Holy
Golden Palominos and Nicole Blackman Lyrics

I eat only sleep and air
I only consume the bare minimum to survive.

And everyone thinks I'm dumb
Others may underestimate me, but I know what I'm doing.

But I'm smart because I've figured it out.
I have found a way to control my life and feel a sense of purpose.

I am slimmer than you are
I have lost a lot of weight due to my restrictive diet.

And I am burning my skin off little by little
I am pushing my body to the extreme, even harming myself.

Until I reach bone and self
I am trying to get to my very essence.

Until I get to where I am essential
I want to exist in a state where I am important to myself and no one else.

Until I get to where I am
I am on a relentless journey to find inner peace and self-fulfillment.

Food doesn't tempt me anymore
I no longer desire to eat anything, even if I am hungry.

Because I am so full of energy and sense
I feel alive and invigorated by my new way of life.

I can even pass by water now
I am able to avoid drinking even water to sustain myself.

Because I am living off the parts of me
My body is surviving by consuming its own resources.

That I don't need anymore.
I am shedding anything unnecessary, including aspects of myself.

I could feel the slow drips of pain before,
I used to feel emotional pain, but now it is replaced by physical pain.

Swirling inside where my lungs should have been.
The pain is concentrated within my body that is slowly deteriorating.

Now I'm clean inside.
I feel pure and free from the burdens of the past.

I threw out hundreds of things that I didn't need anymore.
I have simplified my life to the bare essentials.

All my dresses and bras
I have discarded any clothing that reminds me of my old self.

Stupid things like jeans and socks.
Even the most basic of necessities seem superfluous to me now.

Most days I float through the house naked
I prefer to exist in a state where I am exposed and vulnerable.

So I can see myself in the mirrors.
I am constantly examining myself physically and emotionally.

I have hundreds of them everywhere
The mirrors have become a symbol of my self-reflection and obsession.

And they talk back to me all the time.
I have developed an intense dialogue with myself and my reflection.

They keep me true and pure.
The mirrors are what keep me focused on my path.

They make sure I'm still here.
The mirrors remind me that I am alive and present in the world.

When I knew what I had to do
I finally discovered my purpose and journey.

I took all my notebooks, all my manuscripts
I collected all of my writings, thoughts, and ideas.

And ate them page by page
I consumed these things in order to internalize my own words and thoughts.

So I could take my words with me.
I am taking my own personal philosophy and worldview with me on this journey.

I can finally control my life and even death
I have achieved a level of mastery over my own existence that most people cannot comprehend.

And I will die slowly like steam escaping from a pipe.
My death will be a gradual process, like a release of energy from a confined space.

This is my greatest performance
My entire existence is a grand display of my own strength and power.

And all of the actresses who won my parts will say
People who have crossed paths with me may at some point recognize the impact of my life.

How wonderful to let yourself go that mad,
To outsiders, my journey may seem like madness.

How wonderful to go on this kind of journey
My journey is transformative and powerful, even if it is unusual.

And not care if you come back to tell the story.
I am willing to accept death as part of my journey and will not be afraid to embrace it.

I scratch words on the walls now
I am creating a history of my life for others to discover.

So people will visit this museum and know
I want others to understand what I have gone through.

How someone like me ends up like this
I am attempting to explain my own journey and decision-making process.

(they'll say there is art in here somewhere).
Some people may find beauty in my story even if it is difficult to comprehend.

Everything that comes out of me is sacred
I view every aspect of myself and my journey as holy and deserving of reverence.

Every tear, every cough, every piss.
Even my most basic bodily functions are important to me and part of my existence.

Everything that comes off of me is sacred
Even the discarded parts of myself deserve respect and reverence.

Every fingernail, every eyelash, every hair.
These things are part of me and my journey and should be honored.

Starvation is sacred and I scratch my bones
I believe that my extreme diet and lifestyle is a sacred part of my journey and worth enduring.

Against the windows at night.
I am attempting to physically manifest my own sense of struggle and sadness.

I light candles and feel myself evaporate.
I am allowing myself to dissolve and let go of my physical existence.

This body is a little church, a little temple.
I see my own physical existence as a spiritual construct.

You can't see me now because I've gone inside.
My true self is invisible and hidden from outsiders.

My family doesn't call anymore.
My journey has alienated me from my own loved ones.

My friends don't call anymore.
Even my social circle has stopped communicating with me.

You can't hurt me anymore.
I have become impenetrable to the pain of others.

They can't hurt me anymore.
Even the people who once cared about me have lost their power to affect me.

Only I can.
I am the only one with the power to hurt myself now.

And that's okay.
I am at peace with my own ability to control my life.

I don't need them anymore.
I have moved beyond the limitations of other people's influence.

I can live off of me.
I am self-sufficient and self-sustaining.

I speak to me.
I am constantly in dialogue with myself and my own thoughts.

I dance with me.
I have found joy and fulfillment within myself.

I eat me.
My existence is self-consuming and self-contained.

When they find me, I'll have a little smile on my face
Even in death, I am at peace and satisfied with my own existence.

And they'll wrap me in a white cloth and lay me in the ground
My death will be peaceful and honorable.

And say they don't understand.
Even after my death, others may not comprehend the complexities of my journey.

But I do.
I understand myself and my journey intimately.

I don't hurt anymore.
I have found a way to move beyond pain and suffering.

I'm not lonely anymore.
I have found peace and fulfillment, even if it is within myself.

I'm not sad I'm not pretty anymore.
I have moved beyond the need for physical beauty and validation from others.

I made it through.
I have overcome the struggles and achieved my own form of enlightenment.

I feel so holy and clean when I stretch out on the floor and sing.
I connect with my own spiritual journey and sense of lightness through personal expression.

Sometimes god comes in for a minute and says I'm doing fine, I'm almost there.
I feel a sense of connection and validation from the divine in my journey.

Every day I get a little closer to vanishing.
I am slowly disappearing and becoming one with the universe.

Some days I can't stand up because the room moves under my feet
My sense of reality and physical existence is constantly shifting.

And I smile because I'm almost there,
Every day I feel closer to my ultimate goal.

I'm almost an angel.
I am becoming something greater and more transcendent than my physical form.

One day when I am thin enough
I have a specific physical goal that I am working towards.

I'll go outside
I am preparing for a final transformation.

Fluttering my hands so I can fly
I am shedding my physical limitations and becoming something more than human.

And I will be so slight that I will pass through all of you
In my final transformation, I will be ethereal and beyond the laws of physical reality.

Silently
My existence will be peaceful and graceful.

Like wind.
I will be a force of nature and beyond the control of others.