Rainbow
Jay-Jay Johanson Lyrics

I can feel the weight around my ankles
I feel burdened by my past and present struggles.

Can't wait til the day I see this pain go
I hope to overcome my pain and find peace in the future.

Sunny days gone can't wait til the rain go
My happiness has faded and I long for better days ahead.

I really need to see a rainbow
I need a sign of hope and positivity to continue on.

I was a little over 8 when I knew
At a young age, I became aware of my sexual orientation.

It was right before 18 when they found out
My family discovered my sexual orientation when I was almost 18.

I was ashamed of who I was I didn't know what to do
I felt ashamed and confused about my identity and how to express it.

I thought I could hide it forever never come out
I thought I could conceal my true self and avoid coming out to my family.

My interest was just like the guys when I was coming up
My attractions were similar to my male peers while growing up.

I couldn't hide it anymore no longer cover up
I reached a point where I could not hide my sexuality any longer.

I wore my girl clothes in the morning on the way to school
I dressed up in feminine clothing on my way to school.

Then pulled my baggies out my backpack I'm like this isn't you
I felt conflicted about my appearance and how it did not reflect my true self.

Then my parents found out and they said this isn't you
My parents confronted me about my behavior and appearance.

Why you wanna be a dude don't you know you're beautiful
My parents expressed their disapproval of my behavior and tried to persuade me to conform to traditional gender roles.

Like I didn't know but those words had made me question
My parents' words caused me to question my identity and self-worth.

Is my inner work overridden by how I'm dressing
I questioned whether my appearance defined my true self or if my inner work was more important.

And I took it so personal thought they thought I was dope
I took their disapproval personally and felt hurt by their words.

If no one else love me my parents do now I'm losing hope
I felt hopeless and unloved, even by my supportive parents.

First heartbreak already lasting too long
I experienced heartache and pain, which seemed to last forever.

Only 18 and singing the saddest song
At a young age, I expressed my pain through music and songwriting.

He didn't know it all but it really wasn't his fault
My father did not fully understand my identity, but he was not entirely to blame for his lack of knowledge.

I mean he was just projecting everything that he was taught
My father's beliefs and values were shaped by societal norms and standards.

He was just protecting what he thought would bring me harm
My father was trying to protect me from the harm he believed my sexuality could bring.

I had to break down and learn his intentions most of all
I had to understand my father's good intentions and motives behind his actions.

I spent too much time thinking my Daddy didn't love me
I felt unloved and rejected by my father, and spent too much time dwelling on these negative thoughts.

Too much time thinking my Mama wouldn't want me
I feared my mother's rejection and disapproval of my identity.

Too much time dwelling on how I missed my sister
I focused too much on my sister's absence and how her support would have made a difference.

And thinking if I disappoint Dad the more he'd miss her
I feared that disappointing my father would make him miss my sister more.

But I was wrong sorry cuz I was wrong
I realized my misconceptions and apologized for my misunderstandings.

The more clarity I gained the more time I kept it strong
As I gained more clarity about my identity, I felt more confident and resilient in standing up for myself.

A lot of people gon listen and might think I'm trippin
Many people may listen to my story and doubt or criticize my experiences and feelings.

But when somebody love you and give you life you give forgiveness
Despite any disagreements or misunderstandings, I learned the importance of forgiveness and love towards my family.

Plus I hurt them too in different ways and never meant that
I recognized that I, too, had hurt my family in different ways and never intended to cause them pain.

You gave me life and healing is the best thing I can give back
I am grateful for my family and see healing and forgiveness as the best way to give back to them for giving me life.

So happy that we had our conversations in the open
I am grateful for the open and honest conversations I had with my family, which allowed us to work through our misunderstandings and find peace.

Now we glowing and we growing from the days that it was pouring
Now, my family and I are thriving and growing, even in the hardest and darkest of times.

I unlocked the chains round my ankles
I finally freed myself from the emotional weight of my past struggles and pain.

Finally seen the day I let the pain go
I have finally found peace and released my pain and struggles.

Sunny days here I can let the rain go
My happiness has returned and I can let go of my past sorrows.

I finally see my rainbow
I have found hope and positivity in my life, symbolized by the appearance of a rainbow.