and pajamas seem uniquely entwined with us

Like a nun needs cock
This line intentionally elicits discomfort and awkwardness to emphasize how intense my feelings for you are

And if you want to put your love for me first
If you really want to show that you prioritize our relationship over everything else

You wouldn't go through childbirth
You would make any and all sacrifices in the name of our bond, and the physical changes of pregnancy/childbirth aren't worth the strain on our love

You'd agree to adopt so that you could stay thin
You would make sacrifices for the sanctity of our love, and in this case, adopting would allow us to avoid additional physical changes

We'll get a Chinese kid, it could teach us Mandarin
Adopting from China would be a perfect opportunity to learn and benefit from their language and customs

And Communists don't make as much noise
This lighthearted observation is a humorous way to show how it's impossible to predict how an adopted child's politics and preferences will differ from ours

And they're really good at sharing their toys
This comment implies that Chinese people are particularly adept at sharing and collaborating, an admirable trait that our family would also embody

Because I dig you
This phrase means the same as "I really love you" and underlines the depth of my feelings for you

Like an Aussie digs pies
This slang term for 'really liking' something is used to emphasize the strong nature of my feelings for you

Like Born Agains dig Jesus
An example of people who are extremely passionate about something, over-the-top in their admiration, helping us demonstrate the extent of our love

Like Jesus dug guys
A deliberately provocative line, confirming the sexual preference of Jesus to underscore how unusual and unusual our relationship is

And if you love me just a modicum
Even a little bit of love would suffice to show that you care

You’d softly rub my perineum
This is another intimate and personal act that I feel conveys the level of love and trust between us

And stick your finger up my bum
A graphic but effective method of showing that we're willing to go to great lengths to please each other and keep the relationship strong

As I’m about to cum
Another graphic line that's intended to provoke embarrassment or discomfort, highlighting the passion that characterizes our love

I’ve heard that it’s quite acceptable and surprisingly fun
I've read that this can bring pleasure to both parties, and I'm eager to explore this intimate act together

Not that I'm saying that I'd want you to
I'm not completely comfortable with this act, and I'm not making any demands. I'm just saying it would show how courageous and devoted you are to our love

But hypothetically it’s something, it is something you might do
I'm not demanding, but I'm asking whether you would be willing to do something like this for me

Assuming there’s nothing worth watching on TV
This line is meant to emphasize the absurdity of the previous lines, as if to say that if there's nothing good on TV, then we might as well engage in this act - such is the nature of our relationship