Juggernaut
Shane Koyczan Lyrics

he would say
He would tell me

be still.
Don't make a sound or movement.

be still my boy.
Calm down, my child.

never son.
You are not my biological son.

because i wasnt.
Because I am not your biological father.

just some boy from a different dad.
Just a boy with a different father than you.

seems like the only thing we had in common was our need for therapy, but
It appears that the only thing we shared was our need for therapy, but

we never went.
We never attended therapy sessions.

we just spent quiet time together.
We just stayed quiet in each other's presence.

as if silence was expensive, but we were both fithy rich
As if silence was valuable, but we were both wealthy in it.

a question like "do you love me?"
A question like 'do you have affection for me?'

was an itch our doctors told us never to scratch.
Was an urge our doctors advised us not to address.

so we just prayed someone would catch it while rubbing us down after walking around with the weight of each others world on our shoulders
So we just hoped that someone would notice it while massaging away the burden of carrying each other's problems.

we had hearts like boulders
We had heavy hearts.

we played sysophis trying to push the others uphill
We were like Sysophis, constantly pushing each other up a hill.

but we told our hearts
But we commanded our hearts

"be still."
"Stay calm."

let no one move you.
Don't let anyone disturb you.

let no one lift you.
Don't let anyone raise you up.

let no one get through that stone wall you call skin
Don't let anyone penetrate the emotional barrier you've built.

let no one in
Don't allow anyone to enter.

because people are clumsy and they'll break you
Because people are clumsy and they will harm you.

take you apart and study you
Disassemble and analyze you.

tell the world they knew you
Claim that they understood you.

as if knowing you was enough to make them the worlds most formost expert on you
As if having knowledge of you made them the foremost authority on you.

they'll claim that everything you did or didnt do was just another complexity solved as simply as a grade two problem
They will assert that everything you did or didn't do was just a problem that could be easily solved like a second-grade math problem.

as if by age seven my only problem was math.
As if math was my sole concern at the age of seven.

as if i was never seven and more dedicated to figuring out which path was quickest to the bathroom
As if I never prioritized finding the fastest way to the bathroom when I was seven.

so the bullies wouldnt have the satisfaction of seeing me bleed on my clothes
So that the bullies wouldn't feel victorious by witnessing me bleed on my clothing.

and god know's you'd be there.
And you would be present.

inside everywhere like a nightmare i couldnt stop having.
Constantly present, like an unceasingly unsettling dream.

i'd wake up shaking with you there making it worse,
I would wake up trembling, with you exacerbating the situation,

saying "be still."
Telling me to remain motionless.

"be still my boy."
"Stay calm, my child."

never son.
Not my real son.

just someone who it seems you like.
Just someone whom you seem to be fond of.

just someone who it seems you never tried to know.
Just someone whom you never attempted to truly understand.

so somehow without moving, we'd go through the motions.
So in some way, without making any progress, we would continue to act.

two desserts daydreaming about a time when we were oceans.
Two individuals imagining a time when they were vast bodies of water.

we were still trying to make our tides come in
We were still attempting to make our influence felt.

as if we'd been throwing messages in bottles into each other
As if we had been sending messages to each other in sealed containers.

and our refusal to actually write those messages
And our choice not to write those messages

was just another way to say
Was merely another method of expressing

nothing
Nothing at all.

we'd bring stillness home like a stray dog
We would bring silence into our lives like an abandoned dog.

and teach it to play dead
And train it to mimic death.

tongues like leeches, we bled our voices dry
Our tongues, similar to leeches, drained our voices of life

while a plain dead dog would try to teach us tricks, like
While a lifeless dog would attempt to teach us skills, such as

speak.
To utter words.

but we sat silent.
But we remained quiet.

like two blind students trying to sneak a peak at their grade six teacher getting dressed
Similar to two visually impaired students endeavoring to steal a glimpse of their sixth-grade teacher dressing

but we never knew what direction to look
But we were unsure where to direct our attention

so the kids next to us always whispered
Thus, the children next to us always whispered

"eyes on your own test"
"Focus on your own work"

and i hated you.
And I despised you.

all the way up until the day you finally spoke.
Until the day you finally expressed yourself.

you said
You uttered

"there will come a time...
"A moment will arrive...

when the world will look at you without concern because you have always been still.
When the world will observe you without worry because you have consistently maintained composure.

they will look past you, you will be as unregarded as the scenery that people take for granted.
They will overlook you, neglecting you like the scenery that individuals fail to appreciate.

you will be rooted in the perception of you that they have planted in their minds...
You will be firmly established in the image they have formed of you in their thoughts...

but all the while you will grow."
But throughout, you will continue to develop."

"and after all the years you spent trying to know stillness, the whole world will turn their heads,
"And following all the years you spent attempting to understand tranquility, the entire world will turn their attention,

unable miss the moment you decide to move.
Unable to overlook the instant you choose to take action.

and there will come a time when you must move
And a moment will come when you have to act

move with the full force you would find behind the eyes of someone who could have spent their life satisfying a million desires
Move with the utmost determination, akin to someone who could have devoted their life to fulfilling countless aspirations.

but instead decided to conquer just one"
But instead opted to achieve only one."

move like a legion of natural disasters towards the monuments they have built in an attempt to declare greatness they have never earned
Move like a multitude of catastrophes toward the structures they have constructed in an endeavor to claim grandeur they have not truly achieved

move as swiftly as the knowledge learned by the students of practice.
Move with the swiftness of the knowledge acquired by individuals dedicated to their craft.

move so they cannot dismiss you.
Move in a way that they cannot disregard you.

like sunlight through stained glass
Like sunlight streaming through stained glass

not around but through each mass they would raise against you.
Not avoiding, but penetrating every obstacle they put in your path.

move because being still is something they can never make you do.
Move because refusing to act is something they can never force upon you.

move, my boy,
Move, my child,

because i love you."
Because I care for you."

and i thought
And I pondered

awesome,
Wonderful,

you totally taught me how to be stubborn,
You truly taught me how to be obstinate,

thats great.
That's fantastic.

but now that youre gone,
But now that you are no longer here,

now that quality has turned trait
That characteristic has become a flaw

i find myself caught up in an endless debate of
I find myself entangled in an ongoing debate of

where vs. when
Where versus when

as if i'm waiting for then to become now
As if I am anticipating the future to transform into the present

so that the answers to why i resemble reasons like somehows
So that the explanations for why I resemble causes like somehow

as if somehow is enougn to encompass the rough estimates i make when i decide what direction to take for the moment i break stillness
As if somehow is enough to contain the approximate calculations I make when determining which path to choose at the moment I cease being still

this heart is a juggernaught
This heart is an unstoppable force

one that you took the time to shape against all those who would hold up red tape in the path of life i choose to live thorough.
One that you meticulously formed to combat all those who would obstruct the path of the life I have chosen to live.

this is much more than my meager declaration of love.
This signifies far more than a simple indication of my love.

this is my thank you.
This is my expression of gratitude.

this is for a man who knew me well enough to know that should i ever choose to go full throttle i can set my sails like a ship breaking through the neck of a whiskety bottle.
This is dedicated to a man who understood me well enough to recognize that if I ever decided to go all-out, I could navigate through any obstacle with the same vigor as a ship bursting through the narrow neck of a bottle.

school was a boxing ring,
School felt like a boxing arena,

and the man in my corner made sure not to bring a towel to throw in.
And the man supporting me made sure not to give up on me.

ive been studying stillness
I have been extensively examining tranquility

watched my mother fight and lose to an illness that forced itself upon her as if it were the man she met after my father
Observed my mother battle and succumb to an illness that invaded her life as if it were the same as the man she encountered after divorcing my father

the same man who couldnt bother to stick around after the diagnosis.
The same man who couldn't be bothered to stay after the diagnosis.

i have known stillness.
I have experienced silence.

this is for my grand dad.
This is dedicated to my grandfather.

who had the good sense to take me to that man's house so i could ask him why he did he what he did...
Who had the wisdom to bring me to that man's house so that I could inquire about his actions...

why?
Why did he do it?

i will accept your apology,
I will acknowledge your apology,

but you better make me believe that youre sorry.
But you must convince me that you truly regret your actions.

so go ahead.
So go ahead.

move me.
Make an impact on me.

end
End.