The Catalyst
Dissimulator Lyrics

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Father, take my eyes and hold them to the fire
My soul is black as night, and I can't see you there

Sever me; I need to bleed out this infection (I need to)
Cauterize, burn the flesh, and make me whole again

Once again I throw myself onto shards of glass
Just leave me on the ground

I will just do it again for I am the destroyer
I am the catalyst; you will offer me a way out
And I am the destroyer; don't expect me to ever be free

My vision is darkening; I need to bleed out this infection (I need too)
I am the destroyer, I am the catalyst

Sever me, I need to bleed, out this infection (I need too)
Cauterize, burn the flesh, and make me whole again

It's too late (I will never survive)
Just leave me on the ground (There's nothing left inside)
The cancer has taken a hold of me (Into the ashes I fall)
The cancer has taken its hold on me

I am the cancer, I am the cancer

I am the cancer

Overall Meaning

The song opens with the plea to "Father" to take the singer's eyes and hold them to the fire. This sets the tone of the song as a desperate cry for help. The singer feels that their soul is black as night and they cannot see the way out of their current situation. They beg to be severed, to bleed out the infection that is preventing them from seeing the light. They want to be cauterized, to have their flesh burned, so they can be made whole again.

As the song progresses, the singer expresses a sense of hopelessness, throwing themselves onto shards of glass, accepting their role as the destroyer and catalyst. They do not believe that they will ever be free, and as their vision darkens, they need to bleed out the infection even more desperately. The repeated refrain of "I am the destroyer, I am the catalyst" expresses the singer's belief that they are causing harm to themselves and those around them. The cancer metaphor intensifies this idea, as the singer admits to being the cancer itself.

Overall, "The Catalyst" is a dark and intense song about feeling trapped and needing to be freed, even if it means going through painful and drastic measures to achieve that freedom. The singer is searching for a way to heal, but at the same time, they feel they are the problem.

Line by Line Meaning

Father, take my eyes and hold them to the fire
I am asking for my sins to be punished and my guilt to be burned away.

My soul is black as night, and I can't see you there
I am so immersed in darkness that I cannot perceive or feel hope, goodness, or love.

Sever me; I need to bleed out this infection (I need to)
I need to be cut off from everything that harms me, to release my pain, and to cleanse my heart and mind.

Cauterize, burn the flesh, and make me whole again
I need to feel intense pain to understand that I am alive, that I can grow stronger from my wounds, and that I can find my purpose again.

Once again I throw myself onto shards of glass
I am relapsing into self-harm, in a desperate attempt to distract myself from my inner turmoil and to feel something physical instead of emotional.

Just leave me on the ground
I am surrendering to my depression and to my doubts, realizing that I cannot stand up by myself.

I will just do it again for I am the destroyer
I am acknowledging that I have the power to hurt myself, to sabotage my relationships, and to damage my hopes and dreams, as if I enjoy destruction and chaos.

I am the catalyst; you will offer me a way out
I am suggesting that I am a trigger or a messenger for change, and that I expect someone else to rescue me from my despair, even if I am not ready to accept help yet.

And I am the destroyer; don't expect me to ever be free
I am warning others that I am trapped in my own vicious circle of negative thoughts and behaviors, and that I cannot break free without radical intervention and support.

My vision is darkening; I need to bleed out this infection (I need too)
I am slipping deeper into anxiety and despair, and I know that I need to bleed out my fear and pain through drastic measures.

It's too late (I will never survive)
I am losing hope and faith in myself and in the future, and I believe that my misery is irreversible and fatal.

There's nothing left inside
I am admitting that I feel empty, numb, and disconnected from myself, others, and life itself.

The cancer has taken a hold of me (Into the ashes I fall)
I am equating my psychological afflictions with a deadly disease, and I am surrendering to its power, as if it is consuming me from the inside and turning me to ashes.

I am the cancer, I am the cancer
I am taking ownership of my mental illness, as if it defines me and controls everything I do, see, and feel.

Contributed by Amelia E. Suggest a correction in the comments below.

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