My Unicorn Song
Tom Smith Lyrics

This Unicorn Song is like many you've heard,
The Unicorn Song is a familiar folkloric tune that dates back to many years ago.

Except that I wrote it myself.
However, the creator of the song is the writer Tom Smith.

It has magical forests and sweet-singing birds,
The song describes a world of enchanted forests and melodious birds.

And maybe a virginal elf.
The world of the song is complete with innocent, virginal elves.

Now, the fifth and sixth lines never sound very good,
However, the reality of environmental destruction intrudes on this idyllic world.

For the forest is threatened by men,
The song depicts the danger to the forest and its natural inhabitants due to human activity.

But the E.P.A. looks out for Unicorn woods,
Fortunately, a regulatory agency, the Environmental Protection Agency, safeguards the future of Unicorn forests.

So it all ends up happy again.
Thus, the song has a happy ending in which environmental protection triumphs over destruction.

The Unicorn Song is a folklore tradition
The Unicorn Song is a conventional, sentimental folkloric tune.

That goes back for many a year,
The origin of the Unicorn Song is lost in time and goes back many years.

With a syrupy style that I wouldn't wish on
The song is characterized by a cloying, overly sweet style that the singer, Tom Smith, does not care for.

The makers of Three-Two Lite beer.
The Three-Two Lite beer brand is an example of a product that might be associated with the syrupy style of the Unicorn Song.

There's quaint reminiscence of childhood days,
The song evokes nostalgia for the innocence and wonder of childhood.

And the magic that dwells in the heart,
The song also celebrates the enchantment that resides in one's heart.

And a truckload of similar hoary clichés
However, there are pervasive, worn-out clichés in the song.

That aren't worth a Unicorn's fart.
These banalities are not even worth the worth of a mythical creature's flatulence.

On a Midsummer night, when the moon shines above,
The song proceeds to describe the magical sighting of a Unicorn on a summer night.

He'll appear with such beauty and grace
The Unicorn is beautifully and gracefully presented as a creature of wonder.

That a maiden will sigh, and forsake human love
The charm of the Unicorn is such that a human maiden would abandon human love for the creature.

For a horse with a horn on his face.
This horse's distinguishing feature is its singular mystical horn.

He'll lie down and settle his head in her lap,
In addition to being beautiful, the Unicorn is gentle and affectionate.

With his hard gleaming horn on her thigh --
The image of the hard, shining horn resting on the maiden's soft, tender skin is sensual and alluring.

If I were to try that, I'd prob'ly get slapped,
However, a human attempting such behavior would likely receive a slap or legal repercussions.

And the chance of arrest would be high.
Given the overtly sexual nature of this behavior, there would be a high chance of police intervention and arrest.

Now, would any of you women give up your fellas
The song then poses a question to the women listening, asking if they would ever abandon their romantic relationships for a Unicorn.

For an equine with burrs, ticks, and fleas?
Despite its shiny horn, a Unicorn still has the same burdens of everyday life, including fleas and other parasites.

And the horn's healing properties seem suited well as
The healing or medicinal properties of the horn are extolled by the song.

A treatment for social disease.
The hypothetical topical properties of the horn have been transformed into a treatment for a wider range of societal maladies.

If she's not a virgin, then she is ignored,
However, the standards for interacting with a Unicorn are quite strict, and women who are not virgins are overlooked.

From experienced girls they abstain.
Unicorns only interact with virgins, dismissing anyone with prior sexual experience.

The Unicorn uses her once, then gets bored,
Thus, the Unicorn's sexual interaction is exposed as selfish, brief, and unfulfilling for the human involved.

Casanova with hooves and a mane.
The Unicorn is just like the fabled Casanova, a historical heartbreaker who left a trail of broken hearts in his path.

So listen, young women -- your virtue is pure
The song then imparts a morals lesson on young women, telling them that their worth lies in their virtue.

If you love by your own heart's advice,
However, the song adds that love should be pursued according to personal desire.

If a Unicorn shows up at your door, be sure
If a woman is to engage with a Unicorn, she must be aware of the consequences and fully accept her actions.

That you're willing to tender the price.
For the love of a Unicorn, a woman must be willing to pay a high price, which could be her own social ostracism or other personal consequences.

And perhaps the mass media soon will make clear
Finally, the song offers a meta-commentary on the potential future of the Unicorn Song.

That the Unicorn's days are now rare,
As ecological destruction occurs at an increasing pace, real-life Unicorns have become an endangered species.

So, who knows? The next Unicorn Song that you hear
Thus, the song posits that the future of the Unicorn Song is uncertain.

May be sung by Bette Midler and Cher.
The song concludes with a humorous flourish, imagining celebrity singers like Bette Midler and Cher taking up the mantle of the song in contemporary times.