The song "Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In the West)" is a bit autobiographical. Benny Hill had been a milkman in Eastleigh, Hampshire, working for Hanns Dairy whose premises was yards way from Market Street. There was a bakery near the dairy that did indeed have a delivery van. Having been born and raised (and eventually buried) in Southampton, Benny Hill did live in Teddington.
Ernie-The Fastest Milkman in the West
Benny Hill Lyrics
Jump to: Overall Meaning ↴ Line by Line Meaning ↴
As they raced across the ground
And the clatter of the wheels
As they spun round and round
And he galloped into Market Street
His badge upon his chest
His name was Ernie
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west
Now Ernie loved a widow
A lady known as Sue
She lived all alone in Linley Lane
At number twenty two
They said she was too good for him
She was haughty, proud and chic
But Ernie got his cocoa there
Three times every week
They called him Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west
She said she'd like to bathe in milk
He said alright sweetheart
And when he finished work one night
He loaded up the cart
He said you wanted pasturised
'Cause pasturised is best
She says Ernie I'll be happy
If it comes up to me chest
And that tickled old Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west
Now Ernie had a rival
An evil looking man
Called Two Ton Ted from Teddington
And he drove the bakers van
He tempted her with his treacle tarts
And his tasty wholemeal bread
And when she saw the size
Of his hot meat pies
It very near turned her head
She nearly swooned at his macaroon
And he said now if you treat me right
You'll have hot rolls evry morning
And crumpets every night
He knew once she'd sampled his layer cake
He'd have his wicked way
And all Ernie had to offer
Was a pint of milk a day
Poor Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west
One lunchtime Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door
It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four
And as he leaped down from of his van
Hot blood through his veins did course
And he went across to Ernie's cart
And he didnarf kick his horse
Who's name was Trigger (Trigger)
And he pulled the fastest milkcart in the west
Now Ernie rushed out into the street
His goldtop in his hand
He said if you want to marry susie
You'll fight for her like a man
Oh why don't we play cards for her
He sneeringly replied
And just to make it interesting
We'll have a shilling on the side
Now Ernie dragged him from his van
And beneath the blazing sun
They stood there face to face
And Ted went for his bun
But Ernie was to quick
Things didn't go the way ted planned
And a strawberry flavoured youghurt
Sent it spinning from his hand
Now Sue she ran between them
And tried to keep them apart
And Ernie pushed her aside
And a rock cake caught him underneath his heart
And he looked up in pained surprise
As the concrete hardened crust
Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye
And Ernie bit the dust
Poor Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west
Ernie was only fifty-two, he didn't want to die
Now he's gone to make deliveries
In that milkround in the sky
Where the customers are angels
And ferocious dogs are banned
And a milkmans life is full of fun
In that fairy dairy land
But a woman's needs are many fold
And Sue she married Ted
But strange things happened on their wedding night
As they lay in their bed
Was that the trees a rustling
Or the hinges of the gate
Or Ernies ghostly goldtop a rattling in their crate
They won't forget Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west
The song starts with the introduction of Ernie, a milkman who drives the fastest milkcart in the west. As he races around the streets, the sound of the horse's hooves and the wheels spinning can be heard. Ernie is in love with a widow named Sue, who is described as haughty, proud, and chic. Ernie gets his cocoa from her three times a week, but to others, she was too good for him. He decides to humor her one day when she requests to bathe in milk, and he loads his cart with enough pasteurized milk to fill the tub up to her chest. Ernie is content with fulfilling Sue's desires with his pint of milk daily, but there is one problem – Two-Ton Ted from Teddington is competing for Sue's affections.
Two-Ton Ted, who is described as an evil-looking man, drives the baker's van and woos Sue with his treacle tarts, wholemeal bread, hot meat pies, macaroons, layer cakes, crumpets, and hot rolls. But Ernie has something that Ted doesn't – the fastest milkcart in the west. When Ted discovers Ernie's horse and cart outside Sue's house one day, he loses his cool and kicks Ernie's horse. The two men get into a brawl, and Sue tries to separate them. However, she's inadvertently responsible for hitting Ernie in the heart with a rock cake. While lying on the ground, he's hit by a stale pork pie in the eye, resulting in his untimely death. While Sue marries Ted, she cannot forget Ernie, and strange things happen on their wedding night when they hear the ghostly rattling of Ernie's milk bottles.
Line by Line Meaning
You could hear the hoof beats pound
The sound of Ernie's horse galloping could be heard from far away
As they raced across the ground
Ernie's horse was moving at a very fast pace
And the clatter of the wheels
The sound of the wheels of the milkcart spinning was loud
As they spun round and round
The wheels of the milkcart were constantly rotating
And he galloped into Market Street
Ernie's horse entered Market Street while galloping
His badge upon his chest
Ernie wore a badge on his chest which denoted that he was a milkman
His name was Ernie
Ernie was the name of the milkman
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west
Ernie's milkcart was the fastest one compared to all other milkcarts in the west
Now Ernie loved a widow
Ernie had an affection for a widow named Sue
A lady known as Sue
The widow's name was Sue
She lived all alone in Linley Lane
Sue resided alone in a street called Linley Lane
At number twenty two
Sue lived in a house numbered 22
They said she was too good for him
People thought that Sue was not a suitable match for Ernie
She was haughty, proud and chic
Sue was characterized as arrogant and fashionable
But Ernie got his cocoa there
Ernie bought cocoa from Sue's house
Three times every week
Ernie bought cocoa from Sue's house on three occasions every week
They called him Ernie (Ernie)
People addressed Ernie by his name
She said she'd like to bathe in milk
Sue expressed her desire to take a milk bath
He said alright sweetheart
Ernie agreed to Sue's request
And when he finished work one night
After completing his work for the day, one night
He loaded up the cart
Ernie filled his milkcart
He said you wanted pasturised
Ernie confirmed with Sue if she wanted pasteurized milk
'Cause pasturised is best
Ernie explained that pasteurized milk is the best
She says Ernie I'll be happy
Sue conveyed her happiness to Ernie
If it comes up to me chest
Sue specified the level to which she wanted the milk to be filled
And that tickled old Ernie (Ernie)
Ernie found it humorous
Now Ernie had a rival
Ernie had a competitor
An evil looking man
Ernie's competition was a man who looked mean
Called Two Ton Ted from Teddington
Ernie's competitor was named Two Ton Ted belonging to Teddington
And he drove the bakers van
Two Ton Ted drove his bakery van
He tempted her with his treacle tarts
Two Ton Ted tried to impress Sue with his treacle tarts
And his tasty wholemeal bread
Two Ton Ted also tried to win Sue over by offering his tasty wholemeal bread
And when she saw the size
Sue was amazed when she saw the size of
Of his hot meat pies
Two Ton Ted's hot meat pies
It very near turned her head
Sue was almost swayed by Two Ton Ted
She nearly swooned at his macaroon
Sue almost fainted from having Two Ton Ted's macaroon
And he said now if you treat me right
Two Ton Ted told Sue that if she treated him well
You'll have hot rolls evry morning
Two Ton Ted promised to provide Sue with hot rolls every morning
And crumpets every night
He also promised her crumpets every night
He knew once she'd sampled his layer cake
Two Ton Ted was confident that after Sue tasted his layer cake
He'd have his wicked way
Sue would then fall in love with him
And all Ernie had to offer
In contrast, all Ernie could provide her with was
Was a pint of milk a day
A pint of milk everyday, which was the sole service provided by Ernie
Poor Ernie (Ernie)
Ernie is pitied
One lunchtime Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door
During lunch, Two Ton Ted noticed Ernie's horse and cart parked outside Sue's house
It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four
Ted was infuriated when he realized that the cart was still parked there at 4:30
And as he leaped down from of his van
Ted jumped out of his van
Hot blood through his veins did course
He was enraged
And he went across to Ernie's cart
Ted walked across to Ernie's milkcart
And he didnarf kick his horse
Ted kicked Ernie's horse
Who's name was Trigger (Trigger)
The name of Ernie's horse was Trigger
And he pulled the fastest milkcart in the west
Trigger was responsible for pulling the fastest milkcart in the west
Now Ernie rushed out into the street
Ernie came out of Sue's house and rushed to the street
His goldtop in his hand
Ernie had a goldtop bottle in his hand
He said if you want to marry susie
Ernie challenged Two Ton Ted by saying that if he wanted to marry Sue
You'll fight for her like a man
Ted should fight a fair duel like a man
Oh why don't we play cards for her
Alternatively, Ted suggested playing cards for Sue
He sneeringly replied
Ted responded with a sneer
And just to make it interesting
He added a twist to the proposal
We'll have a shilling on the side
By betting a shilling, the game would become more interesting
Now Ernie dragged him from his van
Ernie pulled Ted out of his van
And beneath the blazing sun
The fight occurred under the hot sun
They stood there face to face
Both men confronted each other
And Ted went for his bun
Ted tried to hit Ernie
But Ernie was to quick
However, Ernie was too fast
Things didn't go the way ted planned
Ted's plans failed
And a strawberry flavoured youghurt
A strawberry flavored yogurt
Sent it spinning from his hand
Ted lost hold of his yogurt due to impact
Now Sue she ran between them
Sue intervened between both men
And tried to keep them apart
She attempted to avoid any fight between them
And Ernie pushed her aside
Ernie didn't listen to her and pushed her away
And a rock cake caught him underneath his heart
A cake made of rock fell on Ernie's chest causing physical pain
And he looked up in pained surprise
Ernie was surprised but in physical pain
As the concrete hardened crust
As a hard layer of concrete-like crust
Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye
A pork pie made of outdated and bad quality crust hit him in his eye
And Ernie bit the dust
Ernie fell to the ground and died
Ernie was only fifty-two, he didn't want to die
Ernie died at age fifty-two, when he didn't want to die
Now he's gone to make deliveries
Ernie has died and has gone to deliver to customers in heaven
In that milkround in the sky
In a milkround that exists in heaven
Where the customers are angels
Ernie's customers in heaven are angels
And ferocious dogs are banned
No harmful dogs are present in heaven
And a milkmans life is full of fun
Being a milkman in heaven is fun
In that fairy dairy land
A fantastic and mystical dairy land in heaven
But a woman's needs are many fold
Women have plenty of needs
And Sue she married Ted
Sue married Two Ton Ted
But strange things happened on their wedding night
Some peculiar things happened on Sue and Ted's wedding night
As they lay in their bed
While they were in bed
Was that the trees a rustling
Sue heard a rustling sound
Or the hinges of the gate
Sue wasn't sure if it was a sound coming from gate's hinges
Or Ernies ghostly goldtop a rattling in their crate
Or if it was a ghost of Ernie trying to communicate through one of his goldtop bottles
They won't forget Ernie (Ernie)
Ernie's death is still remembered
Lyrics © O/B/O APRA AMCOS
Lyrics Licensed & Provided by LyricFind
@167johhny
The world was a better place with Benny Hill in it.
@stephenfoster5608
Christmas no 1 in 1971. 52 years ago. Classic.
@stephenhowell5611
And competing with the likes of T Rex and Slade
@RepentingMan
@@stephenhowell5611 Competing with Rod Stewart, McCartney, and many, many more...
@martinthorogood6223
Oh thanks for that ! ..I'm soo frkin old 😂😂
@eclecticx
Benny Hill was a quiet, private man with a beautiful soul and incredible sense of humor. Like Rodney Dangerfield, he gave the world far more joy than it gave him. Thank you, Benny. May you be resting and laughing in peace.
@andrewlorenz3139
I went to a funeral recently and this was played during the reflection. Really summed up a life well lived. RIP Dave and Benny.
@John_Pace
In the days of innocent innuendo. Sadly not applicable today. Benny Hill was basically a child that never grew up, nothing evil.
@garryharriman7349
He was much more than that$
@tommyroberts4577
It's 2023 and we havent forgotten ernie