pulpit
Old Gray Lyrics

I have been waking up with blood in my mouth most days.
Frequent nightmares and worries have been leaving me restless and hopeless each morning.

Chocking on the metallic taste that coats my tongue.
The feeling of defeat and despair is so strong within me that it's difficult to gather the vigour and willpower to carry on with my life.

Can't remember if i promised today would hr the last, if so i lied.
I'm struggling with keeping up with my hopes of not living burdened by depression, latching onto every reason to end my life it presents itself.

That infinitesimal moment of my true thoughts will fade.
The occasional moments of clarity and strength feel fleeting and short-lived, always overpowered by my dark, negative thoughts.

Overcome by my need for you.
I depend on someone else's energy to keep me going, to provide me with the motivation and drive I need to keep myself alive.

I am a lie. I am a sickness.
I feel like I'm carrying a burden of fakeness and negativity within me, like I'm a fraud living an undeserving life, spreading negativity and hopelessness.

I am decaying.
I feel like my soul and my being are slowly withering away, succumbing to the exhaustion and weight of my constant dark thoughts.

I feel the life pouring from my veins, As I so feverishly try to shock life back into them,
I'm in a perpetual state of feeling like I'm on the verge of death, doing everything I can to hold onto the last shreds of life and energy within me, never feeling satisfied or adequate enough.

The way you so effortlessly did.
I'm fixated on the idea of someone else's effortless ability to cope and survive, and how I could never measure up to that standard or accomplish the same level of strength.

Maybe I should just end this here.
I'm constantly fighting with the idea of ending my life, seduced by the blissful thought of being finally free of the constant pain and darkness within me.

I wish that the promise of learning From their example would die on my lips, So that my words bear weight again.
I'm weighed down by the guilt and regret of not being able to live up to the expectations and examples of those who I look up to, and I feel like my words and promises are hollow and meaningless because of it.

My sanity won't let me count how many I've lost.
The pain of losing loved ones to suicide and depression is too deep for me to fathom, and it's contributing to my constant sense of hopelessness and despair.

Content only counting hours.
I'm so consumed by my negative thoughts and constant struggle that I'm only able to live hour by hour, unable to make long-term plans or think about the future.

Carefully planning, facing no aspect of life.
I'm constantly stuck in my own head, unable to think about anything beyond my depression and my constant battle to stay alive, leading to a stagnant, hopeless lifestyle.

As beautiful as this hole is, I need to climb out.
Despite feeling comfortable and familiar with my constant state of depression and hopelessness, I know deep down that I need to make a change and escape this vicious cycle to have any chance of living a fulfilling life.

The first time I contemplated death, I was 13.
My negative thoughts and feelings of hopelessness began at a young age, leading me down a dark path that's been difficult to shake ever since.

Took a knife from my kitchen counter, I did not know hot to perceive this.
My first experience with suicidal thoughts was terrifying and overwhelming, and I didn't know how to handle the magnitude of the feelings that were consuming me.

After eight, nine years of dealing with these thoughts I couldn't comprehend why i was feeling this way.
My constant struggle with my negative thoughts and depression has been going on for years, and I can't seem to fully understand or make sense of why I'm plagued by these feelings.

For the longest time i contemplated death as the only escape And the only way to make myself rid of the feelings i have felt.
I've struggled with my negative thoughts for so long that I've convinced myself that death is the only way out, the only way to escape the pain and darkness within me.

I've lost to many friends to feel that way anymore, To know that my life is not a continuation of theirs.
The pain of losing loved ones to depression and suicide has made me wary of following in their footsteps, and has given me a brief respite from my constant feelings of hopelessness and despair.

So I sit at home, and I waste away And I grow tired of the things I love.
My constant state of negativity and depression has made it difficult for me to find pleasure in things that used to bring me joy, leading to a sense of hopelessness and stagnancy within me.