If You Were Gay
Original Broadway Cast Lyrics


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(spoken)
ROD
Aah, an afternoon alone with my favorite book, "Broadway
Musicals of the 1940s." No roommate to bother me.
How could it get any better than this?

NICKY
Oh, hi Rod!

ROD
Hi Nicky.

NICKY
Hey Rod, you'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning.
This guy was smiling at me and talking to me --

ROD
That's very interesting.

NICKY
He was being real friendly, and I think he was coming on to me.
I think he might've thought I was gay!

ROD
Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this? Why should I care?
I don't care. What did you have for lunch today?

NICKY
Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, Rod...

ROD
I'm NOT getting defensive! What do I care about some
Gay guy you met, okay? I'm trying to read.

NICKY
Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Rod. I just think it's
Something we should be able to talk about.

ROD
I don't want to talk about it, Nicky! This conversation is over!!!

NICKY
Yeah, but...

ROD
Over!!!

NICKY
Well, okay, but just so you know --

(sung)
If you were gay
That'd be okay.
I mean 'cause, hey,
I'd like you anyway.

Because you see,
If it were me,
I would feel free
To say that I was gay
(but I'm not gay).

ROD
Nicky, please! I am trying to read...
What?!

NICKY
If you were queer
I'd still be here,
Year after year
Because you're dear
To me.
And I know that you
Would accept me too,
If I told you today
"Hey! Guess what,
I'm gay!"
(But I'm not gay)

I'm happy
Just being with you.
So what should it
Matter to me
What you do in bed
With guys?

ROD
Nicky, that's GROSS!

NICKY
No, it's not!
If you were gay
I'd shout hooray!
And here I'd stay,
But I wouldn't get
In your way.
You can count on me
To always be
Beside you every day,
To tell you it's okay,
You were just born
That way,
And, as they say,
It's in your DNA,
You're gay!

ROD
But I'm not gay!

NICKY
If you WERE gay.





ROD
Argh!

Overall Meaning

The song "If You Were Gay" is a comedic and lighthearted song from the musical Avenue Q, sung by the characters Rod and Nicky. The song begins with Rod expressing his excitement about having an afternoon to himself to read his favorite book. Nicky interrupts to tell Rod about a man on the subway who he believes was coming on to him, causing Rod to become defensive and deny that he would care if Nicky were gay. Nicky proceeds to sing the first verse of the song, stating that if Rod were gay, it wouldn't matter to him because he likes him anyway. He also expresses the wish that Rod would be more accepting of homosexuality, even if he himself is not gay. Rod continues to resist the discussion but eventually gives in, leading to a humorous exchange between the two friends.


The song is both funny and touching, highlighting the importance of acceptance and friendship despite differences. The lyrics play off of common stereotypes and assumptions about homosexuality, using them to poke fun while also pointing out the absurdity of such beliefs. The song's message is ultimately one of love and acceptance, demonstrating that even if someone is not gay, they can still be supportive and caring towards those who are.


Line by Line Meaning

If you were gay
If you were homosexual


That'd be okay.
That would be perfectly fine by me.


I mean 'cause, hey,
Because, hey,


I'd like you anyway.
I would still like you as a person.


Because you see,
Because you understand,


If it were me,
If I were in your position,


I would feel free
I would feel liberated


To say that I was gay
To be open about my sexuality


(but I'm not gay).
(not that I am currently gay)


If you were queer
If you were homosexual


I'd still be here,
I would still be your friend


Year after year
Constantly


Because you're dear
Because you are important


To me.
To me.


And I know that you
And I am aware that


Would accept me too,
You would accept me if I were homosexual too,


If I told you today
If I said to you right now


"Hey! Guess what,
Hey! Listen up,


I'm gay!"
I am homosexual!


(But I'm not gay)
(Although I am not currently homosexual)


I'm happy
I am content


Just being with you.
Just spending time with you.


So what should it
So why does it


Matter to me
Concern me


What you do in bed
What you do sexually


With guys?
With men?


Nicky, that's GROSS!
Nicky, that's disgusting!


No, it's not!
No, it's not!


If you were gay
If you were homosexual


I'd shout hooray!
I would celebrate loudly!


And here I'd stay,
I would remain your friend


But I wouldn't get in your way.
But I will not interfere with your life.


You can count on me
You can rely on me


To always be
To always stay


Beside you every day,
By your side every day,


To tell you it's okay,
To confirm that it is okay.


You were just born that way,
You were always intended to be that way


And, as they say,
And, as the saying goes,


It's in your DNA,
It is part of your genetic makeup


You're gay!
You are homosexual!


But I'm not gay!
But I am not homosexual!


If you WERE gay.
If you were a homosexual.


Argh!
Argh!




Lyrics © IMAGEM MUSIC INC
Written by: ROBERT LOPEZ, JEFF MARX

Lyrics Licensed & Provided by LyricFind
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Comments from YouTube:

Hotshotter3000

I love how the puppeteers seem to be enjoying it so much. Rod's puppeteer is also mimicking his puppet's emotions to get into character better. It's genius!

FatimaGochi

Yeah, John Tartaglia is an amazing puppeteer and actor and I love that in Avenue Q he can make two very different characters as Rod and Princeton :D

Jersey L0ad1ng

Hotshotter3000 .

eryn gresham

Hotshotter3000 john tartauglia looks super familiar

Danielle Wilson

eryn gresham He was Johnny in the Playhouse Disney show Johnny and the Sprites!

Puzzle Peace Gaming

Didn’t John Tartaglia also play Pinocchio in “Shrek the Musical”?

9 More Replies...

HorakhtytheCreator

Just recently discovered this production, and I have to say:

I've been missing out on some of the funniest and most clever Broadway songs ever written!

Star-Kingo

+HorakhtytheCreator I know, right?!

Broadway Classics

+HorakhtytheCreator Go and see it - it's still playing!

planet mars

+Broadway Classics Still playing?! RIGHT NOW TOO? WHERE?!

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