The band broke up after the release of their third full-length Shorthand Operation. According to vocalist Jeff Suffering at the time, the album "quite possibly could be the best record I'll ever record." Explaining their breakup, Suffering said "we had a rough tour and nobody wanted to continue playing in 'Christian' music industry."
After breaking up, Suffering and guitarist John Spalding went on to form Raft of Dead Monkeys with label mate members of Roadside Monument. Suffering later went on to form the still-active Suffering & the Hideous Thieves. He also contributes to Mars Hill Church in Seattle, Washington, USA.
Members:
Jeff Suffering - Vocals, Keyboards, Bass, etc.
John Spalding - Guitar
Matt Johnson - Bass
Marty Martinez - Drums
also Matt Nelson, John Himmelberger, Jiles ONeal, Brian Trimble, Matt Bailey and Bill Power
What I Am
Ninety Pound Wuss Lyrics
Jump to: Overall Meaning ↴ Line by Line Meaning ↴
See there is a need and see that the need is met.
Grasp that there is a hope and find hope to begin again.
Look through me, see something in me.
See some good for once.
For it could've been worse.
Feel my throat swallowing reason and these nerves pushing blood.
Anguish, I can't cope with the notion of what I've become.
I say it only gets worse.
I'll close my mind off.
Openness is something so awkward.
I want you to be here now.
Your emotions are cold.
This could lead to destruction and it always does.
Evidence of a transgretion has be clearly designed.
Since step one we've exercised guilt as rebellion.
Throwing away all that's substantial.
No longer is there relative reason of permanent existence at all.
What happens when your demands fall through
And power becomes your weakness?
Which in turn becomes the doubt I've had all along.
I am and I will not function anymore.
This is what I am, this is what I am,
This is what I am, this is what I am.
The song "I Am" by Ninety Pound Wuss is a powerful and emotional exploration of identity and self-worth. The first few lines, "Develop a taste for portrayal. See there is a need and see that the need is met," encourage the listener to really examine how they are presenting themselves to the world and to make sure that they are doing so in a way that is true and authentic. The next few lines, "Grasp that there is a hope and find hope to begin again. Look through me, see something in me. See some good for once. For it could've been worse," suggest that even when things seem hopeless or bleak, there is always the possibility for something better, and that others should look for the good in us rather than focusing only on our flaws.
The middle section of the song expresses a sense of frustration and existential angst. The lines "Anguish, I can't cope with the notion of what I've become. You say it couldn't be better. I say it only gets worse," show the tension between the desire for self-improvement and the feeling that it is impossible to change. The lines "I'll close my mind off. Openness is something so awkward" suggest a fear of vulnerability, an unwillingness to let others see one's true self. This fear may be rooted in a sense that others will judge or reject us if they truly know who we are.
The final section of the song is a kind of resignation or acceptance of one's place in the world. The lines "What happens when your demands fall through / And power becomes your weakness? / Which in turn becomes the doubt I've had all along" suggest that even when we think we are in control or have power, it can be illusory, and ultimately we are all subject to doubt and uncertainty. The repeated refrain of "This is what I am" is a kind of statement of identity, a recognition that we are who we are and must accept ourselves, flaws and all.
Line by Line Meaning
Develop a taste for portrayal.
Get used to expressing yourself.
See there is a need and see that the need is met.
Recognize the existence of problems and work to solve them.
Grasp that there is a hope and find hope to begin again.
Understand that there's always a chance for improvement, and make use of that possibility.
Look through me, see something in me.
Take the time to see what's really important about me.
See some good for once.
Focus on the positive aspects of a situation.
For it could've been worse.
Acknowledge that things could have been even more difficult.
Feel my throat swallowing reason and these nerves pushing blood.
Experience the physical reactions to intense emotions.
Anguish, I can't cope with the notion of what I've become.
Feeling overwhelmed by the changes that have taken place in one's life.
You say it couldn't be better.
Assumption that the situation can't improve.
I say it only gets worse.
Counter that things could get even more challenging.
I'll close my mind off.
Refusal to allow new thoughts or ideas.
Openness is something so awkward.
Being vulnerable and honest isn't easy.
I want you to be here now.
Desiring someone's presence and support.
Your emotions are cold.
A partner's emotional distance is causing concern.
This could lead to destruction and it always does.
Negative consequences as a result of emotional distance are common.
Evidence of a transgretion has be clearly designed.
Proof of wrongdoing is present.
Since step one we've exercised guilt as rebellion.
Feeling guilty and acting out are related.
Throwing away all that's substantial.
Not valuing what's truly important in life.
No longer is there relative reason of permanent existence at all.
Feeling lost and uncertain about the meaning of life.
What happens when your demands fall through
What occurs when expectations aren't met.
And power becomes your weakness?
Feeling powerless despite holding a position of influence.
Which in turn becomes the doubt I've had all along.
Uncertainty and insecurity have plagued this person for some time.
I am and I will not function anymore.
Feeling unable to continue in life normally.
This is what I am, this is what I am,
Recognizing oneself even in difficult times.
This is what I am, this is what I am.
Reaffirming one's identity in the face of challenges.
Lyrics © CAPITOL CHRISTIAN MUSIC GROUP
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