Crywank started in 2009 with Jay Clayton attempting to do some folk-punk influenced acoustic music with no previous experience playing guitar. The first album "James is going to die soon" was inspired by a painful break up. Jay stated that "I wrote these songs out of frustration and sadness and they ended up making me feel a lot better, I hope they have a similar effect on you".
In 2012 Crywank released their second album 'Narcissist On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown'. Described as "a collection of paranoid songs mostly about me trying to understand my own sadness along with the concept of sadness as a whole. It was fueled by self help books and pot."
In late 2012 Dan Watson joined Crywank on percussion, and in early 2013 they released tour demos for their third album 'Tomorrow Is Nearly Yesterday And Everyday Is Stupid' which was released in October 2013.
In 2016 Jay and Dan began couch surfing to afford to be able to tour as much as possible. Over the next four years they performed over 500 shows in over 30 countries and released four albums.
Crywank announced their breakup following a world tour in 2019, alongside the album ‘fist me til your hand comes out my mouth’’ a huge departure in sound and the first release to include songwriting from Dan and explained the tense relationship between Jay and Dan that had developed over the years on the road.
Their breakup tour was cut short by the COVID-19 pandemic and the North American and European dates had to be rescheduled numerous times. During this time Jay was in a house fire, which led to the release of a solo Crywank album ‘Just Popping In To Say Hi’ that was written and recorded over three days.
Between 2022-2023 Crywank managed to continue their final tour and performed 100 shows in the USA and over 50 shows in the UK and Ireland, often with bass player Jules Noel (AKA Guard Petal). In 2024 it was announced that Crywank will no longer be breaking up and Jules would be joining the band.
The name Crywank comes from reclaiming a cruel nickname given to Jay during a period of depression. Jay has since said that if they knew how popular the band would have become they probably would’ve chosen a different name.
The Only Way I Could Save Myself Now Is If I Start Firebombing
Crywank Lyrics
Jump to: Overall Meaning ↴ Line by Line Meaning ↴
Blindly, unkindly, I deliberately hide so that you can find me
Unmentionable, the seeking of attention that we require
And I impede my own libido with a silent fear of fire
Hold me higher than your loved ones
Mask my bad intentions
I wish I was as pure as my lustlessness suggested
Surround myself with your artifacts
My mind wanders with a sense of urgency
I watch you fade away from me
I discreetly try to imbibe the origins of your resentment
Above me, you reside as I strive for mere acceptance
Escaping dignity, I ruined the pedestals I built
And bruised by your excuses, I characteristically wilt
Condemned by a guilt that I can't abandon, I lessen to the floor
I've derobed you more times with my eyes than you have with your paws
Go fall, I'll hold you back
Surround myself with your artifacts
My mind wanders with a sense of urgency
I watch you fade away from me
The song "The Only Way I Could Save Myself Now Is If I Start Firebombing" by Crywank is a reflection of the artist's struggle with crippling cynicism and fear of rejection. The line "This debilitating cynicism leaves me throwing fists" speaks to the frustration felt when one's own negative thoughts and emotions become overwhelming. The artist also addresses their own desire for attention and the ways in which they self-sabotage ("I impede my own libido with a silent fear of fire").
The chorus of the song, "Go fall, I'll hold you back / Surround myself with your artifacts / My mind wanders with a sense of urgency / I watch you fade away from me" reflects the feeling of desperately trying to cling to a relationship or connection, even as it slips away. The artist is both trying to hold onto the person and surround themselves with reminders of them, but also watching as that person fades from their life.
The second verse delves deeper into these themes, with lines like "Above me, you reside as I strive for mere acceptance / Escaping dignity, I ruined the pedestals I built". The artist is acknowledging a power imbalance in the relationship, with the other person holding more control or influence. They also recognize their own role in damaging the relationship and the expectations they had built up in their mind.
Overall, the song deals with themes of emotional turmoil, fear of rejection, and addiction to validation. The artist's raw and vulnerable lyrics give insight into the complexities of human relationships and the ways in which our own insecurities can shape them.
Line by Line Meaning
This debilitating cynicism leaves me throwing fists
Overwhelming pessimism causes violent behavior
Blindly, unkindly, I deliberately hide so that you can find me
I push people away but wish they would still come after me
Unmentionable, the seeking of attention that we require
We crave attention but are ashamed to admit it
And I impede my own libido with a silent fear of fire
A fear of intimacy and vulnerability hinders my sexual desire
Hold me higher than your loved ones
I crave validation and affection above all else
Mask my bad intentions
I try to hide my selfish motives
I wish I was as pure as my lustlessness suggested
I wish my lack of desire was due to purity, not fear
Go fall, I'll hold you back
I may push people away, but I won't let them leave me completely
Surround myself with your artifacts
I cling to reminders of those I care about to ease the loneliness
My mind wanders with a sense of urgency
Anxiety and restlessness consume my thoughts
I watch you fade away from me
I fear losing people and struggle to accept their departure
I discreetly try to imbibe the origins of your resentment
I try to understand why people resent me, but keep it to myself
Above me, you reside as I strive for mere acceptance
I view others as superior and seek approval from them
Escaping dignity, I ruined the pedestals I built
I act out to avoid being put on a pedestal or treated differently
And bruised by your excuses, I characteristically wilt
I am often let down and it causes me to shut down emotionally
Condemned by a guilt that I can't abandon, I lessen to the floor
I am plagued with guilt that I can't shake, and it brings me down
I've derobed you more times with my eyes than you have with your paws
I am attracted to others but am too scared to act on it, so I just stare
Contributed by Jasmine M. Suggest a correction in the comments below.