The Charabanc Trip
Ivor Biggun Lyrics

On the map of North Notts you'll find Worksop
Worksop is a location in North Nottinghamshire

Where I lived when I was a lad
I lived in Worksop when I was young

In a house with me Mam, two sisters and Gran
I lived in a house with my mother, two sisters, and grandmother

One brother, a budgie, and Dad
I also had one brother, a pet budgie, and my dad lived with us

At the end of our street was a boozer
There was a pub at the end of our street

black as stout, uninviting and glum
The pub had a dark and unwelcoming appearance

A den of depravity, it stank like a lavatory
The pub was known for being a place of immoral behavior and had a foul odor

Where me Dad went to hide from me Mum
My dad would go to the pub to escape from my mom

At the end of the bar in a bottle
My dad would sit at the end of the bar and drink from a bottle

Every week half a dollar he'd slip
Every week, my dad would give half a dollar as a tip

For the annual treat when the kids in the street
This money was saved for a yearly treat

Went to coast on a charabanc trip
We would go on a trip to the coast in a charabanc

We'd set off in morning from Worksop
We would leave Worksop in the morning

En route for Sutton-on-Sea
Our destination was Sutton-on-Sea

With the Holiday Club, them as paid up their sub
Those who were part of the Holiday Club and had paid their subscription fee joined us

Half the street and my brother and me
Half of the street's residents, along with my brother and me, went on the trip

There was old Mrs. Brough from the tripe shop
Mrs. Brough from the tripe shop joined us

Big soft Doris, her two little lasses
Doris and her two daughters, who were rather soft, also joined

And her sister Helen with a bust like two melons
Helen, Doris's sister, had a large bust

And a face like an arse'ole with glasses
Helen had a peculiar-looking face and wore glasses

There was Perfumed Gordon the hairdresser
Gordon, the hairdresser who liked to wear perfume, was there

And nobody did make it clear
It was unclear why

Why a rude boy called Taylor
A rude boy named Taylor

Cried out 'Hello Sailor'
Shouted 'Hello Sailor'

And something about ginger beer
And mentioned something about ginger beer

There was Desperate Derek, his brother Big Eric
Desperate Derek and his brother, Big Eric, were also on the trip

And Basher and Masher and Butch
Basher, Masher, and Butch were present too

And Lil' who was willing for only a shilling
Lil' was willing to go on the trip for only a shilling

Which was still about ten pence too much
Although it was a reasonable price, Lil' still thought it was a little expensive

There was Mavis who wouldn't
Mavis was reluctant to join

'Cause her mum said she shouldn't
Her mother advised against it

There was Neville who wished that he could
Neville wished he could go on the trip

And then there was Heather who said that she'd never
Heather claimed that she would never go on the trip

But looked like she probably would!
Despite her words, it seemed likely that she would eventually go

Well my Dad took a crate of ale with him
My dad brought a crate of beer with him

Intending to travel in style
He wanted to travel with comfort and enjoy himself

Charabanc did 25 miles to the gallon
The charabanc we traveled in had a fuel efficiency of 25 miles per gallon

My Dad did half pint to the mile
However, my dad drank half a pint of beer for every mile we traveled

Rain were chucking it down leaving Worksop
It was raining heavily as we left Worksop

Through North Notts it did not desist
The rain continued throughout North Nottinghamshire

There were cows with bronchitis and wet sheep to invite us
We passed by cows with bronchitis and soaked sheep, which added to the gloomy atmosphere

When Lincolnshire loomed up through t' mist
As we approached Lincolnshire, it appeared out of the mist

Rain slacked off soon to a medium monsoon
The rain eventually decreased to a moderate level

And the day didn't look such a black 'un
The day didn't seem as gloomy as before

When the driver called Reg pulled up by a hedge
Our driver, named Reg, stopped the charabanc by a hedge

And we all made a dash for the bracken
We hurriedly ran toward the bracken

Dad rushed to a tree and said 'excuse me'
My dad quickly went behind a tree and said 'excuse me'

And right there one penny he spent it
He used a penny to relieve himself

He said, 'Ain't it queer, one thing about beer
He remarked, 'Isn't it strange, one thing about beer

You don't really buy it, you rent it'
You don't truly own beer, you just borrow its effects

Well this idyllic scene mid the nettles and steam
In this picturesque setting amidst the nettles and mist

Was soon torn by my brother's plaintive cries
My brother's cries quickly disrupted the peace

The poor little nipper caught his dong in his zipper
My poor brother accidentally got his genitalia caught in his zipper

He was dancing with tears in his eyes
He was writhing and crying due to the pain

Then back on t' coach off to Sutton
We got back on the coach and continued our journey to Sutton

We got there, 'ee weather were grand
When we arrived, the weather was great

And we gazed on the sea, cold, the colour of tea
We admired the cold, tea-colored sea

And smelt candyfloss, dodgems and sand
We could smell the aroma of candyfloss, the excitement of the dodgems, and the sandy beach

There were shops full of rock
The shops were filled with rock candy

There were hats with rude slogans
There were hats with offensive phrases written on them

There was music and cries of hilarity
There was lively music and joyful laughter

There were games on the sands, there were jellied-eel stands
We played games on the beach, and there were also stalls selling jellied eels

And souvenir shops packed with vulgarity
The souvenir shops were filled with tasteless and vulgar items

My brother ran down to the ocean
My brother ran toward the ocean

His intention the water to reach
He wanted to touch the water

For his foot he just thrust in something disgusting
However, he stepped in something disgusting

A donkey had left on the beach
A donkey had left its droppings on the beach

The sea was as cold as a polar bear's dick
The sea was extremly cold

We watched Punch kill the crocodile dead
We observed a Punch and Judy show where Punch defeated a crocodile

And after throwing some sand at Salvation Army band
We playfully threw sand at the Salvation Army band

We went off to the funfair instead
We decided to go to the funfair instead

There was a ride called The Comet made you scream, faint and vomit
There was a thrilling ride named The Comet that would make you scream, faint, and even vomit

Half deafening you hung upside down
The ride was so loud that it made your ears ring, and it would briefly suspend you upside down

And the last bit, a spinner, brought up rest of yer dinner
The final part of the ride, a spinning section, would bring up any remnants of your meal

Not bad, you know, for just half a crown
Considering the cost was just half a crown, it was quite an experience

There were post cards with fat women, nudists and Scotsmen
Postcards featuring overweight women, nudists, and Scotsmen were available

Honeymooners and dirty week-enders
There were also postcards for honeymooners and people looking for a risqué weekend

And in a machine what the butler had seen
There was also a machine showing images that were typically seen by a butler

Dimly flickered about in suspenders
These images were slightly blurry and featured people in suspender belts

We ate cockles and whelks and big winkles
We enjoyed eating cockles, whelks, and large winkles

Soggy chips, toffee apples like glue
We also had damp chips and sticky toffee apples

The hot dogs were funny 'uns like something rude wrapped in onions
The hot dogs were peculiar, almost resembling something obscene, and were topped with onions

But we ate them, and pease pudding too
Nevertheless, we still consumed them, along with pease pudding

Then we went on to dodgems and waltzer
Next, we rode the dodgems and waltzer

And big dipper that rises and falls
We also experienced the big dipper, a roller coaster that goes up and down

It was on this machine that my brother turned green
During the ride, my brother became nauseous and turned pale

And his eyes stood out like bulldog's balls
His eyes bulged out, resembling the testicles of a bulldog

The poor little chap he was sick in his cap
Unfortunately, my poor brother vomited inside his cap

It was his best 'un, he started to cry
It was his favorite cap, so he began to cry

So not wishing to spoil it we swilled it in toilet
To preserve the cap, we rinsed it in the toilet

And he wore it until it was dry
He wore the cap until it had dried

The driver found us and said 'Back to the bus'
Our driver discovered us and instructed us to return to the bus

Through the dark we ran back the whole way
We hurried back to the bus in the darkness

Candyfloss in our hair, but we didn't care
We had strands of candyfloss in our hair, but we didn't mind

Eee we'd had such a wonderful day
Oh, what a fantastic day we had

And with charabanc firing on several cylinders
The charabanc was running on multiple cylinders

We set off for Worksop and home
We began our journey back to Worksop and our respective homes

Rattling down the highway singing songs of Max Bygraves
As we drove along the road, we sang songs by Max Bygraves

Accompanied on paper and comb
We accompanied ourselves with a paper and comb instrument

In the dim orange glow of the coachlight, so low
In the dim, low orange light of the coachlight

Courting couples were billing and cooing
Couples in romantic relationships were whispering sweet nothings

Hoping, perhaps, that the coats in their laps
They were possibly hoping that their coats would conceal their actions

Would conceal the rude things they were doing
They hoped their coats would hide their lewd behavior

We pulled up in our street about half past eleven
We arrived back in our street at approximately half past eleven

There was Mam, there was Granny & all
My mother and grandmother were waiting for us

They gazed in admiration at the plaster alsatian
They admired the plaster alsatian dog that we had won for them at a coconut stall

I drank up my Cocoa, I ate up my sandwich
I finished drinking my cocoa and eating my sandwich

And soon up in bed I was curled
I quickly climbed into bed and curled up

I was dreaming a dream I was leading the team
I dreamt of leading a team somewhere

On first charabanc trip around world
On our first charabanc trip around the world

Eee those things that I did when I was a kid
Oh, the things I used to do when I was a child

Although they were simple and small
Even though they were simple and insignificant

Now I've grown up I find I look back in my mind
As I've grown older, I often reminisce

I'm sure they were best times of all
I believe those were the best times of my life

'Cause I've been to Majorca, and by that's a corker
Because I've traveled to Majorca, and let me tell you, it was fantastic

I've been to Pompeii and Herico-alanium
I've been to Pompeii and Hericulum

The French Riviera, where the ladies are barer
I've visited the French Riviera, where the women are more scantily clad

I've even paddled in Meditter-anium
I've even dipped my toes in the Mediterranean Sea

I've drunk various vinos in Torremolinos
I've sampled different wines in Torremolinos

But of all these I'll tell you for free
But let me tell you, out of all those experiences

There's none can compete with that charabanc treat
None of those experiences can compare to the joy of the charabanc trip

With me brother to Sutton-on-Sea
Especially when I was with my brother in Sutton-on-Sea