Answering Machine
Bruce McCulloch Lyrics

I love my
The singer is about to talk about something they love

I love my
The singer is about to talk about something they love

I love my answering machine
The singer has great affection for their answering machine

I love my answering machine
The artist has great affection for their answering machine

It keeps the people I know away from me
The purpose of the answering machine is to help the artist avoid people they know

I don't watch TV
The singer does not watch television

Don't watch my weight
The singer does not monitor their weight

I watch my answering machine
The primary focus of the artist's attention is their answering machine

My best friend says
The artist is about to recount a conversation with their best friend

"It's me. Pick it up."
The artist's best friend is calling and wants them to answer the phone

I say "nope"
The singer declines to answer the phone

My girlfriend says
The artist is about to recount a conversation with their girlfriend

"It's me. Pick it up."
The singer's girlfriend is calling and wants them to answer the phone

I say "nope"
The singer declines to answer the phone

"Mr. Harris from the bank calling. Please pick up."
The singer is receiving a call from the bank and is being asked to answer the phone

Yeah, right
The artist does not believe that Mr. Harris is actually calling from the bank

I love my answering machine
The artist feels a great fondness for their answering machine

I love my answering machine
The singer feels a great fondness for their answering machine

It talks to my friends for me
The answering machine serves as a middleman between the singer and their friends

Do I want to go for dinner?
The artist is being invited to go out for dinner

Should we meet somewhere at eight?
The person inviting the artist to dinner is suggesting a meeting time of eight o'clock

Only if I can take my answering machine
The artist will only agree to go out for dinner if they are able to bring their answering machine with them

I love my answering machine
The singer has a deep affection for their answering machine

I love my answering machine
The artist has a deep affection for their answering machine

It keeps the people I know away from me
The answering machine is effective at helping the singer avoid contact with people they know

Sometimes I miss it
The singer sometimes feels nostalgic for their answering machine

In the middle of the afternoon
The singer is describing a time of day

I call it up
The artist is calling their own answering machine

To see how it's doing
The artist is curious about the well-being of their answering machine

How can I tell my gal
The singer is expressing uncertainty about how to discuss a particular topic with their girlfriend

Who I'm whispering to?
The singer is concerned that their girlfriend might suspect them of being unfaithful, based on what they are saying in a whisper

You know it's my answering machine
The artist eventually confesses that they were whispering to their answering machine, rather than anyone else

My answering machine says
The artist is describing the message that their answering machine plays

"Hi, this is Bruce. I'm not here right now, so please leave a message and I'll get back to you. Thank you. Bye-bye."
The message on the answering machine is a standard greeting, inviting the caller to leave a message

What my answering machine should say is
The singer is imagining a different message for their answering machine

"Hi, this is Bruce. I am here right now. And I'm listening to you, but I'm not gonna pick up. So, leave a message and I probably won't get back to you. Thank you. Bye-bye."
The artist is coming up with a more honest version of the answering machine message

I love my answering machine
The singer really loves their answering machine

I love my answering machine
The singer really loves their answering machine

It keeps you people away from me
The purpose of the answering machine, from the singer's perspective, is to keep people away

I collect calls
The artist frequently receives collect calls

Like spinsters collect porcelain dolls
The artist is making a comparison between their collect call habit and a stereotypical hobby of unmarried women

Sometimes I'll get fearless
The singer occasionally feels brave enough to return a collect call

And return one
The singer decides to call back a number that called them collect

But I'll only speak
The artist will only talk to the other person in a certain situation

If on the other end of the phone
The artist is specifying a condition that must be met for them to engage in conversation

Is another answering machine
The artist only wants to talk to an answering machine, not a live person

We love our answering machines
The singer is including other people in their affection for answering machines

We love our answering machines
The artist is including other people in their affection for answering machines

They keep the people we know away from me
The singer views answering machines as an effective tool for avoiding people they know

We love our answering machines
The singer reiterates their fondness for answering machines

We love our answering machines
The singer reiterates their fondness for answering machines

They're the very best thing that's ever been invented
The artist regards answering machines as the greatest invention of all time