Candy Bars
Mitch Hedberg Lyrics
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You know crazy straws, they go all over the place
These fucking straws are sane
They never lost their mind
They said "we are going straight to the mouth
That fucker that takes awhile to get there, he's crazy"
I - vending machines are a big part of my life
I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar
That flip goes up to block you from reaching up
That's a good invention
Before that it was hard times for the vending machine owners
"What kind of candy bar are you getting?"
"That one, and every one on the bottom row"
I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines
It would have to be real fucking big
I was going to get a candy bar
The button I was suppose to push was 'HH'
I went to the side I found the 'H' button, I pushed it twice
Fucking potato chips came out man
Because they had an 'HH' button for
Christ sakes, you need to let me know
I'm not familiar with the concept of 'HH'
I did not learn my 'AA', 'BB', 'CC's
God God dammit dammit
I get the Reese's candy bar, but if you read that name Reese's
That's an apostrophe 'S'
Reese's apostrophe 'S" on the end of that name
That means the candy bar's his
I didn't know that
Next time you are eating a Reese's
Candy bar and a guy named Reese comes by
And says "let me have that"
You better hand it over
"I'm sorry Reese, I didn't think I'd ever run into you
You're a fucking bully man
Let me at least have a piece"
Kit-Kat candy bar has the name Kit-Kat imprinted into the chocolate
That robs you of chocolate
That's a clever chocolate saving technique
I go down to the factory
"You owe me some letters"
The lyrics to Mitch Hedberg’s song Candy Bars are whimsical and satirical, but they also reveal his unique perspective on vending machines and candy bars. The lyrics are a commentary on the intricacies and absurdities of vending machines and their contents. One interesting point Hedberg makes is about the two straws he carries. Instead of using a crazy straw, which curves all over the place and is often difficult to use, he carries two sane straws that go straight to the mouth. He jokes that the person who invented the crazy straw is “crazy.” He then goes on to talk about the vending machines themselves and how the invention of the flap that blocks access to the candy bars was a good one because it prevents people from stealing them.
Hedberg continues his commentary on the vending machine when he talks about wanting to create a vending machine that sells vending machines. This joke is a bit absurd since it would need to be a very large vending machine, but it shows that he has a unique way of looking at things. He also talks about the confusion that arises when using vending machines, such as when he tried to purchase a candy bar and accidentally got potato chips instead because he didn’t know what the “HH” button stood for. In the final verse, he talks about the various candy bars and their unique characteristics, such as the Reese’s candy bar, which has an apostrophe “S” at the end, implying that it belongs to someone named Reese.
Line by Line Meaning
I got two straws in here in case one breaks down
I always carry two crazy straws with me in case one of them fails me. These particular straws are unlike the others, as they always remain level-headed and directed towards achieving their ultimate goal: bringing me refreshments.
These fucking straws are sane
Despite their unconventional appearance, my two straws are actually quite reasonable and effective in serving me drinks. They don't waver or deviate from their path like other crazy straws do.
That fucker that takes awhile to get there, he's crazy
Compared to my sane straws, other unconventional items like the crazy straw that wiggles around and takes forever to bring drinks to my mouth are indeed very erratic and unpredictable.
That flip goes up to block you from reaching up
I appreciate the small design feature of the vending machine that blocks me from being able to grab two items in one go. It's a simple, but effective invention that ensures fairness and honesty in the vending machine business.
Before that it was hard times for the vending machine owners
In the past, vending machine owners had a hard time dealing with cheaters who would take more items than they paid for. The flip-up mechanism was a game-changer for the industry and ensured that customers could only receive one item per purchase.
I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines
I have an idea for a new business venture that involves creating a self-contained vending machine that would dispense other vending machines. It would need to be quite large to accommodate the size of vending machines.
Fucking potato chips came out man
When I tried to get a candy bar from the vending machine, I accidentally pressed the wrong button ('H' instead of 'HH') and instead received a bag of potato chips. This was frustrating because the vending machine designers failed to indicate the purpose of the 'HH' button.
God God dammit dammit
I am upset and disappointed that the vending machine had unclear instructions and that I wasted my money on something I didn't want. I also lament my lack of knowledge about the letter keys on the vending machine.
Reese's apostrophe 'S" on the end of that name
I only recently learned that the Reese's candy bar is actually named after an individual named Reese, hence the apostrophe 'S'. This means that if Reese himself were to ask for my candy bar, I would have to give it to him since it rightfully belongs to him.
And says "let me have that", You better hand it over
If Reese came and asked for my Reese's candy bar, I would have to give it to him because of the way the candy bar is named. It would be foolish for me to resist, as he has the rightful claim to the candy.
Kit-Kat candy bar has the name Kit-Kat imprinted into the chocolate
The Kit-Kat chocolate bars have the name Kit-Kat stamped into the chocolate which helps to save on production costs by reducing the amount of chocolate used.
"You owe me some letters"
I might joke with the Kit-Kat manufacturer that they owe me some letters since they are taking out chunks of the bar to spell out the name. However, I know that this is simply a cost-saving measure and not meant to be taken seriously.
Writer(s): Billy Schlosser, Lisa Michaelis, Jenna Torres
Contributed by Mackenzie C. Suggest a correction in the comments below.