Mother
S.T.F. Lyrics

Where am I from if I'm not from here
I feel uncertain and disconnected about where I come from and where I belong.

Years of debris make it all unclear
The past has left behind so much confusion and mess that I can't figure things out.

Maybe there's no use fighting it
Trying to resist and change things might be pointless.

Cause I've called it home since '96
Despite the confusion, I have grown up and lived here since 1996 and this place started feeling like home.

So am I stuck living on frontiers
I wonder if I will always be living on the edge, not fully belonging anywhere.

I flipped through the photos
I looked back at my life through old photographs.

When time moved in slow-mo
Looking back made it feel like time was moving slowly.

But I don't see nothing
But I didn't see anything that would make sense of my confusion and disorientation.

Reliving the moments
Going back in my mind and remembering past experiences.

Distorted by motion
But they seemed distorted and unclear, as if viewed through a shaky lens.

I know I was born my mother's son
I remember that I came into this world as my mother's child.

So why did I reject my mother tongue
But I wonder why I didn't embrace and keep speaking the language she taught me.

I wish I could retrace the steps I'd run
I wish I could go back and undo the choices I made that led me away from my mother and her culture.

To be closer to you mama
I long to be emotionally closer to my mother and her heritage.

Closer to you ma
I just want to be closer to my mother and call her 'ma'.

You say you love me, but I've gone deaf
I find it hard to believe or listen when my mother tells me she loves me.

It's something to say when there's nothing left
I feel that her love is just a formality because our relationship has already broken down.

When all of the weight falls into my hands
When I am handed too much responsibility and burden, I feel overwhelmed.

I'll drown in the ocean, between two lands
It feels like I am drowning in confusion, feeling trapped between my mother's culture and the culture I grew up in.

I'd say goodbye but I'm out of breath
I feel too exhausted to say goodbye or break things off with my mother and her heritage.

Was I ashamed of my bloodline
I question myself if I have been ashamed of my roots and ancestry.

When the words escaped my mind
When I couldn't find the right words to express myself towards my mother and her culture.

Well now it hurts to be tongue-tied
Now it's painful and frustrating to not able to communicate with my mother in her language.

I was too young to listen
I realize now that I was too young and immature to understand the importance of my mother and her culture.

Then I built all this distance
As I grew older and drifted away, I built a huge emotional distance between myself and my mother.

But I still bleed gold and crimson
But despite all that, I still have a strong emotional attachment to my mother and her heritage.

Got no angel left on my shoulder
I have no one left in my life to guide and mentor me.

To tell me to keep pushing the boulder
There's no one to encourage me and tell me to keep pushing through difficulties.

Pushing til it rolls me over
I keep striving and pushing hard, even if it ultimately ends up breaking me.

Now I'm looking in from the outside
I feel disconnected and like an outsider looking in on my own life.

Trying to pass the blame but it's all mine
I try to shift the blame for the distance and conflict onto others, but I know it's mostly my fault.

Burning like a leaf in a wildfire
I feel like I'm getting caught up in a huge, destructive conflict or argument that is consuming me like fire.