Snippets
Amateur Transplants Lyrics

I can't tie my laces
I am unable to tie the laces of my shoes

I don't play the flute
I am not skilled at playing the flute

My car is an automatic
I own a car that has an automatic transmission

I can't paint my nails
I lack the ability to paint my nails

I never applaud
I do not clap my hands in appreciation or approval

I'm not very good at Twister
I am not proficient at playing the game of Twister

And when my laptop crashes
In situations where my laptop malfunctions

I can't even press control-alt-delete
I am incapable of pressing the three keyboard keys combination to initiate a restart or shutdown

Cos I've got one hand
Since I only have one hand

Hello can I speak to an emergency physician?
May I please speak with a doctor who is available to handle urgent medical cases?

I have here a patient in a terrible condition
I have a patient who is experiencing severe physical symptoms

He's vomiting up blood and he'll soon need a mortician
He is experiencing hematemesis and is likely to die soon

Look at your skin, look at its off-white hue
Observe the color of your skin, which is a pale shade of white

Look at your eyeballs too
Also, note the coloration of your eyes

They've gone all yellow
Your eyes have turned yellow

You came to me, you thought you had the flu
You sought me out thinking you were infected with influenza

I knew that wasn't true
I was aware that your self-diagnosis was incorrect

You wouldn't be yellow
Yellow discoloration is not a known symptom of the flu

We took some blood off you
We collected a blood sample from you for analysis

That's just a thing we do
Blood tests are a standard part of our diagnostic process

To folks who turn yellow
It is done for individuals who experience yellowing of the skin or eyes

You're yellow like the desert in damascus is
You have the same yellow coloration as the desert in Damascus, Syria

You're yellow cos your liver has metastases
The yellow coloration is due to metastasis in your liver

Do you know you're really fuccked you know
Do you realize the severity of your condition?

You're really fucked you know
You are in a dire medical state and your prognosis is poor

I would jog and I'd start rowing
If I had my limbs, I would engage in jogging and rowing activities

Every day you'd see me going to the park and to the gym
I would make daily trips to the park and gym

I'd go drinking in the pub and every evening I'd go clubbing
Also, I would visit the pub to drink and go clubbing every night

If I only had some limbs
If I had appendages like everyone else

I would learn to play the trumpet
I would learn how to play the trumpet instrument

Cos just sitting on my stump it tends to make my life quite grim
My dissatisfaction results from being confined to sitting, which causes difficulty and sadness

I'm content but I'd be more so if I wasn't just a torso
I am at peace with my body's limitations, but it would be even better to have real legs and arms

Oh I just sit and cry, a quadruple amputee
I spend hours on end crying, I am incapable of moving my limbs

I just hang around all day and watch TV
TV is my primary leisure activity as I spend most of my day just sitting around

But that's the life of quadruple amputees
This is a typical lifestyle of individuals with four missing limbs

I'd play cards and I'd play scrabble
I'd be able to engage in games like cards and scrabble if I had limbs

Not just spend my days imagining a life where I had shins
I would not have to spend my days imagining what it would be like to have legs

Cos I've never had a date, hell I can't even masturbate
I have never been romantically involved and being an amputee has made it impossible for me to pleasure myself sexually

Oh if I only had some limbs
If I had limbs like other people do

How can you just walk away from here?
Why are you leaving us without offering any assistance?

How rude can a doctor be?
This doctor's behavior is exceptionally discourteous

You're the orthopaedic registrar and we've been here since three
You are the authorized registrar for bone injuries and we have been waiting since three o'clock

You're the only one that we've been waiting for
We have not been attended to by any other medical personnel except you

So take a look at my nan
Please inspect my grandmother's physical condition

I think she's got a broken hip
I suspect that she has a hip fracture

We found her in the bathroom on the floor
She was discovered lying on the bathroom floor by us

You know I think she must have slipped
It appears she fell while in the bathroom

The casualty doctor stated
Another doctor from the emergency department mentioned

One leg is shorter than the other
One of her legs is noticeable shorter than the other

And it's externally rotated
It is also turned outward

Well take a look at my nan
Please inspect my grandmother's physical condition

Don't you know how long we've waited?
We have waited for a considerable amount of time, do you not realize?

And if you can't fix her, then DNR
If you cannot treat her, then please issue a 'do not resuscitate' order

And can we have her cremated?
Can we also have her remains cremated after she passes away?

I'm pushing 83 and the trust are telling me to retire
I am nearly 83 years old and the hospital administration is urging me to retire

I never take a history or consent
I do not inquire about my patients' medical history nor do I obtain their consent for procedures

My post-op survival rate should be higher
Considering my level of skill, patients who undergo surgery under my care should be surviving at a better rate

In fact it's only 6 per cent
In reality, only 6% of my patients survive post-surgery

We work at Denmark Hill for the terminally ill patients
Our workplace is at Denmark Hill and we care for patients whose illnesses are incurable

But they're relatively well when they arrive
When they come to us for care, their conditions are usually not as serious

'Cause I invent my own operations
This is because I develop my own surgical procedures

And I'm the only one who leaves theatre alive
I am the only one who successfully manages to exit the operating room alive after performing intricate surgical procedures

We're consultants, we're consultants at King's
We are high-ranking medical professionals, serving as consultants at King's College Hospital

Do you feel any better?
Have you experienced any improvement in your condition?

Or do you feel the same?
Are you still experiencing the same symptoms?

We've done your operation now
We have completed your surgery

And you've just yourself to blame
The negative outcome of the surgery is primarily your responsibility

Now you've got 1 lung, 1 eye
Following surgery, you now have one lung and one eye

1 knee below your 1 thigh
One of your knees is positioned beneath one of your thighs

We've removed your left hand side
We have removed the left side of your body

And you're all right now
This statement is a play on words. You are not 'all right' medically, but you still have your right side remaining intact

I get in the way
I hinder or impede progress or other people's actions

I don't know what to do or say
I am clueless regarding the proper actions or words of response

But I go in night and day
Despite my lack of knowledge, I am constantly present and available

Vainly hoping someone will teach me
In the hopes of being educated, although it appears to be futile

They say not today
Others respond by saying, not at this moment

Practice taking blood, okay
Practice drawing blood from patients, are you comfortable with this?

Me on take (Me on take)
I am now responsible for blood draws (I will conduct blood draws)

Take me home
Kindly transport me back to my place of dwelling