TONYA
BROCKHAMPTON Lyrics

Mother, I am sorry, I never pick up
I apologize, mother, for not answering your calls

Because I'm afraid to disappoint
I fear that I will let you down

And I've been feelin' like I don't matter how I used to
I've been feeling like I've lost my sense of importance

We were sat outside on the hardwood floor
We sat outdoors, on the ground made of wood

With our feet in dirt, and our hearts in awe
Our feet were touching the soil, while our hearts were filled with wonder

I be losin' sleep thinkin' 'bout missed calls
I can't sleep because I'm troubled by the calls I didn't answer

And I see the names circling our thoughts
The names of people we care about occupy our minds

And I think about if we lose it all
I contemplate the possibility of losing everything

And I turn to shit that you'd never want
And I resort to things that you would disapprove of

Like the smoke, the drink, anything at all
Such as smoking, drinking, or any other unhealthy habits

And I'll say again, sorry, I don't call
Once again, I apologize for not reaching out

There's no money on my mind, but my money or my mind
I don't prioritize money, but it still occupies my thoughts

What's the first to fall?
Which one will be the first to crumble?

I never wanted this shit, yeah
I never desired this situation, yes

Sometimes it be so spot on it hurts
Sometimes things are so accurate that they cause pain

Like when Auntie couldn't decide
For example, when Auntie was unable to make a decision

Between going to work or church
Choosing between going to work or attending church

I've been in my feelings on an island in the dirt
I've been trapped in my emotions, isolated and struggling

I feel like brothers lie just so my feelings don't get hurt
I believe my friends deceive me to protect my emotions

I said, I'll try vacation, I'll try to run away
I expressed my intention to escape on a vacation

I deleted Facebook, I'll trade fame any day
I deleted my Facebook account, expressing a desire to give up fame

For a quiet Texas place and a barbecue plate
In exchange, I yearn for a calm home in Texas and tasty barbecue

I'll switch my place if that's good for you, is that good for you?
I'm willing to change my location if it benefits you, does that suffice?

My ghost still haunt you, my life is I, Tonya
My presence continues to linger in your mind, reminiscent of the film 'I, Tonya'

Big eyed monster, only face to conquer
I feel like a monster with prominent eyes, striving to overcome challenges

I hated songs about fame 'cause that stuff meant nothin'
I used to despise songs glorifying fame, as it held no value for me

Until them headlines came, then first flight I'm stuck in
But when the headlines appeared, I found myself trapped in the whirlwind

And maybe it means nothing
Perhaps it holds no significance

But I have to say I think about you often
However, I must admit that I frequently think about you

And if you want no part with me
And if you want nothing to do with me

I'll walk away, I know that I have wronged you
I'll leave, acknowledging that I have hurt you

I took a plane to somewhere that I've never been
I boarded a plane bound for an unfamiliar destination

Too many times without my sister and my brother
Too many occasions without the presence of my siblings

Dad or mother by my side but they're in spirit
My deceased father and mother aren't physically present, but their spirits linger

I always hear it, I know they feel it
I constantly sense their presence and know they can feel it too

My mom will always have these dreams that used to keep her up at night
My mom continues to have dreams that used to cause her sleepless nights

I smoke to keep them all away and make use of the time
I smoke to distance myself from those dreams and make the most of my time

I'm void of feelin'
I lack emotions

The reasons I'm so out of touch, now start revealin'
The causes of my emotional detachment are now becoming apparent

But I'm not ashamed, I'm not afraid of who I am
Nevertheless, I refuse to be ashamed or fearful of my true self

Or how I trust my mental, yeah, it's not perfect
Nor am I concerned about the imperfections in my mental state, yes

But I guess that's just the shit I'm into
But I suppose that's just the kind of stuff I'm interested in

I fantasize about a time when everything was simple
I daydream about a period when everything was uncomplicated

My shelter sheltered me from things I needed to commit to
My place of refuge shielded me from responsibilities I should have embraced

The way it stands to me
From my perspective

A victim of Stockholm in my friendships and family
I feel like a hostage in my relationships with friends and family

What's costin' you time? What's the reason that you whine?
What is consuming your time? Why do you complain?

What's in your wallet? Dead whites in mine
What do you possess in your wallet? Mine contains nothing but useless cards

So sour, in this light of lime
Unpleasant, in this bright lime-colored light

Daddy said 'study or get that cash'
My father advised me to either focus on education or chase money

Mommy said 'your career ain't gon' last'
My mother predicted that my career wouldn't endure

Loose change, call a cab, move out their pad
With a little money, I'll call a taxi and leave their place

I just need a chance to move past my past
I simply require an opportunity to overcome my past

Don't think too fast, private jets still crash
Don't rush into decisions, even private jets can still crash

And I still fly coach, and I still hit a roach
I still travel in economy class, and I still encounter a cockroach

And I still see roaches at the crib where my folks at
I still spot cockroaches at my parents' home

Touch your dreams 'fore you touch me and provoke a man
Pursue your dreams before attempting to provoke me and stir up trouble

(Somebody gonna have to tell the truth and I'm gonna tell it)
(Someone needs to speak the truth, and I'm willing to do it)

I will
I will indeed

And I've been feelin' like I don't matter how
And I've been feeling like I've lost my sense of importance

Can I tell you how?
May I explain it to you?

Can I tell you now?
Can I tell you at this moment?