A Fine Romance
E. Fitzgerald L. Armstrong Lyrics

A fine romance, with no kisses
We are pretending to be in a romantic relationship, but we don’t really have any physical affection.

A fine romance, my friend this is
We are putting up a facade of being in a great romantic relationship, but in reality it’s anything but.

We should be like a couple of hot tomatoes
We should be passionate and enthusiastic like a couple that’s really in love.

But you're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes
But you, my partner, seem uninterested and disengaged, making it seem like we’re not really in love.

A fine romance, you won't nestle
In this so-called romantic relationship, you won’t even hug me affectionately.

A fine romance, you won't wrestle
You won’t even express any physical passion or interest in me.

I might as well play bridge With my old maid aunt I haven't got a chance This is a fine romance
I might as well spend time playing cards with my boring old aunt because I have no chance of any romance in this relationship.

We two should be like clams in a dish of chowder
We should be content and comfortable together like clams in a dish of chowder.

But we just fizz like parts of seidlitz powder
But our relationship is fizzling out like seidlitz powder.

Yes, a fine romance, with no glitches
Yes, a perfect romantic relationship, with no obstacles or challenges.

A fine romance, with no beaches
A romantic relationship lacking passion and intimacy.

Just as hard to land as the Isle de France
As elusive as the hardest things to achieve, like landing on the Isle de France (a difficult task).

You take romance, I'll take jello
I prefer jello (anything else) to this fake romantic relationship.

You're calmer than the seals In the arctic ocean At least they flap their fins To express emotion
You are so calm and unemotional in this relationship that even arctic seals look more emotionally expressive.

A fine romance with no quarrels With no insults and all morals
A romantic relationship that lacks any real depth or passion, free of any arguments or insults, but with boring, strict morals intact.

I've never mussed the crease In your blue serge pants I never get the chance This is a fine romance
I’ve never even been close enough to my partner to mess up the crease in their pants, that's how boring and unromantic this relationship is.

Two old fogies who need crutches True love should have the thrills That a healthy crime has Oh we don't have the thrills That the march of time has
We are two old people who need assistance in our lives, but even the excitement of a good crime doesn’t compare to the excitement missing from our failed relationship.

My strong aged in the wood woman You never give the orchids I sent a glance No I prefer cactus plants This is a fine romance
I, an aged person myself, send my partner orchids as proof of my love for her, but she prefers cactus plants. Our love is anything but romantic.