No Nurture
A Lot Like Birds Lyrics

All I really wanted was this home,
I desired a sanctuary where I could find comfort and escape from the harsh realities of life

a place to get away from all the cold.
A place where the coldness of the world outside would not reach me

I think I'm okay now, much more aware.
I have come to terms with my past and have gained a better understanding of myself and my surroundings

My body is failing, getting slowly there.
My physical health is deteriorating gradually

And we choose to remember, always the same place.
We have a tendency to cling to the familiar and relive the same memories over and over again

Can we move on past the outpost?
Can we break free from our self-imposed limitations and move beyond our comfort zone?

We thought that each other was all we would need.
We assumed that our relationship alone would be enough to sustain us and keep us happy

Well, I had a technicolor father with mechanical parts and an on and off heart switch.
My father was a complex individual, part human and part machine, with a fickle heart that sometimes worked and sometimes didn't

And he snapped all our plugs, dragged them out through the doorway like electrical entrails.
He forcefully disconnected us from our source of power, leaving us vulnerable and exposed

As they dangled behind him, intestinal, wormlike, I grabbed one and sank in my teeth.
I desperately clung to a piece of my former self, like a parasite, in order to survive

It showed no signs of life.
The disconnected plug was lifeless and useless without its power source

As static as a starscape that pulses when the channel is missing and signal is lost,
Like a distorted, flickering hologram, lacking clarity or purpose

only to be seen at night, in dreams and lucent skies.
And only visible in moments of subconsciousness or in the rare occurrence of a clear, starry night sky

And yes, we have found out cause it's only fair.
And finally, we have discovered the truth, which is only just and equitable

You've withheld the words of affection from when I cared.
You chose not to express your love towards me at a time when it would have made a meaningful difference

Now it's too late to mend us.
Our relationship is irreparably broken beyond repair

We start to deteriorate but we can always remember; we would not have been the same.
Although we are experiencing a decline, we can always reflect upon the positive aspects of our past and acknowledge that we are not the same people we once were

If you had stayed nearby, would I have grown up in your image?
If you had remained present in my life, would I have become a reflection of your own values and personality?

If so, then it's good that you left.
If that were the case, then I am grateful that you were not around to shape my development in such a way

They say "like father, like son."
There is a common saying that suggests a child's character and behavior are heavily influenced by their father's

Is that the reason that I constantly feel like I don't exist?
Could it be the reason why I perpetually struggle with feelings of a lack of self-identity and purpose?

I lost my fallen teeth to the bottom of the pillow.
I suffered a loss of innocence and naivety, which was symbolized by losing my baby teeth on my pillow

I lost all my sleep on Christmas Eve.
I became restless and anxious, unable to sleep, on the night that is supposed to be filled with joy and wonder

And I'd do it all over for the little optimism that I harbored before you taught me to never believe.
I would endure the pain and suffering again, if it meant that I could relive the small moments of hopefulness and positivity that I once possessed, before you instilled a sense of cynicism in me

I just can't stand to see the same old walls.
I cannot bear the monotony and predictability of my current environment

Try to leave me all alone.
Please let me be, and allow me to attempt to find my own way in the world

I don't want to see you at all.
I have reached a point of emotional detachment where I no longer desire to have contact or interaction with you

I can't help it. I'm bottling everything up.
I am incapable of fully expressing my emotions, and thus, I suppress them, which is not a healthy coping mechanism

You promised you would deliver me.
You made a vow to protect and support me, to help guide me through life's hardships

You promised you'd keep me safe and sound.
You assured me of a sense of security and well-being, which I now realize was merely an illusion

Father, the day you die I hope you die in a living room.
Father, when you pass away, I hope it is in a common, everyday setting, devoid of any grandeur or significance

I hope the irony does not let you laugh.
I hope that you do not find amusement in the irony of the situation, that you were unable to provide me with a home or a sense of belonging, despite your aspirations and promises

I hope the life that flashes before your eyes is mine and it doesn't flash fast.
I hope that in your final moments, your memories are filled with the times that we shared together, and that they pass by slowly and vividly

If you had stayed nearby, would you have taught me to vanish?
If you had been more present in my life, would I have learned to hide my emotions and retreat from the world, like you did?

If so, then it's all for the best.
If that is the case, then it is better that you were not around to pass on those negative qualities to me

They say "like father, like son."
As previously mentioned, there is a popular expression that suggests a child's character and behavior are heavily influenced by their father's

Is that the reason that every time a person loves me I find it hard to love them back?
Could it be that my difficulty in reciprocating love is due to my subconscious fear of becoming like my father, who was unable to reciprocate love and affection to me?