Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present
The Jazz Butcher Lyrics

Let's go, let's go... One, Two, Three, Four....
The song begins with the band getting ready to play

ESTER!
The lead singer is excited and calls out for someone named Ester

Burke and Hare!
The songwriter references infamous grave robbers Burke and Hare

ESTER, I'm coming for you, ESTER, ESTER.
The singer continues to call out for Ester

SAUSAGES! SAUSAGES! ESTER! ESTER! SAUSAGES!
The singer becomes distracted and starts shouting about sausages

We're gonna tell you something really big (ESTER!)
The singer promises to reveal something important

Like the Alice Cooper Group.
The band plans to share something on par with the famous American band

ESTER! Alice Cooper, baby! Alice Cooper!
The singer references Alice Cooper again, this time yelling for Ester to pay attention

Uh-uhrrrmm... Like the Alice Cooper Group.
The band reminds themselves to live up to their promise to share something big

Do you wanna touch me? DEAD BABIES!
The songwriter inserts a morbid and creepy line into the song

See, there's been some big, big things, and some are bigger than others,
The singer reflects on the various big things in the world, acknowledging that some are more important than others

And when one might get up and go out of the room, he gets replaced with another.
As one issue fades away, another takes its place

Now some of these are monsters, the kind that live in the lakes (WHEURRRR!)
The singer describes some of the big things as monsters, complete with a sound effect

And other kinds are like Metal Men, and other kinds are BIG SNAKES.
Other big things are described as like Metal Men or Big Snakes

But they don't look like nothing, they don't look like nothing at all.
Despite their size, the big things don't necessarily stand out

They don't look like nothing when you put them up against Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present.
However, when compared to Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present, they seem small

That's: CAROLINE WHEELER'S BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
The singer reminds the listener what they're talking about

Did ya get that, Joe? (CRAZY!) ESTER, I'M WAITING...
The songwriter addresses someone named Joe and calls out for Ester again

Ner! Ner! Ner!
The song transitions to a more chaotic sound

SAUSAGES! Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present was made entirely from the skins of dead Jim Morrisons (Scattered over dawn's bleeding highway, I suppose...): that's why it smelled so bad.
The singer continues to reference sausages before revealing the gross origin of Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present

Caroline Wheeler checked into the lobby of the Bruce Grobelaar Leisure Centre
The focus shifts to Caroline Wheeler and her visit to the leisure center

( Liverpool and Zimbabwe goalkeeper of the 1980's )
The songwriter makes a random reference to a soccer player

(they check in, but they don't check out) - she was looking for a room where she could sit down and get herself back in order (ORDER!)...
The songwriter makes a veiled reference to the horror movie The Shining

SHEESH!, thought Caroline, What the HELL was that? (Edgar Wallace!)
Caroline is startled and curses before referencing crime novelist Edgar Wallace

So she goes to the elevator, she thinks "Well, that'll be pretty straightforward" (Yes, STRAIGHT UP, Caroline...) You know what she finds?
Caroline heads to the elevator thinking it will be a simple experience

The elevator breaks down with Caroline and the fish in it.
However, things quickly go wrong and the elevator malfunctions with Caroline and a fish inside

(Fish?) (Uh-oh...)
The songwriter adds some humor to the situation by questioning the inclusion of a fish in the elevator

Do you know what happens if you leave a fish too long in an elevator?
The singer poses a hypothetical question about the fate of a fish in an elevator

You don't? (Uncontrollable Celtic whooping from Jones)
The songwriter doesn't provide an answer but instead includes some random whooping from a band member

Well, here's a clue: fish is biodegradable. (THAT MEANS IT ROTS.)
The singer provides an answer to the earlier question in a humorous way

Well, there's some big, big things and they travel in big, big cars:
The singer transitions back to the theme of big things

Cars like a Mercedes with a big tow-bar (WHERE'S ESTER?)
The singer gives an example of a big car before calling out for Ester again

But there ain't no vehicle big enough,
However, no car or vehicle is big enough

They just ain't built the vehicle big enough yet to hold the thing that men call Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present (caroline wheeler's birthday present)
Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present is revealed to be so big that no car can contain it

That's: CAROLINE WHEELER'S BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
The song ends where it began, with a reminder of what they've been discussing

(Heck! Here comes the hell drivers!)
The songwriter includes one last exclamation before ending the song

(Vroom!)
The song ends with the sound effect of a car

(OUCH!)
The final sound effect implies that the car has driven over something unfortunate