House
The Customers Lyrics

My band of soaks, my den of dissolute's
My group of habitual drinkers, my place for those who indulge in immoral behavior

My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts
My vulgar humor, my customers who are always drunk

My sons of whores spend their lives in my inn
My customers who are prostitutes' children live their lives in my inn

Homing pigeons homing in
Customers coming back to the inn

They fly through my doors,
The customers come into the inn quickly

And they crawl out on all fours
Customers leave the inn while heavily drunk or hungover

Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down
Welcome, Sir, please sit down

And meet the best innkeeper in town
Meet the innkeeper who is the best in the town

As for the rest, all of 'em crooks
All the other innkeepers in the town are dishonest

Rooking their guests and crooking the books
Cheating and deceiving their customers and falsifying their records

Seldom do you see
It's rare to see

Honest men like me
Men who are honest like me are rare

A gent of good intent
A man with good intentions

Who's content to be
Who is happy being

Master of the house, doling out the charm
Innkeeper who is generous with pleasing manners

Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Always ready to greet and assist customers

Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
Tells a slightly risqué story that causes some excitement

Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Customers enjoy a person who enjoys good food and wine

Glad to do a friend a favor
Happy to help a friend

Doesn't cost me to be nice
Being polite and friendly doesn't cost anything

But nothing gets you nothing
If you want something, you must pay for it

Everything has got a little price
Everything has its cost

Master of the house, keeper of the zoo
Innkeeper who controls everything that happens in the inn

Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
Ready to take a small fee from customers

Watering the wine, making up the weight
Diluting the wine with water, adding something extra to make up for the portion he stole

Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
Stealing customers' belongings when they are drunk and can't see clearly

Everybody loves a landlord
Everyone loves an innkeeper

Everybody's bosom friend
Everyone is a close friend of an innkeeper

I do whatever pleases
I do what makes me happy

Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!
I will surely take all their money in the end

Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye
Innkeeper who easily captures your attention

Never wants a passerby to pass him by
Wants everyone to notice him and stop by the inn

Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Serves the poor and wealthy equally

Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
Offers comfort, is a philosopher, and a lifelong friend

Everybody's boon companion
Everyone's close friend

Everybody's chaperone
Everyone's guide and protector

But lock up your valises
But always keep your belongings locked up

Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!
I will surely swindle everything you have

Food beyond compare. Food beyond belief
Food that is unmatched and hard to believe

Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Mixes the poor-quality meat with other ingredients to create an illusion that it is good beef

Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat
Uses undesirable animal parts like horse kidneys and cat liver in preparing food

Filling up the sausages with this and that
Uses any ingredient to fill the sausages

Residents are more than welcome
The inn is happy to have long-term guests

Bridal suite is occupied
The inn's honeymoon suite is currently taken

Reasonable charges
Fair prices

Plus some little extras on the side!
In addition to the main charge, adds extra fees on the side

(Oh Santa!)
(Expression of shock)

Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice
Charging customers for the normal and unexpected costs

Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
Charging for looking in the mirror again after doing it once

Here a little slice, there a little cut
Charging for more minor things

Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
Charging a fee for having a closed window

When it comes to fixing prices
When it comes to setting prices

There are a lot of tricks I knows
There are many tactics I know

How it all increases, all them bits and pieces
All the minor costs add up and cause the total amount to increase

Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!
It's surprising how the costs can increase so quickly

(Oh, sorry love
(Sincere apology)

Let's get something done about that)
(Offer to fix something)

I used to dream that I would meet a prince
I used to dream that I would marry a prince

But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
But have you seen how my life has turned out?

Master of the house? Isn't worth my spit!
The innkeeper isn't worth my dislike

Comforter, philosopher' and lifelong shit!
An innkeeper who doesn't offer real comfort or philosophy

Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
A clever brains like Voltaire

Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
Thinks he's a great lover, but he's not

What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse
It's unfortunate that I ended up with such a terrible spouse

God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!
I don't know how I've managed to live with this terrible person as my husband

Master of the house!
Innkeeper!

Master and a half!
The greatest of innkeepers!

Comforter, philosopher
One who offers comfort and philosophy

Don't make me laugh!
That's not even worth laughing at!

Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Serving both the poor and the rich

Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!
An insincere flatterer who is constantly drunk

Everybody bless the landlord!
Everyone praise the innkeeper!

Everybody bless his spouse!
Everyone bless the innkeeper's wife!

Everybody raise a glass
Everyone cheers

Raise it up the master's arse
Cheers! (Coarse expression)

Everybody raise a glass to the Master of the House!
Everyone cheers to the innkeeper!