Although a vein of social and political humor runs though even his earliest work, Bern's work became more explicitly political during the 2004 US presidential election campaign, with songs such as "Bush Must Be Defeated" and "President" highlighting his sometimes surreal political takes.
Bern is reflexively literate, in the style of his favorite authors, including L.A.'s legendary bohemians Charles Bukowski and John Fante, urbane fantasist James Thurber, and yarn-spinning humorist Ring Lardner. He is in love with the power of words to turn on themselves, to frolic, to bite, and his strong, friendly voice can go from earnest to ferocious within seconds. Being captivated by Dan is the easy part; describing his music to the non-initiated is more difficult. One journalist tried: "topical-poetical-sarcastic-punk-folk." An admirable effort, further elaborated by the New York Times: "He veers from comedy to anger, conjectures to shaggy-dog stories; he takes sidelong approaches to theology, science fiction, consumer culture, art, love and baseball."
Tiger Woods
Dan Bern Lyrics
Jump to: Overall Meaning ↴ Line by Line Meaning ↴
Big as grapefruits, big as pumpkins
Yes sir, yes sir, and on my really good days
They swell to the size of small dogs
My balls are as big as small dogs
Well, it ain't braggin' if it's true
Yes sir, yes sir, it ain't braggin' if it's true
Back when he was a young man
Back when he was cassius clay
Before he fought too many fights
And left his brain inside the ring
And sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods
Sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods
I got a friend whose goal in life
Was to one day go down on Madonna
That's all he wanted, that was all
To one day go down on Madonna
And when my friend was thirty-four
He got his wish in Rome one night
He got to go down on Madonna
In Rome one night in some hotel
And ever since he's been depressed
'Cause life is shit from here on in
And all our friends just shake their heads
And say too soon, too soon, too soon
He went down on Madonna too soon
Too young, too young, too soon, too soon
And it ain't braggin' if it's true
Yes sir, yes sir, it ain't braggin' if it's true
Muhammad Ali said that
Back when he was cassius clay
Before he fought too many fights
And left his brain inside the ring
And sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods
Sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods
If certain girls don't look at you
It means that they like you a lot
If other girls don't look at you
It just means they're ignoring you
How can you know, how can you know
Which is which, who's doin' what
I guess that you can ask 'em
Which one are you, baby?
Do you like me or are you ignoring me?
Do you like me or are you ignoring me?
Do you like me or are you ignoring me?
And all you need to do that is one big pair of big balls
Balls as big as grapefruits, balls as big as pumpkins
Balls as big as mine but even though my balls are big
Sometimes I wish they were bigger, even bigger
Big as the wheels on a tractor
Big as the golden arches
Big as the golden gate bridge
Big as the state of Kansas
Big as Mars and Jupiter
Big as the swing of Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods
The song "Tiger Woods" by Dan Bern is a humorous commentary on the nature of fame and what people consider to be success in life. The song begins with the singer proclaiming his own greatness, as he boasts about his big balls, which he claims are as big as grapefruits or even pumpkins on really good days. The singer then acknowledges that it's not bragging if it's true, citing Muhammad Ali's quote about the topic. The song takes a turn when the singer expresses his admiration for Tiger Woods. He wishes he was him, presumably because of his wealth and success. In the second verse, the singer tells the story of his friend who fulfilled his lifelong dream of going down on Madonna. However, the experience left him depressed because he felt it was all "downhill" from there. The song ends with the singer pondering how to tell if someone likes him or is ignoring him, with the implication being that having "big balls" is the solution.
The song is filled with ridiculous and over-the-top imagery, such as comparing the size of the singer's balls to small dogs and the golden gate bridge. This, coupled with the use of Muhammad Ali's quote, helps to underscore the inherent absurdities of boasting and what constitutes success in our culture. The Tiger Woods reference also highlights the cultural obsession with celebrity and the idea that success can be measured by wealth and fame alone. Overall, the song seems to suggest that true success should be measured by something more meaningful than wealth, fame, or the size of one's balls.
Line by Line Meaning
I got big balls, big old balls
My testicles are large in size.
Big as grapefruits, big as pumpkins
My testicles are comparable in size to these objects.
Yes sir, yes sir, and on my really good days
Occasionally, my testicles can increase in size to be as big as small dogs.
They swell to the size of small dogs
My testicles can expand to be as large as small dogs.
Well, it ain't braggin' if it's true
If a statement is accurate, it cannot be considered boastful.
Muhammad Ali said that
This quote was once spoken by Muhammad Ali.
Back when he was a young man
Muhammad Ali said this when he was younger.
Back when he was cassius clay
This was said by Muhammad Ali when he was still known as Cassius Clay.
Before he fought too many fights
This quote was made before Ali's boxing career caused brain damage.
And left his brain inside the ring
Muhammad Ali boxing for a living gave him brain damage.
And sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods
Occasionally, I desire to be Tiger Woods.
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods
The name Tiger Woods is mentioned repeatedly in this song.
I got a friend whose goal in life
I have a friend who is dedicated to achieving one thing in life.
Was to one day go down on Madonna
My friend desires to perform oral sex on Madonna.
That's all he wanted, that was all
This is my friend's only desire in life.
To one day go down on Madonna
My friend's goal is to perform oral sex on Madonna.
And when my friend was thirty-four
At thirty-four years old, my friend fulfilled his goal.
He got his wish in Rome one night
My friend achieved his goal in a hotel in Rome one night.
In Rome one night in some hotel
My friend fulfilled his goal in a Rome hotel's privacy.
And ever since he's been depressed
My friend has been sorrowful since then.
'Cause life is shit from here on in
Life seems terrible to him after this point.
And all our friends just shake their heads
Our mutual friends are disappointed with his actions.
And say too soon, too soon, too soon
Our mutual friends believe that he fulfilled his goal too early in life.
He went down on Madonna too soon
Our mutual friend fulfilled his goal too early, according to our friend group.
Too young, too young, too soon, too soon
In our friend's eyes, our mutual friend fulfilled his goal too young and too early.
If certain girls don't look at you
If specific young women don't view you with interest,
It means that they like you a lot
They may have a significant romantic interest in you.
If other girls don't look at you
If other young women don't view you with interest,
It just means they're ignoring you
They may be disregarding you completely.
How can you know, how can you know
How can one know for sure,
Which is which, who's doin' what
Which of these two possibilities is happening, which ones are doing what?
I guess that you can ask 'em
I suppose you can ask these women,
Which one are you, baby?
How are you perceiving me? Am I someone you are interested in?
And all you need to do that is one big pair of big balls
One just needs a lot of intestinal fortitude to ask these questions.
Balls as big as grapefruits, balls as big as pumpkins
Referring back to the size of the singer's testicles.
Balls as big as mine but even though my balls are big
The singer's testicles, while already large,
Sometimes I wish they were bigger, even bigger
Sometimes, the singer wishes his testicles were even larger.
Big as the wheels on a tractor
The size he desires his testicles to be, which is larger than any previous comparisons.
Big as the golden arches
The size he desires his testicles to be is comparable to the logo of the McDonald's fast-food chain.
Big as the golden gate bridge
The size he desires his testicles to be is comparable to the Golden Gate Bridge.
Big as the state of Kansas
The size he desires his testicles to be is comparable to the entire state of Kansas.
Big as Mars and Jupiter
The size he desires his testicles to be are comparable to the planets Mars and Jupiter.
Big as the swing of Tiger Woods
The size he desires his testicles to be is comparable to the swing of the famous golfer Tiger Woods.
Lyrics © O/B/O APRA AMCOS
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