Creative Drug
Nowhere Lyrics

I'm not allowed to miss anyone I willingly left
I made the decision to leave those people behind and I'm not supposed to feel sad for walking away.

I thrive and I'm alone and right now I'm vigorous
I feel energized on my own and I'm enjoying being independent.

I have eyes for everyone
I'm constantly scanning and taking in my surroundings.

and I write in lines of drugs cause I use you like I use this
I use writing as an escape and I use people like I use drugs to avoid reality.

To hide from the light an' moon like an addict
I hide from the truth and the clarity it brings, much like an addict hides from sobriety.

so please let me wipe my feet off on your cheek before I enter your open mind - which
Please let me use your vulnerability to my advantage before I expose you to my way of thinking - which is not always positive.

just so happens to be an open wound - and just so happens to be just for me- and I
Your vulnerability also happens to be a source of my power and control, making me feel like the center of your attention.

just so happen to forget what happens to you when you figure out that you're being used
I choose to ignore the hurt and damage caused by my selfish behavior when you finally realize that I'm taking advantage of you.

The lightbulb always comes too late, like I've already burned my escape - an escaped
By the time I realize my actions have consequences, it's already too late for me to escape them, and I'm trapped in the cycle of using people and substances to cope.

- I never asked for this cape to be pinned to my back but covers up the finger nail
I didn't choose to be an addict, but my addiction has become my identity and it's a way for me to hide my pain from others.

graves and I like the way that makes me feel so I let you let me keep it intact
I find comfort in the fact that my addiction prevents me from having to confront the deeper issues that led me here.

Dressing up my feelings as fact
I use my addiction to distract from my true emotions; it becomes my reality.

you slip the black mask over my face
I allow others to enable my addiction and help me hide my true self.

thats when I learned that great minds think alike
I find comfort and validation in the company of fellow addicts who have experienced similar struggles.

but bad minds think exactly the same
While I feel a sense of belonging in the company of addicts, I also recognize that my behavior is harmful and self-destructive.

we used each other in bad taste
Addicts often lean on each other in unhealthy ways, enabling one another's behavior.

and I can't change, you can't change
I feel powerless to change my behavior, and I can't control how others respond to it either.

you can't change, you can't change
I acknowledge that I can't force others to change their behavior or choices either.

and I can't change your mind, but I can change your clothes
I can only control superficial things, like how someone dresses, but I can't change their underlying beliefs or behavior.

and I can't make things right but I can get close
I can't undo the damage my addiction has caused, but I can try to repair it and make amends in small ways.

I told myself to never write about love,
I made a conscious decision to avoid writing about positive emotions like love because it's harder to confront the negative emotions that drive my addiction.

I told myself to stick to what I know
I feel more comfortable sticking to familiar, unhealthy behavior patterns than trying something new.

the more I learn, the more I learn how much I don't
I'm discovering that my addiction is a complex issue that I don't fully understand, no matter how much I learn about it.

My desire to create and get higher suppreses my urge to want to die right here, to die right now
Engaging in creative outlets like writing or substance abuse helps me avoid addressing the deeper pain and suffering that could drive me to end my life altogether.

I want to bury my pain into something and someone else
I'm looking for a way to avoid dealing with my pain and I'm willing to use others in order to do so.

I'm always looking for an outlet
I constantly seek out ways to escape from painful emotions.

a being or thing to love
I crave affection and love, but I seek it out in unhealthy, unsustainable ways.

a new outlet for my suffering
I'm always looking for new ways to avoid dealing with my pain, rather than confronting it head on.

chopping up the latest creative drug and I take it to the brain when I breathe it in
I use creative outlets, like writing, as a way to escape and avoid confronting the deeper issues that drive my addiction.

the steam, the trip, the energy I get, it's only for one moment
My addiction provides a temporary high or release, but the underlying issues remain unaddressed.

it's strange using your arm like an 8-ball
I recognize that using others to fulfill my addiction is harmful and destructive, but I continue to do so regardless.

and using you like a one night stand
I use people for my own needs and then discard them, much like a one night stand.

and most people won't understand
I know that my behavior is not healthy, but I feel like most people can't understand the depth of my addiction and struggles.

that my dayjob is rehab and I don't wanna be sober
I recognize that I need help, but I'm not willing to fully commit to sobriety and find ways to cope differently.

I don't wanna get to know her
I'm afraid of confronting my deeper emotions and vulnerabilities that come with opening up to others and seeking help.

I just wanna unknow myself and be reminded later
Rather than address my addiction directly, I want to forget about it and ignore it until it resurfaces again in the future.

it's always darkest before the dawn
I hold onto the hope that things will get better eventually, even in my darkest moments of addiction.

but it's darker with sunglasses on
I'm trying to hide from the painful reality of my addiction, which only makes it worse.

but I wear 'em on in inside because when I create I'm an insomniac
I often feel restless and unable to sleep because my mind is consumed by my addiction and creative outlets.

and everyone thinks I'm on crack
Others are quick to judge and assume that I'm abusing drugs, which only adds to my negative feelings about myself and my addiction.

but fuck it what's the difference?
I feel like I'm already so far gone that it doesn't matter what others think or say about me.

Dependence is dependence, it depends on the way you look at it
Addiction is addiction, whether it's to drugs, writing, or something else; it's all about perspective.

An addict is an addict
Regardless of the type of addiction, the underlying issues and struggles are the same.

and I can't live without it, I don't know how to live without it
My addiction has become so central to my identity that I'm not sure how to function without it and it feels like a part of me that I can't let go of.

I don't know how to function
My addiction has taken over to the point where I struggle to live a normal, healthy life without it.

I'm not somewhere that I haven't been and I'm not good at being home, and I'm not good at sitting still
My addiction has led me down a destructive path and it's hard for me to stay in one place or be content with a regular, stable life.

and my soul has ADHD and I'm definitely mentally ill
I struggle with deeper mental health issues that exacerbate my addiction and make it harder to recover.

and I don't have a prescription for script, I can fill it out for myself
I'm willing to go to any lengths to feed my addiction, even if it means self-medicating or engaging in behavior that is harmful to myself and others.

the street runs for street drugs and I think think this street leads straight to hell
I recognize that my addiction is leading me down a destructive path that will only end in pain and suffering.

and I'm on a streak of losing so inevitably time will tell
I feel like I'm constantly losing in my addiction and it's only a matter of time before it catches up with me in some way.

But I'll tell that I'm telling you that I really don't miss my old self
Despite the negative outcomes of my addiction, I still feel like my life is better now than it was before.

Or any of the ones that have abused me
I don't miss the people who hurt me in the past and contributed to my addiction.

because I'm not allowed to
I feel like I'm not allowed to miss those people because it would mean confronting the underlying pain and trauma that drove me to addiction in the first place.

I left 'em so willingly
I chose to leave those people behind and start down the path of addiction on my own.