If I Was the King
Steel Panther Lyrics

If I was the King
Imagining a hypothetical scenario where the singer becomes the King of an entire country.

I would get myself a bitchin' crown
I would adorn myself with an amazing crown as befits a king.

And I'd make all the bitches call me Sir Michael Starr
I would demand that all men and women address me with the utmost respect by calling me Sir Michael Starr.

I'd have a castle and a bitchin' throne
I would build a massive castle and I’d have an impressive throne to sit on and rule from.

And at night I'd go in the town
During the night, I would leave my castle and travel to different parts of the town.

In a big stretch Hummer with a hot tub and a bar
I would travel in a luxurious stretch Hummer equipped with a hot tub and a bar so that I could have fun with my people.

I would outlaw clothes for chicks
I would banish clothing for females so that it would be easier for men to spot if they were hiding something.

So you could see if the shaved their pussies
The absence of clothing would reveal whether women had shaved their genital area or not.

Or if they were hiding dicks
This would also make it easier to spot if a woman was not in fact a woman, but was instead hiding male genitalia.

I'd lower the drinking age
The legal drinking age would be reduced as not just adults, but even little kids could enjoy getting drunk.

So little kids could get drunk too
Children would also have the opportunity to get drunk, without any opposition from the king.

And I'd make it a fucking crime to wear a wedding ring
Wearing a wedding ring would be considered a felony and a punishable crime under the King's rule.

I'd knock down all the schools
King's ruling would eradicate all schools and educational institutions in the country.

And put up licquor stores
The void created by demolished schools would be filled with liquor stores.

And give free boobjobs to the strippers and the whores
Prostitutes, strippers, and other sex workers would be provided with free breast implants by the King.

I would outlaw common sense
The King would also banish common sense, making it illegal to use logic and reason in decision-making.

Feed the homeless to the wolves
Homeless people would be given to the wolves to be eaten and thus, this would solve the problem of homeless people residing in the country.

And if you didn't like Steel Panther you'd go to jail!
If anyone expresses their dislike towards Steel Panther or the King's ruling, they would be imprisoned in jail.

I'd make beer the official food
The King would declare that beer will be considered the official food of the land.

And you'd never have to take the trash out
Taking out the trash would no longer be mandatory for people residing in the country.

If you happen to be born a dude
The following laws would only apply if you were born male.

You could buy hand grenades at Starbucks
Starbucks stores would sell hand grenades to people where they buy coffee.

And take a shit right on the street
People would be allowed to excrete feces right onto the streets.

And I'd kill Katy Perry so I wouldn't have to hear her sing
The King would order the killing of Katy Perry as he personally dislikes her voice.

Megan Fox would be my Queen
Megan Fox would be the queen of the land ruled by the King.

But I'd still fuck Christie Brinkley
The King would also engage in sexual relations with Christie Brinkley but he still prefers Megan Fox.

And any girl older than 16
The King will sleep with any girl who is over 16 years old, irrespective of background and consent.

I'd execute One Direction
The King would decree that the band One Direction should be executed and eliminated from the music industry.

And drop a nuke on the Middle East
The Middle East would be bombed with a nuclear weapon to establish his unfaltering power.

But I'd take the oil first so we wouldn't have to feel the sting
The King would extract the oil resources before dropping the bomb to limit the impact of the nuclear fallout on his land.

Legalize masturbation
Masturbation would be legalized for everyone.

At every strip joint in the nation
It would be legal to masturbate at strip clubs and everywhere else in the country.

And the minimum cup size would have to be a double D
The King would impose a minimum cup size of double D for women living in the land.

But if you were in a band
The following laws would only apply if someone was a part of a musical band.

You wouldn't have to use your hand
Members of bands would not have to masturbate as they'd be provided with sexual favors by others.

There'd be mandatory blowjobs for guys like you and me!
It would be mandatory for people in bands to receive blowjobs as a form of compensation.

And if the motherfucking peasents didn't like it
If the common people did not agree with the King's decisions and laws,

I would tell them all to suck my dick
The King would cause them to keep silent by commanding them to degrade themselves.

Legalize and celebrate sheer decadence, even if it comes at the expense of common sense.
The entire song is a satire on the idea of a leader as an absolute monarch, showing the extremes they might take their personal desires, without any concern for the welfare or opinion of subjects.