JUST AM
Deakin Lyrics

standing in the desert faces stare back from the dunes
Alone in a barren place, I face my fears and doubts that stare back at me like faces from the shifting sands.

brought here by courage or delusion i won't stop but i feel ripping mad
Not sure if my bravery or my illusions brought me here but I won't give up, even if I feel like I'm losing my mind.

so i am crying words that don't make sense to me or them
In frustration and pain, I scream out words that even I cannot understand, let alone anyone else.

but i am singing i am singing beams the child inside then disappears again
Despite my confusion, I sing with innocence and joy that briefly brings back the child in me before I return to the struggles of adulthood.

still i go on repeating words of loss and failure
I keep dwelling on the pain and regret of past losses and failures, unable to let go and move on.

of every choice that i gave up to guardian anger
I regret all my decisions that I let anger guide, becoming my guardian that led me astray.

i hope that you can feel life
I wish for you to experience and appreciate the beauty and vitality of life.

cause even watching descent i see light
Even in darkness, I find glimmers of hope and positivity to cling onto.

but i recall i called you hate
I remember when I let my anger and frustration consume me and directed that negativity towards someone else.

repeated words get locked and phased
The same negative thoughts and words keep cycling in my head, trapping me in a cycle of self-pity.

and these words attach some words like stone
These negative words weigh me down like heavy stones that I carry around and cannot escape from.

you find with time you build more than sow
With patience and time, you can create and cultivate more than just what was given to you.

you build a house you build what you know
You can build a home and a life with what you have and what you've learned so far.

i wonder if that's home
I contemplate if what I've built and what I know is enough to call it home.

tangled up at home unloved intentions all I see
When I'm at home, I'm overwhelmed with negative emotions and unfulfilled desires that persist even in the comfort of familiarity.

all those collected stacked and fretted over treasures leave me spinning so
The things I've accumulated and cherished now seem trivial and pointless, making me dizzy with confusion.

i'll leave the door wide open my old friend there's more unfound
I'll keep an open mind to new possibilities and let go of the past, hoping to discover more in life.

it's time for letting wounds and breaking through these pretty patterned knots I twist around
It's time to face and heal my emotional wounds and unravel the self-imposed limitations that hold me back.

dad I can't see I've lost my voice I need direction
I feel lost and directionless, unsure of my path and needing guidance and support from my father figure.

reweighed each choice so many times I've lost reflection
I've analyzed and second-guessed every decision I've made so much that I've lost my sense of self and introspection.

you've got to let go so you'll grow
Holding onto the past and negativity will only hinder your personal growth and development.

then even when you feel blind you'll still know
Even when you feel lost or uncertain, trust that you'll eventually find your way and achieve what you want.

so I asked again when I get home can I build space?
I wonder if I can create a safe and comfortable space for myself when I return home.

and clear these ripples of disorder and erosion I feel nipping mad
I want to rid myself of the chaos and negativity that's been eating away at me and driving me mad.

and when I find my way through all discolor in my mind
Once I overcome my internal struggles and doubts, I'll find clarity and peace of mind again.

swear I'll never leave imbalance or impatience standing guard or keeping time
I vow to never let imbalance or impatience dictate or control my actions and time again.

cause I hold on to things that dearly need replacing
I cling onto things that I know I need to change or let go of but cannot do it easily.

broken time ruling pain and failed aging
The past and pain continue to influence and rule over my life, causing me to age prematurely.

when I let go I just am
When I finally let go of my emotional baggage and negativity, I can exist as my true, unencumbered self.

conjured back to myself I just am
I'm brought back to my true identity and self when I free myself from my burdens and negative tendencies.

in holding on I've grown too tight my joints are cracked my eyes gone white
By holding onto the past and negativity, I've become stiff and brittle, unable to move or see clearly.

stop holding don't wait too long your face is sown
Stop clinging onto negativity and waiting too long to make a change or you'll cause permanent damage to yourself.

your fears won't fail and new ones will show
Your fears will not go away and will even create new ones to torment you.

only steps you take will help you to grow
You can only overcome your fears and grow by taking small, incremental steps towards change and improvement.

and when I hope I hope I'm home
And when I finally find my sense of home and belonging, I'll feel hopeful and content.

I'll step inside and I'll feel grown
I'll enter my new, self-created home feeling like an adult who's overcome their past and ready for their future.

if only don't wait for safe just fall inside
If only I hadn't waited for safety and certainty to make a change and instead just took a leap of faith to start anew.

and wisely forgetting to take that treasured stain you've always relied
It's wise to leave behind the negative habits and memories that you've held onto like a treasured possession that only weighs you down.

I wonder what you'll show
I'm curious to see what life and the future holds when you finally let go and embrace change.