Albuquerque
Weird Al Lyrics

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs
Many years ago, when I was a small child, I lived in a cramped space in my house

In the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop
Specifically, I lived in the basement of a house near a bait shop owned by a person named Jerry

You know the place
I'm sure you're familiar with that area

Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy
During that time, my life was great and everything was going smoothly

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
However, there was one thing that bothered me every single morning

My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast
My mother would serve me a large bowl of sauerkraut as my breakfast

Aw, big bowl of sauerkraut
Oh, a large serving of sauerkraut

Every single mornin'
Every morning without exception

It was driving me crazy
This situation was making me lose my mind

I said to my mom
I expressed my concerns to my mother

I said hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?
I asked my mother why she always served sauerkraut for breakfast

And my dear, sweet mother
My mother, who was kind and loving

She just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train
She stared at me with a confused and bewildered expression

And she leaned right down next to me
She moved closer to me

And she said "It's good for you"
And she claimed that sauerkraut was beneficial for my health

And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
Afterwards, she restrained me against the wall and forced me to consume sauerkraut using a funnel

And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty-six and a half years old
She continued to feed me only sauerkraut until I reached the age of twenty-six and a half

That's when I swore that someday
At that moment, I made a promise to myself that one day

Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place
I would escape from the basement and journey to a wondrous and distant location

Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
Where there is constant sunshine and the air carries the delightful aroma of warm root beer

And the towels are oh so fluffy
Where the towels are incredibly soft and luxurious

Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
Where groups of shriners and individuals affected by leprosy joyfully play their ukuleles throughout the day

And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel
And where strangers passing by would willingly shave your back in exchange for a small coin

Wacka wacka doodoo, yeah
Expressing excitement and agreement with the previous statements

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true
To my surprise, it didn't take much time for my dream to become a reality

Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
Coincidentally, the following day, a radio station in the area held a contest

To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt
The contest involved making an accurate estimation of the number of molecules present in Leonard Nimoy's posterior

I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
Although my guess was slightly incorrect, I still managed to win the main reward

That's right, a first-class one-way ticket to Albuquerque
The prize was an exclusive plane ticket, allowing me to travel to Albuquerque in style

Oh yeah
Expressing excitement and enthusiasm

You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before
Prior to this, I had never experienced a flight on a proper airplane

And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
I must admit, the experience was incredibly enjoyable

Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
Unfortunately, my seat happened to be between two overweight Albanian women who emitted a strong and unpleasant smell

And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time
Furthermore, the child seated behind me continuously vomited throughout the entire duration of the flight

The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts
To add to the discomfort, the flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper soda and salted peanuts

And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
To make matters worse, the film shown during the flight was the movie Bio-Dome starring Pauly Shore

And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
To top it all off, three of the airplane's engines malfunctioned and caught fire

And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
This led to the aircraft spiraling out of control and ultimately crashing into a hill

And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
Tragically, the plane burst into flames and resulted in the death of all the passengers

Except for me
However, miraculously, I managed to survive

You know why?
Do you want to know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up
The reason for my survival was because I had followed the safety instructions to keep my tray table in the upright position

And my seat back in the full upright position
Additionally, I had reclined my seat fully upright

Ah ha ha ha
Expressing a sense of relief or amusement

Ah ha ha
Continuing the expression of relief or amusement

Ah
Ending the expression with a final laugh

So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage
After the crash, I emerged from the damaged and ablaze remains of the airplane

I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
In order to survive, I had to crawl on all fours for an extensive period of three days

Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
I struggled to move forward while carrying my large leather suitcase and garment bag

And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball
Furthermore, I had the added burden of carrying my tenor saxophone and a heavy twelve-pound bowling ball

And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
Additionally, I held onto my prized possession, a glow-in-the-dark snorkel that was personally autographed

But finally, I arrived at the world-famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
Eventually, I reached the highly acclaimed Albuquerque Holiday Inn

Where the towels are oh so fluffy
Known for its exceptional amenities, including incredibly soft towels

And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
To demonstrate the unique features, I highlight the fact that guests are allowed to use ashtrays as unconventional soup bowls

It's ok, they're clean
Assuring potential guests that the ashtrays are clean and suitable for use

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the a/c
After securing my accommodation, I adjusted the air conditioning to a lower setting

And I turned on the spectravision
In addition, I activated the in-room entertainment system, called Spectravision

And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
As I settled down in the room, I was elated to find a small chocolate mint placed on my pillow

That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door
I was eagerly anticipating indulging in the chocolate mint when I unexpectedly heard a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be?
Curious about the identity of the visitor, I questioned who it could possibly be

I say who is it?
I inquired about the identity of the individual outside my room

No answer
There was no response

Who is it?
I repeated my question, hoping to receive a reply

There's no answer
However, once again, there was silence

Who Is It?
Getting slightly frustrated, I demanded to know who was present

They're not sayin' anything
To my disappointment, the person outside remained silent

So, finally, I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
Fed up with the lack of response, I approached the door, opened it, and my suspicions were confirmed

It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a flock of seagulls haircut and only one nostril
To my surprise and dismay, the individual at the door was a large, overweight person with an unconventional hairstyle resembling a flock of seagulls and possessing only one functioning nostril

Oh man, I hate it when I'm right
Expressing frustration and annoyance at being correct in my assumption

So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
Without hesitation, the person barged into my room and forcefully took hold of my cherished lucky snorkel

And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that
I immediately protested, informing the intruder that they were not allowed to take my snorkel

That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me
I explained to him that the snorkel held immense personal value to me

And he's like tough
Ignoring my protests, he displayed a tough and unyielding attitude

And I'm like give it
I demanded that he return the snorkel to me

And he's like make me
Defiantly, he challenged me, instructing me to force him to comply

And I'm like kay
Accepting the challenge, I prepared to engage in a physical confrontation

So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
I quickly seized his leg, and in response, he tightly grasped my throat

And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
In the midst of our struggle, I resorted to biting off his ear, while he retaliated by chewing off my eyebrows

And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
Continuing the fight, I performed an impromptu surgery by removing his appendix, and in return, he forcefully administered a colonic irrigation to me

Yes indeed, you better believe it
Reaffirming the truthfulness of the events that transpired

And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
During our intense struggle, the telephone accidentally got disconnected

And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice
A mere twenty seconds later, I recognized the sound of a familiar voice

And you know what it said?
Can you guess what the voice said?

I'll tell you what it said
Allow me to inform you of what was said

It said
The voice conveyed the following message

If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again
The message advised that if I wanted to make a phone call, I should hang up and attempt again

If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator
Alternatively, it suggested that if I required assistance, I should hang up and contact the telephone operator

In Albuquerque
This message was specific to the city of Albuquerque

Albuquerque
Repeatedly emphasizing that the message was related to Albuquerque

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel
In summary, the intruder managed to escape with my snorkel

But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest
However, I made a solemn promise at that moment that I would not rest

I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice
I vowed to stay awake and relentlessly pursue justice until the one-nostrilled man was held accountable

But first, I decided to buy some donuts
Before embarking on my mission, I felt the need to indulge in a purchase of donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop
I entered my car and drove to the nearest donut shop

And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
Approaching the counter, I faced the cashier

And he says yeah, what do ya want?
Promptly, the cashier asked me what I desired to purchase

I said you got any glazed donuts?
I inquired about the availability of glazed donuts

He said nah, we're outta glazed donuts
Regrettably, I was informed that they had run out of glazed donuts

I said you got any jelly donuts?
I then asked if they had any jelly-filled donuts

He said nah, we're outta jelly donuts
Unfortunately, they had also run out of jelly-filled donuts

I said you got any bavarian cream-filled donuts?
Next, I inquired about the availability of bavarian cream-filled donuts

He said "nah, we're outta bavarian cream-filled donuts
The cashier informed me that they were currently out of bavarian cream-filled donuts

I said you got any cinnamon rolls?
I proceeded to ask if they had cinnamon rolls for sale

He said nah, we're outta cinnamon rolls
Regrettably, they had also run out of cinnamon rolls

I said you got any apple fritters?
I attempted a different option and asked if they had apple fritters

He said nah, we're outta apple fritters
Unfortunately, they had run out of apple fritters as well

I said you got any bear claws?
I continued my quest and asked if they had bear claws available

He said wait a minute, I'll go check
The cashier decided to investigate and went to verify the availability

Nah, we're outta bear claws
After checking, the cashier informed me that they had also run out of bear claws

I said well, in that case, what do you have?
Given the lack of options, I expressed my desire to know what they had available

He says all I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels
With a disappointing response, the cashier presented a box containing twelve desperate and agitated weasels

I said OK, I'll take that
Accepting the unusual alternative, I agreed to purchase the box of weasels

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out
The cashier handed me the box, and as I opened the lid, the weasels quickly escaped

And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over
Without hesitation, the weasels clung to my face and began biting me extensively

Oh man, they were just going nuts
The weasels were behaving erratically and violently

They were tearin' me apart
They were causing significant harm and damage to my face

You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head
During this chaotic situation, a particular song began playing in my mind

I believe it went a little something like this
I recall the melody of the song being like this

Doh
Singing the sound 'doh'

Get 'em off me
Pleading for someone to remove the weasels from my face

Get 'em off me
Repeating the request to have the weasels removed

Oh
Expressing distress or discomfort

No, get 'em off, get 'em off
Desperately urging for the weasels to be removed from my face

Oh, oh god, oh god
Exclaiming in fear or distress

Oh, get 'em off me
Continuing to request the removal of the weasels from my face

Oh, oh god
Expressing desperation or panic

Ah
Ending the emotional outburst with a sigh of relief

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face
Driven by fear, I ran out onto the street with the flesh-eating weasels still clinging to my face

Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'
Frantically waving my arms and sprinting as fast as I could

Like a constipated weiner dog
Moving in a manner similar to a constipated wiener dog

And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
Coincidentally, that is the exact moment when I encountered the person I had always hoped to meet

Her name was Zelda
The girl's name was Zelda

She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
She had a passion for calligraphy, a small misalignment of her teeth, and hair that resembled the color of strained peaches

I'll never forget the first thing she said to me
I will always remember the initial words she spoke to me

She said, hey, you've got weasels on your face
Upon seeing the weasels on my face, she pointed out the obvious

That's when I knew it was true love
At that moment, I realized that it was true love

We were inseparable after that
From that point forward, we were always together

Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
We shared meals and took baths together

We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss
Our bond was so strong that we even used the same piece of dental floss flavored with mint

The world was our burrito
We felt like we owned the world and could do anything

So we got married and we bought us a house
As a result, we decided to get married and purchase a house

And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly
As a couple, we were blessed with two wonderful children named Nathaniel and Superfly

Oh, we were so very, very, very happy, aw yeah
We experienced immense happiness and contentment in our lives

But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me
However, one evening, Zelda said something that changed everything

She said, Sweetie pumpkin? do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?
She asked if I would like to join the Columbia Record Club

I said, whoa, hold on now, baby
Surprised by the sudden question, I asked her to pause for a moment

I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment
I explained that I was not prepared for such a significant commitment

So we broke up and I never saw her again
As a result, we ended our relationship, and I never had the opportunity to see her again

But that's just the way things go
Unfortunately, life is filled with unexpected endings and separations

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me
Despite the heartbreak, positive things began happening in my life

Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream
Approximately one week later, I fulfilled my lifelong dream

That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler
I successfully obtained a part-time position at The Sizzler, a restaurant chain

I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face
Due to my heroic act of extinguishing a grease fire using my face, I was awarded the employee of the month title

Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
As a result, many people felt envious of my achievement

I was gettin' a lot of attitude
I started receiving a lot of negative attitude and envy from others

Ok, like one time, I was out in the parking lot
For example, there was a time when I was in the parking lot

Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
Attempting to clean my ears using a golf pencil

When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself
At that moment, I noticed a man named Marty struggling to carry a large sofa up a flight of stairs on his own

So I, I say to him, I say, hey, you want me to help you with that?
I offered my assistance to Marty by asking if he wanted help with the heavy sofa

And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
However, Marty responded dismissively by rolling his eyes and saying

No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw
Sarcastically, he stated that he would prefer if I cut off his limbs using a chainsaw

So I did
Taking his words literally, I proceeded to cut off his arms and legs with a chainsaw

And then he gets all indignant on me
To my surprise, Marty began to exhibit anger or annoyance towards me

He's like, hey man, I was just being sarcastic
He expressed his frustration, explaining that his previous statement was meant as sarcasm

Well, that's just great
Feeling exasperated, I sarcastically responded to the situation

How was I supposed to know that?
I questioned how I could have possibly known he was being sarcastic

I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud
I emphasized that I am not capable of reading minds

Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname, torso-boy
On the bright side, Marty was given an endearing nickname, 'torso-boy,' due to his lack of limbs

So what's he complaining about?
Considering the positive outcome, I questioned why Marty was complaining in the first place

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
This situation brings to mind another entertaining story that I'd like to share

This guy comes up to me on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days
I recall an encounter with an individual on the street who claimed to have not eaten anything for three days

Well, I knew what he meant
Understanding the underlying message, I could interpret his words accurately

But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
However, for the sake of humor, I decided to take a large bite out of his jugular vein

And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over
As a result, the person reacted by yelling, screaming, and bleeding profusely

And I'm like, hey, come on, don'tcha get it?
Surprisingly, I tried to explain the humor of the situation to him

But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
Disregarding my attempt at humor, he continued to roll on the sidewalk, bleeding and screaming in pain

You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation
He failed to recognize or appreciate the irony and humor in what had just occurred

Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?
Reflecting on the incident, I expressed my frustration with people who fail to understand humor

Anyway, um, um, where was I?
After momentarily losing my train of thought, I tried to regain focus

Kinda lost my train of thought
Admitting that I had temporarily lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, ok
Attempting to regain composure and continue with my story

Anyway, I, I know it's kinda a roundabout way of saying it
In any case, I'm aware that my story has been long and digressive

But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is
However, what I'm ultimately attempting to convey is

I hate sauerkraut!
I have a strong dislike for sauerkraut

That's all I'm really tryin' to say
In essence, that is the main message I'm attempting to convey

And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
Additionally, if there ever comes a day when you awaken

And find yourself in an existential quandry
And discover yourself in a state of existential confusion or uncertainty

Full of loathing and self-doubt
Overflowing with hatred and a lack of confidence in oneself

And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
Experiencing immense suffering, loneliness, and the realization of the meaningless nature of your own existence

At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
In that despairing moment, you can find solace in the realization

Somewhere out there in this crazy old mixed-up universe of ours
That within this chaotic and confusing universe

There's still a little place called Albuquerque
There's still a small place called Albuquerque

Albuquerque
Repeatedly emphasizing the existence of Albuquerque

albuquerque, Albuquerque
Further emphasizing and repeating the name Albuquerque

albuquerque, Albuquerque
Continuing to highlight and repeat the name Albuquerque

albuquerque, Albuquerque
Continuing to emphasize and repeat the name Albuquerque