Kids
Paul Lynde Lyrics

Kids!
Expressing disbelief and frustration with misbehaving and problematic children

I don't know what's wrong with these kids today!
Puzzled and discontented with the behavior of today's children

Who can understand anything they say?
Baffled by the words and manner of speech employed by kids

They are disobedient, disrespectful oafs!
Characterizing kids as impudent, unruly boors

Noisy, crazy, sloppy, lazy, loafers!
Describing children as lively, disorderly, slovenly, indolent layabouts

While we're on the subject:
Introducing or continuing a topic of discussion pertaining to children

You can talk and talk till your face is blue!
Stating the ineffectiveness of verbal persuasion when it comes to children

But they still just do what they want to do!
Observing the disregard of kids towards authority and guidance

Why can't they be like we were,
Yearning for the children to follow the example of the artist and their contemporaries

Perfect in every way?
Exaggerating the virtues of the artist's generation and contrasting it with the perceived flaws of today's children

What's the matter with kids today?
Rhetorical question emphasizing the dissatisfaction and frustration with the behavior of children

I've tried to raise you the best I could
Asserting the artist's effort and dedication in raising their children

All the things I've done were for your own good!
Justifying the actions taken by the singer in the interest of the children's welfare

Can't you once appreciate how I've sacrificed?
Expecting acknowledgment and gratitude from the children for the sacrifices made by the singer

Working, slaving, scrimping saving pennies
Enumerating the hardships and struggles faced by the singer in order to provide for the children

And living with your father!
Implying the burden of coping with the father's presence or behavior in the household

No one knows the burdens I've had to bear
Exclaiming frustration and feeling unappreciated for the efforts and burdens of raising the children

And in my condition
Referring to an unmentioned physical or emotional state of the singer which might exacerbate their struggles and stress

I'm a poor sick woman and does he care? (Ha!)
Mocking the insensitivity and indifference of the husband or another party towards the singer's situation

Go on go on and kill me, that's what it's coming to
Hyperbolic expression of hopelessness or despair over the ungrateful and disloyal children

When a mother has kids like you!
Blaming the children for the distress and feeling of worthlessness of the mother

All the chicken soup that I've made for you
Recalling the mother's efforts in providing care for the children's well-being

Now you throw me out like a worn out show
Feeling neglected or mistreated by the children after reaching a certain age or condition

Not in front of everybody Mom
Appealing to the mother not to embarrass themselves or anyone else through their outburst or complaints

After all I haven't been such an awful son
Asserting that despite the mother's grievances and complaints, the singer has not been overly troublesome or ungrateful

I never sass you back or leave a ring around the bathtub
Citing examples of good behavior by the singer to counter the mother's accusations or discontentment

And don't I always phone you?
Mentioning the effort made by the singer to maintain contact and communication with the mother

You can give your life to them night and day
Stating the all-consuming nature of parenting and the dedication required to raise children

Then they go get married and go away
Expressing a mix of pride and sadness over the children's departure from home and establishment of their own family

Married! Who's getting' married???
Reacting with surprise or disapproval over the announcement or speculation of the children's marriage

Why do we have these children? Better to have a pet
Questioning the purpose or value of having children and suggesting an alternative in a pet animal

You know where you stand with the pet
Implying that a pet is more predictable, loyal and less problematic than children

I never asked for nothing, nothing is what you'll get
Protesting the lack of gratitude, loyalty or compliance from the children despite the artist's efforts and affection

What's the matter with kids to----
Introducing another complaint or criticism directed at the children, but interrupted or truncated by another character

I tried Lou but I failed
Admitting defeat or frustration in dealing with the children and seeking support or sympathy from another person

Oh you didn't Momma, ya didn't!
Contradicting the mother's self-blame and expressing reassuring words of comfort and gratitude to the mother

Don't try to pay me back Sonny, I forgive ya
Absolving the singer of any guilt or debt towards the mother, despite the struggles or complaints

So what if your an ingrate? so as long as your happy
Rationalizing the children's behavior or attitude as long as they are content or fulfilled

I don't want to be happy!
Rejecting the idea or value of personal happiness or gratification over other concerns or values

Don't feel guilty! Just make believe I'm old used car!
Mockingly encouraging the artist to treat the mother as a discardable or expendable asset with no emotional value

Junk me! Leave me in the gutter!
Extending the metaphor of the car as an expression of disdain or self-pity

Oh I'll never leave you never!
Reassuring the mother of the singer's commitment and love despite the difficulties or conflicts

You heard him! Your a witness!
Empowering or validating the promise or statement made by the singer earlier

I promise Momma, I never broke a promise to my Momma!
Reiterating the artist's dedication and loyalty to the mother despite the mother's complaints or doubts

(Good boy)
Expressing approval, pride or satisfaction with the artist's words or actions

Yeah, what's the matter with kids?
Restating the rhetorical question and implying a shift in tone or attitude towards a more positive or accepting view of children

Nothing's the matter with kids today!
Conveying a final assertion or resolution that the perceived flaws or issues with children are not significant or irreversible