T.J. Miller
T.J. Miller Lyrics

I'm like Pepsi, I'm always second best
I always come in second

Like Melissa Etheridge, I'm usually in a vest
I typically wear a vest

I'm like Home Depot, if I can't flow
If I can't rap well

There's Hispanics out front, ready to go
People are always waiting outside the Home Depot to work construction jobs

I'm like Southwest, you're free to move around
I'm not tied down to one place

But the only place I'm goin' is D-Town
But I'm only going to Dallas

I'm like Mr. Clean, I appear out of nowhere
I seem to come out of nowhere, like Mr. Clean

Jeffrey Tambor, downtown, subtle, no hair
I'm like Jeffrey Tambor - subtle and bald

I'm like FEMA, I always come late
I come too late, like FEMA did during Hurricane Katrina

I'm like Puerto Rico, I'm not really a state
I'm like Puerto Rico, not really in the mainstream

I'm like Donald Duck, you can't understand a word
I'm hard to understand

I'm dangerous and friendly to kids, call me Notorious B.I.G Bird
I'm like the Notorious B.I.G. and I'm both dangerous and friendly to kids and basically an enigma

I'm like Maury Povich, I make a living off exploitation
I make a living off of exploiting people

I'm like Cubans, sometimes I mix myself up with Haitians
I sometimes confuse myself with other cultures, like Cubans and Haitians

I'm like Sarah Palin, I'm the scum of the Earth
I'm terrible, like Sarah Palin

I'm like Jaden Smith, I was set since birth
I was born with advantages, like Jaden Smith

I'm like my mom's friend, Allison Galansky
I'm like my mom's friend, Allison Galansky

When I have dinner parties, I don't invite me
I don't even invite myself to dinner parties

I'm like Dave Matthews, my fans are all tools
My fans are all lame tools, like Dave Matthews'

I'm like cricket y'all, I don't quite understand the rules
I don't understand cricket, like most Americans

I'm like an overweight advice columnist/hunter-director of photography
I'm like an overweight advice columnist and director of photography

It was a documentary, it actually won Best Picture
The 'Dear Flabby' documentary won Best Picture

at Thundance and South By Northeast.
It won at Thundance and South By Northeast Festival

We submitted to Cannies, but it didn't take.
We submitted it to Cannies, but it wasn't accepted

I'm like a claw-machine, you usually don't win
I'm like a claw-machine, you usually don't get anything out of me

I'm like that all that's evil and not real, you can call me sin
I'm like sin, evil but not real

I'm like a clown without makeup, still kinda scary
I'm a little scary, even without clown makeup

I'm like a Scrabble dictionary
I'm like a Scrabble dictionary, mostly useless but with a great vocabulary

I'm confusing, like when a girl named "Mary" gets married
I'm confusing, like when a girl named Mary gets married and changes her name

I'm like Gary Coleman, it didn't end up so great
I'm like Gary Coleman, things didn't go so well for me

I'm like pornography, I use me to masturbate
I'm like porn, I use myself for my own pleasure

Flight attendant to ya phone, I'll get ya turned off
I'm like a flight attendant, I'll turn your phone off

I'm like a creepy doctor, don't turn your head when you cough
I'm like a creepy doctor, don't look away when you cough

I'm like a butterface, 'cause I have margarine on my face
I'm like a "butterface", because I have margarine on my face

I'm like china in a bull shop, I'm still outta place
I'm like China, out of place in a bull shop or in this context, in the world

I'm like cryogenics, no one really knows exactly what I am
I'm like cryogenics, no one quite knows what to make of me

or if it extends one's own life; it's probably just science fiction
It's probably just science fiction that cryogenics can help one's life span

to help people stave off their fear of mortality you know?
People use cryogenics to cope with their fear of death

I'm like that
I'm like cryogenics

I'm like Krevin Harbutton, no one's ever heard of me
No one has ever heard of me, like they haven't heard of Krevin Harbutton

I'm an annoying phenomenon, I'm like 'Glee'
I'm an annoying phenomenon, like the show 'Glee'

I'm like L.A. 'cause I take my time to crush your soul
I'm like Los Angeles, slowly crushing your soul

I'm like New York City, I'm already full
I'm like New York City, I'm already at full capacity

I'm like Richard Nixon, except I'm a crook
I'm a crook, like Richard Nixon

Like a blind person with audiotapes, I don't do it by the book!
I don't do things by the book

I'm like King Kong, 'cause I sweat a lot
I sweat a lot, like King Kong probably did

I mean nobody ever talks about it, but he probably sweats a lot
No one has ever talked about it, but he probably sweats a lot

I'm like Q-tip, I didn't make it fuckin' rhyme for real
I didn't make it rhyme

But yo technically, I'm not made of steel
I don't have any physical endurance or power, like steel

I'm mostly water
I'm mostly made up of water

(Did you know the human body is close to 97% water?)
Humans are mostly made up of water

(I mean, it's like.. entirely water.)
The human body is mostly made up of water, to the point of being entirely water

I'm like Cali Swag, I'm a one hit wonder
I'm a one-hit wonder, like Cali Swag

I'm like a cold hit without mass appeal, I'm 'Six Feet Under'
I'm like the TV show 'Six Feet Under', not interesting to a lot of people

I'm like glasses, since July I've been out of fashion
I've been out of fashion since July, like glasses

I'm the cultural elite, I'm the last intellectual bastion
I'm the last intellectual stronghold for the elite

I'm like Elvis Presley, 'cause I stole that shit
I stole it, like Elvis Presley did with a lot of his music

I'm like Charlie Parker, 'cause I'm that 'Bird' shit
I'm like Charlie Parker, I'm the type of guy that would do something crazy like that

Yo, riffin's in my blood, and it's not about to clot
I'm good at improvising, and I'm not going to stop anytime soon

Improvise like the Sun, all important and fuckin' hot
I improvise like the Sun, which is important and hot

I'm like a flasher in the cold, I always wear two coats
I always want to be prepared, like wearing two coats on a cold day

I'm like Angela Lansbury, I wrote 'Murder She Wrote'
I'm like Angela Lansbury, I wrote a famous show

I'm like Mrs. Doubtfire, I look good in a wig
I look good in a wig, like Mrs. Doubtfire

I'm like that farmer from 'Babe', That'll do pig
I'm content with the way things are, like the farmer from 'Babe'

That-that'll do pig, that'll do pig [repeated]
I'm happy with the basic things in life, like 'Babe'

Oh boys, oh-oh, oh boys. Oh boys (boys)
This is an interjection, like saying 'oh boy!'

Black people.
This is a non-sequitur, not related to anything else in the song