The Last Bristolian Pirate
The Longest Johns Lyrics

Oh, I used to be a farmer, and I made a living fine
I used to make a good living through farming.

I had a little stretch of land, along the western line
I had a small area of land along the western border.

But times were hard, and though I tried, the money wasn't there
Despite my efforts, the financial situation was tough.

And bankers came and took my land and told me, "Fair is fair"
Bankers seized my land, maintaining it was fair.

I looked for every kind of job, the answer always, "No"
I sought every job, but was consistently denied.

"Hire you now?" they'd always laugh, "We just let twenty go"
Employers repeatedly mocked, stating they'd recently fired many others.

The government, they promised me a measly little sum
The government offered a small amount of money.

But I've got too much pride to end up just another bum
I refused to be a beggar and maintained my self-respect.

And I said, "Who gives a damn if all the jobs are gone
I didn't care about the job situation.

I'm going to be a pirate on the river Severn!"
Instead, I decided to become a pirate on the river Severn.

And it's a-heave-ho-hi-ho
A chant associated with hard manual labor.

Coming down the plains (whoop)
Traveling through fields and countryside.

Stealing wheat and barley and all the other grains
Engaging in piracy by stealing crops.

And it's a-ho-hey-hi-hey, farmers bar your doors
Farmers should protect their property from the pirate.

You'd think the other farmers would know that I'm at large
One would assume farmers would be aware of my notoriety.

But just the other day, I saw an unsuspecting barge
Recently, I ambushed a barge that was not aware of my presence.

I snuck up right behind them, and they were none the wiser
I approached without being noticed.

I rammed their boat and sank it, and I stole the fertilizer!
I attacked the barge, sank it, and took its fertilizer.

The bridge outside of Redwick spans a mighty river
The Redwick bridge crosses a large river.

Farmers cross in so much fear their stomachs are a-quiver
Farmers are frightened while crossing, causing them physical discomfort.

'Cause they know that Tractor Jack is hiding in the bay (ha-ha-arr)
They are aware that Tractor Jack, another pirate, may be lurking nearby.

I'll jump the bridge and knock them cold
I plan to leap over the bridge and attack the farmers.

And sail off with their hay
After stealing their crops, I will sail away.

Well officer Robbie chased me, he was always at my throat
Officer Robbie frequently pursued and tried to capture me.

But he followed on the shoreline cause he didn't own a boat
However, he could only follow on the shore since he did not have a boat.

But cutbacks were a-coming, and the copper lost his job
Due to budget cuts, Officer Robbie lost his job.

And now he sails with us, and we call him Salty Rob
Now, we have recruited him to join our pirate crew and given him the nickname 'Salty Rob.'

A swinging sword, a skull and bones and pleasant company
Pirate weapons and symbols, along with good company, are enjoyable.

I'll never pay my income tax and screw the VAT (Screw it!)
I refuse to pay taxes and do not care about the value-added tax.

Sailing down to Thornbury, the terror of the sea
Traveling to Thornbury while instilling fear in others as a pirate.

If you wanna get to Tesco, boys, you've gotta get by me
If one wants to reach Tesco, they must face me.

Well pirate life's appealing, but you don't just find it here
Being a pirate is tempting, but not limited to this location.

I hear that up in Yorkshire there's a band of buccaneers
There are rumors of a group of pirates in Yorkshire.

They roam around the Yorkshire dales from Smith to Beverley
These pirates raid areas across the Yorkshire dales, from Smith to Beverley.

And you're bound to lose your flat cap if you have to pass their way
If one encounters them, they risk losing their hat.

Winter is a-coming, and a chill is in the breeze
Winter is approaching, and the air is getting colder.

My pirate days are over if the rivers starts to freeze
If the river freezes, I will need to stop pirating.

Well, I'll be back in springtime and now I've got to fly
I plan to return in the spring, but must leave now.

I hear there's lots if plundering down in the Isle of Wight
There are rumors of lots of riches to be taken in the Isle of Wight.

When you see the Jolly Roger on the Severn's mighty shores
Beware of me, the pirate with the Jolly Roger on the river Severn.

Hey
An exclamation to end the song.