FINAL FANTASY
The Adventures of Duane and BrandO Lyrics

Once upon a time in the land of Melmond, the splendor of vegetation decayed. (C'mon.)
In the once beautiful land of Melmond, the lush and vibrant vegetation has deteriorated.

It was prophecised that four stunnin' Light Warriors would come and save the day. (What what what.)
According to a prophecy, four remarkable Light Warriors would emerge to rescue and bring salvation.

Arrivin' in Corneria, in the midst of their deliria, four motherfuckers emerged! (Hell yeah.)
As they arrived in Corneria, amidst their excitement and enthusiasm, four strong individuals revealed themselves.

To teach a valued lesson. Bet you'll count your blessin's at the beating that's about to occur. (Here we go.)
Their presence is meant to impart an important lesson, and their opponents will soon regret their actions.

I am the fighter. (Name's [Dune]!)
I proudly assume the role of the fighter, and my name is [Dune].

I'm the leader of the gang.
I take charge and lead the group with authority.

Can't use any magic but I'm critically acclaimed.
Although I lack magical abilities, I am highly respected for my combat prowess.

Introducin' the Red Mage, the jack of all trades.
Allow me to present the versatile Red Mage, skilled in various disciplines.

Both magic, crazy tactics, leavin' 'em all in their graves!
With proficiency in magic and unpredictable strategies, they will overpower their foes.

Then there's the Black Belt and the Black Mage.
We also have the Black Belt and the Black Mage in our ranks.

Clumsy with their hittin', but fixin' to put a hurtin' on all of you fuckin' bitches.
Although they may lack finesse in their attacks, they are determined to inflict severe damage on their adversaries.

Don't forget after this, we gotta stop at the shop.
Once this battle is over, it is important to visit the shop for necessary supplies.

I ain't doin' much damage with this rock in a sock!
Unfortunately, my current weapon, a rock in a sock, does not inflict significant damage.

I am the Red Mage, pimpin' a feather in my hat.
My name is [JoJo], and as the Red Mage, I proudly wear a feather in my hat.

The name's [JoJo], need somethin'? Yeah I got that.
You may address me as [JoJo], and if you require anything, I surely possess it.

Watch your step, 'cause I stand where you fall.
Beware of your movements, as I am ready to take your place should you stumble.

Eloquent abilities and that's not all.
Apart from my exceptional skills, I possess eloquence and other impressive qualities.

Ostentatiously fashionable. What's my name, bitch?
I am known for my flamboyant sense of fashion. Do you need a reminder of my name?

Light you on fire, and then I'll heal your shit.
I have the power to set you ablaze before mending your injuries.

Just to burn you again and then I'll cut you in two.
To further torment you, I will subject you to another round of flames before ultimately severing you into halves.

It takes three men just to do what I do!
The combined efforts of three individuals are required to match my capabilities.

And that's my cue.
This is the signal for me to take action.

Pointy hat, coat of blue.
I am easily recognizable by my pointed hat and blue attire.

Burnin' bright yellow eyes, and I do what I do.
With my fiery yellow eyes, I execute my duties and follow my purpose.

'Cause I learned the dark arts from another time and age, bow down to me bitches 'cause I'm the Black Mage.
Having acquired knowledge of dark magic from a different era, I demand respect and submission as the Black Mage.

I got my wizard hat on and I'm lookin' somethin' vicious.
Wearing my distinctive wizard hat, I exude a menacing aura.

All the ladies call me 'Lucky' 'cause I'm magically delicious.
Due to my enchanting nature, I am often referred to as 'Lucky' by the female admirers.

Four spaces for a name? Bitch, I only need three.
Although names typically require four spaces, I possess a name that only requires three, highlighting my uniqueness.

[L-E-O] sign me up for the Final Fantasy!
Please enroll me, [L-E-O], in the enthralling world of Final Fantasy!

I've just heard a legend as a prophecy.(uh huh)
Recently, I became aware of a legendary prophecy.

That four strapping young lads would come and see me.(really?)
It was foretold that four strong and courageous individuals would seek an audience with me.

And all my majesty and save the Princess, see.
They are destined to use their impressive abilities to rescue the Princess and protect my royal status.

And put a damn stop to the Elemental Fiends!
Additionally, their purpose is to eliminate the menacing Elemental Fiends.

The good knight Garland -until recently-, (NO!)
Until recently, the honorable knight Garland was considered virtuous and just.

broke in and stole the fucking Princess from me!
However, he betrayed me and abducted the Princess!

Don't worry 'bout it sir we're gonna take Garland down.
Sir, please do not concern yourself. We are determined to defeat Garland.

But we're gonna need some weapons, 'fore we go into town.
Before embarking on our mission, we must acquire suitable weapons from a nearby town.

Oh great we're at the town shop.
Wonderful, we have arrived at the shop in town.

Black Mages can't equip shit so, I'll wait outside...
Unfortunately, Black Mages are unable to use any equipment, so I will remain outside.

"Yay Leo".
Hooray for Leo!

Just take your time...
Please proceed at your own pace without rushing.

Yeah, get out of here Corey Feldman!
Corey Feldman, please leave this place immediately!

I guess I'll go buy some spells (and I'll find them all well!) find something else to do with my time.
Since I cannot purchase any equipment, I will explore other options, such as acquiring new spells.

That's fine!
No problem at all!

Quit with the bitchin' get back in the kitchen.
Enough complaining, please return to the kitchen.

Goin' on our way to the Temple of Fiends.
We are currently en route to the menacing Temple of Fiends.

Damned Imp better stay the hell away from me.
I hope that annoying Imp keeps a safe distance from me.

Yo Spud hit 'em with your nunchakus, G.
Hey Spud, use your nunchakus to strike them swiftly!

See if we can go and gain some gold and EXP.
Let's investigate if we can earn more gold and experience points from battles.

These wolves won't stop comin' after me!
These relentless wolves refuse to cease their pursuit of me!

But ain't nothin' compared to these spiders, see!
However, these spiders pose an even greater threat!

With you here JoJo, to cast [Ruse] on me, nothin's stoppin' us from buildin' up the GP!
Fortunately, with JoJo present to cast the spell [Ruse] on me, we can accumulate gold without any hindrance!

Damn Leo why you keep gettin' hit?
Leo, why do you constantly find yourself getting hit?

You're bringin' the team down, I'm sick of this shit!
Your poor performance is adversely affecting the team, and I am becoming increasingly frustrated!

You're a mediocre mage and you're trippin' JoJo.
JoJo, you are an average mage and your shortcomings are becoming apparent.

I think it's time for you to get your ass in the back row.
It is imperative for you to move to the back row and reduce your vulnerability.

Once we get to the temple, you'd better up your energy.
Once we arrive at the temple, you must increase your stamina and focus.

Now everybody armor up and get behind me.
Please equip your armor and position yourself behind me for protection.

Surrender the princess or we're takin' ya down.
Relinquish the princess peacefully, or else we will forcefully subdue you.

We're gonna run your ass up out of town. C'mon!
We will drive you out of town in a humiliating manner. Let's go!

Your defense is weak.
Your defensive capabilities are lacking.

Fought imps tougher than you.
I have faced stronger foes than you, mere imps.

Good knight turned bad knight?
Have you, a previously honorable knight, turned to darkness?

Good night for you.
Regardless, this will be your final encounter.

Surrender the Princess or surrender your life.
Either release the Princess or prepare to face your demise.

I'm light speeds ahead of you, now bleed on my knife!
I surpass you in every aspect, and now it's time for you to suffer the consequences!

That was a critical hit!
I inflicted a devastating blow with that attack!

Critics are thumbin' in awe.
Even the harshest critics are in disbelief of my exceptional abilities.

Garland you look like shit, go home and cry to your 'Ma.
Garland, you appear disheveled and defeated. Return home and seek solace from your mother.

Who do you think you are boy, the Light Warriors?
Do you believe yourself to be on the same level as the esteemed Light Warriors?

Don't make me laugh, although you ARE glorious.
Your claim is laughable, despite your impressive appearance.

How do you get your hair to match your armor so well?
I am curious as to how you achieve such perfect coordination between your hair and armor.

I bet your manicurist has a DOZEN stories to tell.
I am certain your manicurist has numerous fascinating stories to share.

Stand aside boy. I'll make a mockery of you!
Move aside, boy. I will humiliate you in a comical manner!

Well you'll be pushin' up roses 'fore the time that I'm through.
By the time I'm done with you, you'll be buried under a bed of roses.

You done it now, shut your mouth, look what you made me do!
Your actions have provoked me, and now you must face the consequences!

You can't keep up with me you fuckin' slow ass punk.
You are incapable of matching my speed, you sluggish fool.

Your little knife ain't gonna stop my powerful nunchakus.
Your puny knife is no match for my formidable nunchakus.

Once you were the best knight in the kingdom.
You were once esteemed as the finest knight in the entire kingdom.

Now you're nothin' but a fuckin' crumb bum, chum! (Yeah!)
But now you have descended into insignificance, you worthless individual! (Yeah!)

I bite my thumb at you bitch!
I rudely gesture at you in defiance, bitch!

HOW DARE YOU?!
How dare you act in such a manner?!

I'm back in this part just to fix up my glitch.
I have returned to address the issues and errors in this section.

Is that all you've got, you vexatious queef?
Is that the extent of your capabilities, you irritating and insignificant person?

I'll knock you down, I'll make you wish you would've chosen Thief.
I will strike you down and make you regret not choosing the Thief class.

Your nunchaku are as deadly -if not more so- than you.
Your nunchakus are just as, if not more, lethal than you are.

And that isn't saying much, but it's true!
However, that is not a significant accomplishment, but it remains true.

You were just lucky when you landed that blow.
Your success in landing that blow was merely a stroke of luck.

For sho'!
Without a doubt!

But mine won't even show with my back up, bro.
However, my attack will be indistinguishable when supported by my ally.

So back up, bro!
Therefore, move aside, my friend!

Your back up?
You have someone supporting you?

Yes.
Indeed.

Oh no!
Oh dear!

You think you've won, but your story has only begun.
You may believe you have emerged victorious, but your journey is just beginning.

I summon four ferocious Fiends from beyond the Sun.
I conjure four savage Fiends from a realm beyond the Sun.

Well God damn you and your fuckin' shit I'm goin' home!
Damn you and your despicable actions. I am leaving!

No!
Absolutely not!

Shit, there better have been pizza 2,000 years ago.
Oh no, I hope there was pizza available 2,000 years ago.

Yeah you ASSHOLE!
Yes, you insensitive individual!

Thank you all, you fuckin' saved me.
I express my gratitude to all of you. You saved me, fuckin' heroes.

Without you four people I don't know where I'd be!
I truly owe my well-being to the four of you. I cannot imagine where I would be without you.

Now saddle up fellas, and get inside of me.
Now, my friends, prepare yourselves as we embark on a new adventure together.

That's one hell of a way to increase your HP!
Indeed, this is a remarkable method to increase one's health points.

Now let's go see the King I hear he built us a bridge.
It is time to visit the King, who I have heard has constructed a bridge for us.

We can go to the town where all the pirates live.
With the bridge at our disposal, we can journey to the town populated by pirates.

Muscle up some scallywags, and get us a boat, so we can sail the seas and punch fish in the throat.
Recruit some strong and rugged individuals to join us, and acquire a boat so that we can navigate the seas and engage in unusual combat methods, such as punching fish in their throats.

Three sheets to the wind and I'll show ya the ropes.
Once slightly intoxicated, I will demonstrate the necessary skills and techniques.

I'm Bikke the pirate, I'll put a hook in your throat.
I am Bikke, the menacing pirate, and I possess the ability to harm you with my hooked hand.

Yo Bikke check it out I'm gonna slaughter your crew.
Hey Bikke, observe as I annihilate your crew completely.

Now gimme your ship.
Now surrender your ship to me.

Who's next?
Which one of you will challenge me next?

Or I'mma do it to you!
Otherwise, I will inflict the same fate upon you!

It's already been five minutes since we started this song.
It's astonishing how much time has passed since we began performing this song.

That's four Ninja Gaiden songs way too long.
This song has extended for an excessive duration, equivalent to the length of four Ninja Gaiden songs.

Yarr! You killed me mates, they're a pain in me bum.
Arr! You have slain my comrades, who were a source of annoyance for me.

You can take me ship but I'm keepin' me rum.
You may have my ship, but I will not part with my precious rum.

My name is Matoya and I got me some herb.
I am Matoya, and I possess a stash of herbal substances.

If you find my crystal I can hook you up. Word!
If you happen upon my crystal, I can provide you with some of these substances. Trust me!

Is it just me... or are my broomsticks talkin'?
Is it possible that I am hallucinating, or are my broomsticks speaking to me?

Crazy backwards words like 'Christopher Walken'?
Are they uttering nonsensical and incomprehensible phrases, akin to the enigmatic actor Christopher Walken?

Let me take another toke and hope you find my shit.
Allow me to have another puff of my herbal substance, and I hope that you locate my valuable possessions.

'Cause if you don't you won't be gettin' no herb, legit?
However, if you fail to find my lost belongings, you will not receive any of this herb, is that understood?

Shit, break out the Cheez Whiz we gonna have a party.
Oh no, let us bring out the Cheez Whiz and celebrate. It's time to party!

We'll find that fuckin' crystal and I'll break out the Bacardi.
Rest assured, we will locate that coveted crystal, and then we can enjoy some Bacardi together.

Ya got a sexy voice, call me up some time.
I must say, your voice is rather alluring. Feel free to contact me at any time.

...Or we'll be back with the crystal if you change your mind.
Alternatively, we will return with the crystal if you alter your decision.

(Destroy all of them Kill them one by one Tear them into shreds This will be so fun)
(Our objective is to obliterate each and every one of them. We will eliminate them individually. Ripping them apart into tiny pieces will bring us immense joy.)

I rescued the Princess, and, leveled up my crew.
Not only did I successfully save the Princess, but I also significantly enhanced the skills of my companions.

Bitch I done evened out the odds, now I'm comin' after you.
I have skillfully balanced the odds, and now I am relentlessly pursuing you.

I got my mind on the prize, I'm takin' what's mine.
I am fully focused on achieving my goal, and I am determined to claim what rightfully belongs to me.

Tell Doc Brown to get the DeLorean.
Please relay the message to Doc Brown to retrieve the DeLorean time machine.

We's goin' back in time, bitch.
Together, we will journey back in time, my friend.

(Garland is no more Chaos reigns supreme So you want some more Check out my four fiends)
(Garland has met his demise Chaos now dominates If you desire further confrontation Prepare to face my four formidable fiends)

Destroyed Lich with fire, and Kary with might.
I vanquished Lich using fire, and Kary fell before my immense power.

Sockin' Kraken blockin' knockin' as we nuke Tiamat tonight.
We strategically attacked Kraken, successfully defended against its assaults, and ultimately defeated it. We will now obliterate Tiamat with a powerful attack.

Ya na na na.
You cannot defeat us!

I got the crystals time to go back to the past.
I now possess the crystals, and it is time to return to the past.

As I put this motherfuckin' sword in Chaos' ass!
By thrusting my sword into Chaos' rear end, I will ensure his defeat.

Those fools are on their way they'll RUE the day they came my way.
Those fools are on their journey and will deeply regret ever crossing my path.

I'm CHAOS... In the flesh.
I am CHAOS personified.

The Fiends compare to fleas compared to me.
In comparison to me, the Fiends are as insignificant as fleas.

It's GREAT to be pure CHAOS.
I take great pleasure in being the embodiment of pure CHAOS.

I laid Erdrick to rest.
I was successful in defeating and eradicating Erdrick.

And one by one you'll die by my hand.
Individually, each of you will meet your demise at my hands.

Oh look what I've become...
How I have transformed into this...

This fantasy is far from final... the worst is yet to come.
This fantastical journey is far from its conclusion... the worst is yet to unfold.

Rescued the Princess and captured the ship.
We successfully saved the Princess and gained control of the ship.

We got the Mystic Key from Elven Prince.
We obtained the valuable Mystic Key from the Elven Prince.

Defeated Lich, Kary, Kraken and Tiamat with a chortle.
We effortlessly triumphed over Lich, Kary, Kraken, and Tiamat, finding amusement in their feeble attempts at resistance.

Orb of Earth, Fire, Water, Air, opened the portal!
Once we gathered the Orbs of Earth, Fire, Water, and Air, we were able to access the portal!

Went back 2,000 years to the Temple of Fiends.
By traveling back 2,000 years, we arrived at the Temple of Fiends.

Now we're four Light Warriors hauntin' your dreams!
We have transformed into four formidable Light Warriors who will haunt your nightmares!

You're goin' down Chaos, you shouldn't fuck with my crew.
Your defeat is imminent, Chaos, and you should never have challenged my exceptional crew.

Or Leo, JoJo, Spud and I are gonna show you how we do.
Together, Leo, JoJo, Spud, and I will demonstrate our unparalleled abilities and defeat you.

YOU MOTHERFUCKER, we've beat you before and we'll do it again.
You despicable individual, we have already defeated you in the past, and we will do so again.

Every time you fuckin' rise until this fantasy ends.
Each time you resurface, we will strike you down until this fantastical journey reaches its conclusion.

You'd better stay on your guard, 'cause when I strike you're gonna feel it!
Remain vigilant, as when I execute my attack, you will certainly feel the impact!

You fuckin' piece of shit, you're goin' down bitch.
You detestable individual, you will be defeated, you worthless person.

I MEAN IT.
I truly mean what I say.

Chaos I got a prob'm witcho muh-fuckin' ass.
Chaos, I have a significant issue with your behavior.

That's why I captured the Crystals and came back to the past.
For this reason, I took hold of the Crystals and traveled back in time.

Battled many foes on my way to you, and I won't think twice about destroyin' you, too.
I encountered numerous adversaries on my journey to reach you, and I will not hesitate to vanquish you as well.

IIII won't be so forgiving this time around. (Say WHAT?!)
This time, I will not show mercy. (Say WHAT?!)

IIII will put you in the ground! (Hahahahaha...)
I will bury you beneath the earth's surface! (Hahahahaha...)

You can't stop me now, I'm more powerful than you.
You are powerless to hinder me now, as I possess greater strength than you do.

You puny half-wit, I'll hit you with my dick!
You feeble-minded fool, I will strike you with my male genitalia!

Chaos reigns upon you and you question yourself.
I unleash chaos upon you, causing you to doubt your abilities.

You find that messing with the best is never good for your health. HAHA.
You discover that engaging with someone of my caliber is detrimental to your well-being. HAHA.

Bitch you'd better go home, and cry to your mom. (Your mom!)
You would be wise to retreat and seek solace from your mother. (Your mom!)

'Cause I've been fuckin' practicin' and takin' my time. (My time!)
I have diligently practiced and devoted significant time to hone my skills. (My time!)

You're good, but you're no Sephiroth.
I must acknowledge your skill, but you are still inferior to Sephiroth.

You're startin' to piss me off right now...
At this moment, you are genuinely irritating me...

Right nowoww...
At this very instant...

Right now...
Immediately...

Right nowoww...
Without further delay...

I'm gonna fuckin' kick you in your stupid fuckin' face!
I will forcefully deliver a powerful kick to your foolish and detestable face!

Your defense is weak.
Your defensive capabilities are feeble.

Fought Imps tougher than you.
I have engaged in battles against far more challenging imps than you.

Good knight turned bad knight?
A once virtuous knight has now become corrupt?

Good night for you.
This will be your final encounter.

I got so much HP you can call me Terminator.
My health points are abundant, similar to the seemingly indestructible Terminator.

'Cause these motherfuckin' muscles are buffer than Schwarzenegger's.
My muscles are incredibly well-developed, surpassing even Schwarzenegger's physique.

Take a tip from my crew bitch, it's time to bow out!
It would be wise for you to heed the advice of my crew and surrender!

After that we'll have a motherfuckin' night on the town.
Following your defeat, we will celebrate with an exuberant night out in the town.

'Cause it's a random battle system and you're ass gonn' be hurtin'.
As it is a random battle system, you will inevitably face numerous painful encounters.

And I'll be bustin' out my tricks, like my name was Lance Burton.
I will impressively showcase my skills, indulging in various tricks similar to the renowned magician Lance Burton.

8-bit motherfuckers and we're fully equipped with swords, and staves and knives, all kinds of magical shit.
Despite our pixelated appearance, we are fully armed with swords, staves, knives, and various magical artifacts.

Let's go!
It is time to proceed!

How can this be happening?! This can't be true!
I am in disbelief! This cannot be happening!

Well I'mma kick you in your motherfuckin' face, you're through.
Well, I intend to forcefully strike you in your detestable face, signifying your defeat.

You done it now, shut your mouth look what you made me do!
Your actions have led me to this point. Now close your mouth and witness the consequences of your behavior!

I got a thousand volts of lightning runnin' through my veins.
A surge of immense electrical power courses through my veins.

Three foot of steel in my hand, and its flavor is pain.
I grasp a three-foot-long steel weapon, and it inflicts a taste of excruciating pain.

You been playin' with fire, now you're gonna get burned.
By toying with danger and provoking me, you are about to suffer the consequences.

You're in over your head, another lesson to be learned.
You have unintentionally involved yourself in a situation far beyond your capabilities, providing yet another important lesson to be learned.

I'm gonna run you through, you're gonna pay for your crime, FUCKER!
I will impale you with my weapon, and you will face the consequences of your wrongdoing, you despicable individual!

I just cast HASTE and now you're runnin' out of time.
By utilizing the spell HASTE, I have accelerated time, and now you are running out of it.

They call me Chaos for a reason, boy, don't be ridiculous.
There is a purpose behind the name Chaos, and you would be wise not to dismiss it, youngster.

As of late I've found that time itself is rather meticulous.
Recently, I have come to realize that time is quite meticulous in its nature.

I am IMMORTAL, I have inside me blood of KINGS!
I possess immortality and carry within me the noble heritage of royalty!

You and your friends will die here and I'll destroy everything.
You and your companions will perish in this place, and I will obliterate everything.

We are the LIGHT WARRIORS bitch, you heard what I said.
We are the formidable and valiant Light Warriors, my friend. Take heed of my words.

We're gonna end this paradox, you're only strong in your head!
We are determined to conclude this paradox, as your strength solely exists within your delusions.

You may think you're safe in this time loop... but now you're DEAD.
You may have believed yourself to be secure within this time loop, but now your demise is imminent.