The Penis Song
Momus Lyrics

Buckminster Fuller, inventor of the geodesic dome
A reference to Buckminster Fuller, a renowned inventor who gave a lecture entitled 'everything I know'

Once gave a lecture he entitled 'everything I know'
Continuation of the reference to Buckminster Fuller giving a lecture with the title 'everything I know'

Taking the title literally, he spoke four years or so
Buckminster Fuller literally spoke about everything he knew for around four years

And I intend to do the same, so make yourself at home
The singer intends to do the same as Buckminster Fuller, and speak about everything he knows, so the listener should make themselves comfortable

(Pull up a chair, smoke a cigar or something)
Suggestion to the listener to relax and get comfortable while listening to the singer speak about everything he knows

Cynthia Plaster Caster once took my cast and showed me
Reference to a woman named Cynthia Plaster Caster who took a cast of the singer's penis and showed it in an exhibition

In a penis exhibition in a gallery on Broadway
Explanation of where Cynthia Plaster Caster showed the cast of the singer's penis

So many people saw my penis in its glass case
The cast of the singer's penis was seen by many people in the exhibition

They recognise my penis now before my face
The singer's penis is now recognisable to people who saw it in the exhibition, even before they recognise the singer's face

The subject for today: does knowledge elevate or demean us?
The singer introduces the topic of the song, questioning whether knowledge elevates or demeans us

Everything you didn't want to know about my penis
The singer reveals that the song is about sharing details about his penis that the listener may not have wanted to know

A baker has a penis thing for flattening the dough
A baker has a tool for flattening dough that resembles a penis

But stick it in the oven and it rises up, like so
When the baker puts the dough in the oven, it rises up

The man who chops the melons up with a long and pointed knife
Reference to a man who cuts melons with a knife that resembles a penis

Has a penis with a mottled skin, I know, I asked his wife
The singer claims to know that the man who cuts melons has a penis with a mottled skin, as he asked his wife

(Very curious)
The singer adds an aside expressing his curiosity about the man's penis

A priest beneath his cassock has a penis just the same
Like any other man, a priest has a penis beneath his cassock

Some call the hypothalamus the penis of the brain
The hypothalamus is sometimes referred to as the 'penis of the brain'

One man's sport is fly fishing, and the other's, pocket billiards
Men have different hobbies, from fly fishing to pocket billiards

Congratulations, Watson, on your almost-Freudian brilliance
A sarcastic congratulations to someone on their supposed Freudian insight

The comedian from hell always thinks he can entertain us
A reference to a comedian who often shares details about his penis, thinking it will entertain his audience

Like the heather of the Highlands, mine is tipped with flecks of purple
The singer describes his penis as having purple flecks on its tip, like the heather of the Scottish Highlands

With a head as wise as Solomon, although shaped like a turtle
The singer compares the head of his penis to that of King Solomon, despite it being shaped like a turtle

It wears a flesh-tone roll-neck and the neck goes up and down
Description of the singer's penis, which resembles a turtleneck sweater that can go up and down

It comes out in the evenings and on Friday paints the town
The singer's penis is active in the evenings and on Fridays, going out and socialising

Obsessively, compulsively, it only wants one thing
The singer claims that his penis is obsessed and compulsively wants only one thing

To fill your chosen orifice with ropes of pearly string
The singer's penis desires to fill its partner's orifice with semen, which resembles pearly strings

Delivering its message to your womb or to your tongue
The message of the singer's penis is delivered either to the womb during intercourse, or to the tongue during oral sex

And then going slack and flaccid when its pressing work is done
The singer's penis becomes flaccid after its 'work' is done

In witty conversation, by drip or intravenus
The singer shares details about his penis in witty conversations, with a suggestion that it is like a drug that can be delivered through a needle or IV

I drop everything you didn't want to know about my penis
The singer reveals that he often shares details about his penis in conversations, even if people didn't want to know

(Some sort of Tourettes Syndrome)
The singer makes a reference to Tourettes Syndrome, which causes involuntary tics and outbursts, as a possibility for his need to share details about his penis

It's a very fine philosopher, debating right and wrong
The singer compares his penis to a philosopher, being able to debate moral concepts of right and wrong

Shows promise as a songwriter (it writes most of my songs)
The singer claims that his penis shows promise as a songwriter, writing most of his songs

Don't bury it in boxer shorts but wear it like a tie
The singer suggests that men shouldn't hide their penis in boxer shorts, but should wear it like a tie as a bold accessory

Or avant garde jewellery hanging from your fly
Another suggestion for men to showcase their penis as an avant garde piece of jewellery that hangs from their fly

(Very chic!)
The singer adds an aside that this avant garde style is very fashionable

Jean Luc Godard once declared, to gales of mystified laughter
Reference to Jean Luc Godard, a French filmmaker, who made a declarative statement that caused laughter and confusion

That some men wash their hands before they touch it, others after
Godard's statement was that some men wash their hands before touching their penis, while others do so after

And if you slot it carefully where the sun will never shine
A suggestion to carefully insert the penis in a place where the sun will never shine, indicating it should be used discreetly

You'll feel what's mine becoming yours, what's yours becoming mine
The singer suggests that through intercourse, partners share their bodies with each other

Well ladies and hermaphrodites, my tender-hearted readers
The singer addresses his audience, including females and hermaphrodites, as his tender-hearted readers

There was a bohemian monk
The singer begins a story about a bohemian monk

Who went to bed in a bunk
The bohemian monk went to bed in a bunk bed

He dreamt that Venus
In the bohemian monk's dream, he saw the goddess Venus

Was stroking his penis
In the bohemian monk's dream, Venus was stroking his penis

And woke up all covered in
The bohemian monk woke up covered in something, which is left to the listener's imagination

Thought for the day: does abstinence dirty us or clean us?
The singer poses a philosophical question about the effects of abstinence on a person's moral cleanliness

It's a tribute to the power of something otherwise mundane
The singer reflects on the taboo nature of discussing one's own penis and how it can have power, despite being mundane

That waving it under a stranger's nose is said to scar his brain
The singer makes a reference to the idea that exposing a stranger to one's penis can be a traumatic experience for them

I'm doing my bit to see the power of taboo remains intact:
The singer suggests that he is intentionally keeping the taboo nature of discussing one's penis alive

I keep a penis on my head but never lift my hat
The singer makes a provocative statement about wearing a prosthetic penis on his head, but never revealing it by removing his hat

And if I've bored you stiff with this riff about my penis
The singer acknowledges that his song may be boring to some listeners who aren't interested in the topic of penises

I wouldn't let a little thing like that come between us
The singer assures his listeners that their differing interests won't come between them

And if you can think of another song even more atrocious
The singer invites his listeners to think of a song even more terrible than his

Well supercalifragilisiticexpifuckingdocious
An exclamation indicating that the singer doesn't think anything can be worse than his own song