Sheets
Aziz Ansari Lyrics

I was getting some sheets down at Bed, Bath and Beyond…MAN they got so many sheets!
Expressing amazement at the variety of sheets available at Bed, Bath and Beyond.

I was looking around and I saw this guy and he didn’t know what to buy and he and looked all confused and he looks over at me and said, “Man, this is why I need a girlfriend.”
Narrating an encounter with a man who is unable to pick out sheets and states that he needs a girlfriend to do so.

And I was like, really, this is why you need a girlfriend?
Expressing disbelief at the idea that one needs a significant other to purchase sheets.

So if you had a girlfriend, you wouldn’t even BE HERE! You’d be back at your house sitting on a lazy boy drinking a beer going, “Bitch, go get me some sheets”!
Pointing out the irony that if the man had a girlfriend, he would not be at the store and would instead be ordering her around to fetch sheets.

Ya, I’m in a relationship now. I don’t have to buy my own domestic goods, pick up one of those pots that we can put sticks in and make the whole room smell like vanilla bean. I’ve been fartin all day, it smells like SHIT in here!
Jokingly stating that being in a relationship means not having to purchase household items and instead being able to fart without worry.

Now, all I know about sheets is, the higher the thread count the better the sheet, right?
Posing a question about whether higher thread counts equate to better sheets.

This lady’s like right, ya, I got 700 back at my house it’s like sleepin in lotion.
Quoting a woman who claims to have high thread count sheets that feel extremely luxurious.

So I’m lookin around tryin to find some nice sheets, I see this brand called “Hotel Luxury Linens”, 600 thread count and it sounds fancy too, right?
Noticing a brand of sheets called “Hotel Luxury Linens” and being enticed by the label and thread count.

You gotta girl back at your place. She’s all “Oh my God. Did we just teleport to a 5 Star hotel”?
Imagining a scenario where a significant other is amazed by the quality of the sheets and compares them to a luxurious hotel.

Nah baby these are just “Hotel Luxury Linens”. By the way the technology for teleportation doesn’t exist yet. You must be kinda stupid!
Responding to the imaginary scenario and playfully teasing a significant other for believing in nonexistent technology.

So I grab the sheets and I get em home and I’m psyched to put em on my bed, right?
Feeling excited to put the new sheets on the bed.

And I feel em and they feel a little rough to the touch. I get a little suspicious. I do a little googling. I find an investigative report in Southern Living Magazine where they investigated thread count claims.
Noticing that the sheets feel rough and becoming skeptical, leading to research about thread count claims in Southern Living Magazine.

An issue that definitely needed delving into.
Asserting the importance of investigating thread count claims.

And they had a little chart and they said brand. Advertised threat count-actual thread count.
Explaining the format of the investigative report in Southern Living Magazine.

So its like Brand “Warm Suitor” advertised 500, actual 497. Brand, “Soft Sheets” advertised 600, actual 600. Brand, “Hotel Luxury Linens” advertised 600, actual 296!!! Are you shittin me man! I almost slept on that SHIT!!!
Reading aloud the findings of the investigative report where “Hotel Luxury Linens” are advertised as having 600 thread count but actually have 296, expressing disbelief and disgust at almost sleeping on low-quality sheets.

296 is sand paper as far as I’m concerned.
Comparing the quality of 296 thread count sheets to rough sandpaper.

If that was a drug deal, I woulda shot “Hotel Luxury Linens” in the face!
Metaphorically stating that if the sheets were a drug deal, the brand would be shot for dishonest advertising.

Where’s the rest of my threads? (gun shot) You didn’t think I was gonna count that shit muthafucker!?!
Humorously concluding that not all thread counts are honest and that he should have counted the threads himself before buying.