D.I.V.O.R.C.E.
Billy Connolly Lyrics


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Some weeks ago I heard this song
This song I'm about to do and I couldn't keep my hands off it

Our little dog is six years old
And he's smart as any damned kid
But when you mention the V.E.T.
He damned near flips his lid
Words like S.H.O.T shot
Or W.O.R.M worm
These are words that make him S.Q.U.I.R.M squirm

His Q.U.A.R.A.N.T.I.N.E. starts today
Coz he bit the V.E.T.
And then he ran away
He caused me and my wife
To have a big fight
And then both of them bit me
And that's why I am
Gonna get a D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

She shouted get him Rover
And he jumped over
And bit my L.E.G.
She sank her teeth in my B.U.M.
And called me a *?**?
Well I'm telling you
That was my cue
To get O.F.F.ski
And I'm going down to the town tonight
To get a new B.I.R.D.

Oh yes His Q.U.A.R.A.N.T.I.N.E. starts today
Both my wife and my wee scabby dog
Will soon be hauled away
That's why I spell out all of these words
So as my dog can't hear




Oh I must admit that dog is actin' Q.U.E.E.R. queer
Oh yes I must admit my dog is actin' Q.U.E.E.R. queer

Overall Meaning

The song "D.I.V.O.R.C.E." by Billy Connolly is a humorous take on the experiences of getting a divorce. The song begins with the singer mentioning that he heard the song weeks ago and he couldn't keep his hands off it. The next lines of the song talk about the singer's dog who is six years old and very smart, but when words like shot or worm are mentioned, the dog becomes uneasy. The reason for this is revealed later in the song when the dog bites the vet, causing the start of his quarantine, and causing further disagreement between the singer and his wife, eventually leading towards the divorce.


The whole song is full of clever wordplay and humorous anecdotes. The singer talks about how his dog's quarantine starts on the day he bites the vet, and his wife and dog will soon be hauled away. In the end, he decides to get a "new bird" and hence, the title of the song, "D.I.V.O.R.C.E." becomes evident. The song also mentions the singer being bitten by both his wife and his dog, which adds to the humor.


Overall, "D.I.V.O.R.C.E." is a humorous song about a tough situation. The clever use of wordplay and anecdotes makes the song enjoyable to listen to, despite the somber topic.


Line by Line Meaning

Our little dog is six years old
Our beloved pet is not just a dog, but a member of our family, six years old and as smart as an average child


And he's smart as any damned kid
Our dog is intelligent enough to understand certain words, but also has a strong negative reaction to some, particularly related to VET visits


But when you mention the V.E.T.
We've noticed that our dog's behaviour changes when we use certain words that he associates with negative experiences, particularly the veterinary clinic


He damned near flips his lid
Our dog has a strong emotional response, showing signs of anxiety or even aggression, when he hears certain words related to the VET


Words like S.H.O.T shot
Talking about injections or vaccinations causes our dog great distress and anxiety


Or W.O.R.M worm
Even discussing parasites or other medical treatments that involve pills or liquids can cause our dog to react negatively


These are words that make him S.Q.U.I.R.M squirm
Using certain words can cause our dog to physically react, either cowering or attempting to escape


His Q.U.A.R.A.N.T.I.N.E. starts today
Our dog has bitten a vet, leading to him being placed under quarantine for the safety of others, including our family


Coz he bit the V.E.T.
Our dog has bitten a veterinarian during a visit, requiring him to be placed under quarantine


And then he ran away
After biting the vet, our dog escaped from the clinic, causing further complications and stress for our family


He caused me and my wife
Our dog's behaviour has had a significant impact on our family dynamic, causing tensions and disagreements between myself and my partner


To have a big fight
Our issues related to our dog's behaviour have escalated, leading to arguments between myself and my partner


And then both of them bit me
Not only has our dog bitten a vet, but my partner has also bitten me, showing the significant impact our dog's behaviour has had on our entire family


And that's why I am
Due to the significant stress and difficulties caused by our dog's behaviour, I have decided to take action


Gonna get a D.I.V.O.R.C.E.
I have decided to end my marriage and get a divorce, as a result of the challenges created by our dog's behaviour


She shouted get him Rover
During the incident with the vet, my partner instructed our dog, by name, to attack or otherwise injure the professional who was trying to help our pet


And he jumped over
Our dog responded, by physically assaulting the vet, causing serious harm to the individual and resulting in legal consequences for our family


And bit my L.E.G.
The incident with the vet resulted in physical harm to myself, as our dog also bit me during the chaotic and dangerous altercation


She sank her teeth in my B.U.M.
As a result of the stress and dysfunction created by our dog's behaviour, my partner also became verbally and physically abusive towards me, causing further harm and trauma


And called me a *?**?
My partner used offensive, derogatory language towards me, demonstrating the toxic and harmful environment our dog's behaviour has helped to create


Well I'm telling you
I am sharing my story in order to express the toll that our dog's behaviour has taken on my life and the lives of my loved ones


That was my cue
The incident involving our dog, the vet, and myself was the final straw, prompting me to take action


To get O.F.F.ski
I am leaving my current situation, relationship, and location, in order to start a new life, separate from the challenges created by our dog's behaviour


And I'm going down to the town tonight
I am taking action to create a brighter future for myself, starting with a night out in the town and an opportunity to begin a fresh start


To get a new B.I.R.D.
I am making a decision to focus on new opportunities, including the possibility of finding a new partner, starting a new relationship, and creating a better life for myself


Oh yes His Q.U.A.R.A.N.T.I.N.E. starts today
Our dog has been placed under strict quarantine measures, including isolation from our family and a requirement for ongoing medical monitoring


Both my wife and my wee scabby dog
Both my partner and our dog are currently facing significant challenges, as a result of our dog's behaviour


Will soon be hauled away
The situation has become so serious that both our dog and my partner may be taken away from our home, for the safety of our family and others in the community


That's why I spell out all of these words
I have started using creative spelling and word substitutions, in order to avoid triggering our dog's negative associations and reactions


So as my dog can't hear
This strategy has been helpful, as it prevents our dog from becoming further agitated or distressed by hearing certain words or phrases


Oh I must admit that dog is actin' Q.U.E.E.R. queer
Despite our love for our dog, we have come to realize that his behaviour is unpredictable and sometimes inexplicable, making it difficult to understand or resolve his negative reactions and outbursts




Contributed by Ian N. Suggest a correction in the comments below.
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Comments from YouTube:

@geozeo710

Billy is the undisputed king of stand up.... Can hold a tune as well :)

@robmcguire7534

seems to be a trend with old style comedian's, Roy and Bernard are/were vocally blessed.

@jordanpuri4129

The Godfather of standup. Legend of a man.

@lediabolique5822

Ah, such great memories of my childhood. I wasn't always allowed to see Billy Connoly - because of the swearing - but this song was deemed 'acceptable' by my Mum!

@24934637

Pure genius. It'll be a sad say when he isn't around anymore.

@mikryan5846

What, you are upset that he will die eventually, you are the guy kneeling down to read the tiny writing on his grave stone

@FabulousIcedDonut

>Monty Python< 'I'm not dead yet'

@derekfinlay1739

Comedy genius legend

@ozbondwizard8487

Jesus Christ! Is that the time already?

@MrClassicInTheMaking

Everybody: You can't make spelling funny.
Billy: Hold my beer.

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