Boomer Johnson
Frank Hayes Lyrics

Oh, Mister Boomer Johnson was a-gettin' old in spots
Boomer Johnson was aging and his skills were deteriorating

But you don't expect a bad man to go 'rasslin' pans and pots.
It is unusual for someone known for their violent behavior to take up cooking

He'd done his share of killin', but his draw was gettin' slow
Boomer Johnson had a history of violence, but he was no longer as quick as he used to be

So he quits a-punchin' cattle and he takes to punchin' dough.
He stops working as a ranch hand and starts cooking instead

Our foreman up an hires him thinkin' age had rode him tame
His new employer hires him assuming he has become less aggressive with age

But a snake don't get no sweeter by the changin' of his name.
A dangerous person does not become any less dangerous just because of a change in occupation

Boomer knew his business, he could cook to make you smile
Despite his past, Boomer was skilled at cooking

But say, he wrangled fodder in a most peculiar style.
Boomer had some unusual techniques for cooking

He didn't use no matches, left 'em layin' on the shelf
Boomer did not use matches to start fires

Just some kerosene and cussin', and the kindlin' lit itself
Instead, he used kerosene and profanity to light fires

Pardner, I will tell you, it would give a man a jolt
His methods of cooking were surprising and sometimes alarming

Just to see him stir frijoles with the barrel of his Colt.
He would use his gun to stir beans

He built his doughnuts solid, and it sure would curl your hair
Boomer made his doughnuts very dense

Just to see him plug the holes when he tossed them in the air,
He would plug the holes in his doughnuts by shooting them with his gun

He drilled the holes plumb center every time his pistol spoke,
He was very accurate with his gun and could hit the center of the doughnuts consistently

'Til the can was full of doughnuts and the shack was full of smoke.
He made so many doughnuts that the kitchen was filled with smoke

We was all a-gettin' jumpy but he couldn't understand
His fellow cooks were nervous about his behavior, but he did not comprehend why

How his shootin' made us nervous when his shootin' was so grand.
He did not understand why his gun use made others uncomfortable, as he was very accurate

He kept right on performin' and it weren't no surprise
Boomer continued to shoot his gun while cooking, despite others being nervous

When he took to markin' tombstones on the covers of his pies.
He began to inscribe grave markers on the pies he made, which further worried his colleagues

They didn't look no better nor they didn't taste no worse
Despite his strange behavior, the quality of his cooking did not suffer

But settin' at the table was Iike ridin' in a hearse.
Eating with Boomer was an uncomfortable experience

We didn't do no talkin' and we took just what we got
Boomer's colleagues were silent at meals and did not ask for anything special

We et 'til we was foundered just to keep from gettin' shot.
They ate as much as possible to keep Boomer from shooting them

It was early one bright mornin', I was feelin' kinda low
On a particular morning, one colleague was not feeling well

When Boomer passed the doughnuts, I answered, 'Plenty, no
When offered a doughnut, the colleague declined

Coffee's all this trip I'm takin','cause my stomach is a wreck.'
He only wanted coffee due to feeling ill

You could see the lust for killin' swell the wattles of his neck.
Boomer became angry that someone did not want his doughnuts

Scorn his grub! He strung some doughnuts on the barrel of his gun
In response, Boomer strung doughnuts on his gun

He shoved it in my gizzard and he says, 'You're takin' some.'
He then forced the doughnuts on his colleague

He was set to start a graveyard but for once he was mistook
Boomer, who had been acting dangerously, was surprised when he did not get the response he expected

Me not wantin' any doughnuts, well I up and salts the cook.
The colleague responded by insulting Boomer

Did they fire him? Listen, pardner, there was nothin' left to fire
After the incident, there was no reason to fire Boomer

Just a row of smilin' faces and another cook to hire,
Boomer's colleagues were glad that he was gone and a new cook was hired

If he found another outfit and is cookin', what I mean,
If Boomer continues to cook for someone else

It's where they don't need matches and they don't use kerosene.
It will have to be somewhere that does not require his unusual cooking methods