This Time
Melanie Chisolm Lyrics

I've been practicing all day
I've rehearsed and prepared for this moment tirelessly

Now the words I meant to say are gone
But despite practicing, I now find myself unable to say what I intended

I promised that I wouldn't cry
I made a vow to myself not to shed tears

Told myself I had to try and hold on
I convinced myself to be strong and persevere

The truth, I lied
I was dishonest with myself

I hate myself inside
I feel deep-seated self-loathing

And why
I am unsure of the reason for my actions

I played the game and paid the price
I engaged in a course of action and suffered the negative consequences

I never look back
I tend to avoid dwelling on past events

I never cry, never try to wonder why
I suppress my emotions and avoid contemplation

I'll be on my own
I prefer loneliness to vulnerability

And never doubt, never shout or wonder how
I suppress doubt and frustration

I'll never be lonely until
I am content with my solitary state, unless

This time, this time, this time
at this particular moment

This time I will
I will take action and change some aspect of my life

I've been wide awake all night
I have been unable to sleep

There's no sign of sleep inside my mind
My mind is racing and I cannot rest

The headlight shadows scan my wall
The lights outside my window cast odd shadows on my wall

I convince myself you'll call in time
I try to convince myself that someone I am waiting for will soon contact me

The girl in me has died
A part of me, my innocence and optimism, has been lost

This time I will be yours completely
I will commit myself fully to a person or goal

This time I'll make sure you don't hate me
I will take steps to avoid negative outcomes or responses

This time I know, this time I can and this time I will
I am confident in my ability to succeed