Xmas Values
Frank Zappa Lyrics


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Spider: I think I can explain about about how the pigs' music works
Monica: Well, this should be interesting
Spider: Remember that they make music with a very dense light
John: Yeah
Monica: O.K.
Spider: And remember about the smoke standing still and how they they really get uptight when you try to move the smoke, right?
Monica: Right
John: Yeah?
Spider: I think the music in that dense light is probably what makes the smoke stand still. As soon as the pony's mane starts to get good in the back any sort of motion, especially of smoke or gas, begins to make the ends split
Monica: Well don't the splitting ends change the density of the ponies' music so it affects the density of the pigs' music, which makes the smoke move which upsets the pigs?
Spider: No, it isn't like that
John: Well, how does it work?
Spider: Well, what it does is when it strikes any sort of energy field or solid object or even something as ephemeral as smoke, the first thing it does is begins to inactivate the molecular motion so that it slows down and finally stops. That's why the smoke stops. And also have you ever noticed how the the smoke clouds shrink up? That's because the molecules come closer together. The cold light makes it get so small, this is really brittle smoke
John: And that's why the pigs don't want you to touch it
Spider: See, when the smoke gets that brittle what happens when you try to move it is it disintegrates
John: And the pigs get uptight 'cause you know they, they worship that smoke. They salute it every day
Monica: You know we've got something here




John: And, and, and, and that's the basis of all their nationalism. Like if they can't salute the smoke every morning when they get up . . .
Spider: Yeah, it's a vicious circle. You got it

Overall Meaning

"Xmas Values" is a satirical song by Frank Zappa that mocks the commercialization of Christmas and the values associated with it. The above lyrics are part of a nonsensical conversation between characters named Spider, Monica, and John about the pigs' music and their reverence for smoke. The absurdity of the conversation highlights the pointlessness of the values that society attaches to Christmas, such as the emphasis on material goods and rituals.


Zappa's use of humor and satire in this song is typical of his music and lyrics. He often used his art as a platform to criticize societal norms and conventions. In "Xmas Values," he attacks the rampant consumerism and shallow values of Christmas, showing how even something as trivial as smoke can become an object of worship.


The song also showcases Zappa's unique musical style, which blends various genres and techniques, including jazz, rock, and avant-garde. The music is complex and intricate, with unexpected shifts in rhythm and melody.


Line by Line Meaning

Spider: I think I can explain about about how the pigs' music works
Spider is confident in his ability to elucidate upon the workings of pig music.


Monica: Well, this should be interesting
Monica expresses anticipation about Spider's explanation.


Spider: Remember that they make music with a very dense light
Spider asks his comrades to remember the fact that pigs make music via dense light.


John: Yeah
John affirms his recollection of pig music production.


Monica: O.K.
Monica gives permission for Spider to continue.


Spider: And remember about the smoke standing still and how they they really get uptight when you try to move the smoke, right?
Spider recalls the phenomenon of static smoke and the pigs' sensitivity towards any alterations of such smoke.


Monica: Right
Monica agrees with Spider's statement.


John: Yeah?
John seeks further explanation from Spider.


Spider: I think the music in that dense light is probably what makes the smoke stand still. As soon as the pony's mane starts to get good in the back any sort of motion, especially of smoke or gas, begins to make the ends split
Spider hypothesizes that the music pig produce via dense light is responsible for static smoke, whereas any kind of movement may cause the smoke to disperse.


Monica: Well don't the splitting ends change the density of the ponies' music so it affects the density of the pigs' music, which makes the smoke move which upsets the pigs?
Monica wonders if disruption of the source of static smoke also disrupts pig music's density, causing the smoke to move and thus annoy the pigs.


Spider: No, it isn't like that
Spider denies Monica's conjecture.


John: Well, how does it work?
John enquires into the mechanics of the phenomenon under discussion.


Spider: Well, what it does is when it strikes any sort of energy field or solid object or even something as ephemeral as smoke, the first thing it does is begins to inactivate the molecular motion so that it slows down and finally stops. That's why the smoke stops. And also have you ever noticed how the the smoke clouds shrink up? That's because the molecules come closer together. The cold light makes it get so small, this is really brittle smoke
Spider explains how pig music's dense light interacts with smoke to cause static smoke which he describes as brittle and caused by a decrease in molecular motion brought about by pig music.


John: And that's why the pigs don't want you to touch it
John concludes that pigs are possessive of static smoke due to its brittleness which makes it susceptible to disintegration upon touch.


Spider: See, when the smoke gets that brittle what happens when you try to move it is it disintegrates
Spider reiterates the fragility of static smoke and what happens when somebody attempts to move it.


John: And the pigs get uptight 'cause you know they, they worship that smoke. They salute it every day
John suggests that static smoke holds great importance to pigs, being that they appear to revere it in daily rituals.


Monica: You know we've got something here
Monica realizes the significance of their discussion and its potential implications.


John: And, and, and, and that's the basis of all their nationalism. Like if they can't salute the smoke every morning when they get up . . .
John links the worship of static smoke to the pigs' nationalism, implying that its absence might adversely impact their ideological foundation.


Spider: Yeah, it's a vicious circle. You got it
Spider agrees with John's analysis, stating that it is a self-perpetuating cycle.




Contributed by Sadie E. Suggest a correction in the comments below.
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Comments from YouTube:

Pierre Voyard

Fait pour ceux qui aiment les beaux sons et les graves amples et profonds ! Étonnante prise de son, et puis merde, quoi, c'est du Zappa !

pillihp zelaznog

Some people may say this is just noise.. but to me this is my kind of Christmas! And a Merry one to you all!

Brent Raby

This is my favorite side of Zappa

James A Georgiades

Superb stuff, well ahead, miss you Frank…xx

TheWalkinTED JR

This is genius!

Wayne Danberry

The 'Modern Day Composer'!

Brent Cheetham

Brilliant!

The Original Masters

With most Zappa orchestral stuff, it always sounds like a more intense version of atonal tv scoring from the 60s. Yawning strings and horns, then plucky percussion, then back to the yawning, then again with the plucky percussion.

Richard Morton

Merry Christmas. This is his best yet all love.

Wayne Danberry

+Richard Morton , But NOW There is His Last CD, 'Dance Me This', Some COOL, Interesting Stuff!

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