Master Of The House
Helena Bonham Carter; Sacha Baron Cohen Lyrics

My band of soaks, my den of dissolutes
This is a group of problematic, drunken individuals.

My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts
These people are always drunk and sharing vulgar jokes.

My sons of whores spend there lives in my inn
Prostitutes and their children reside in this inn.

Homing pigeons homing in
Customers are always coming back for more.

They fly through my doors
Customers frequently visit the inn.

And they crawl out on all fours
They leave the inn completely drunk.

Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down
Welcome to my establishment, please take a seat.

And meet the best innkeeper in town
I am the best innkeeper in town.

As for the rest, all of 'em crooks
The other innkeepers in town are dishonest.

Rooking their guests and crooking the books
They are cheating their customers and falsifying bookkeeping records.

Seldom do you see
It is rare to come across

Honest men like me
Honest people like myself

A gent of good intent
Someone with good intentions and manners

Who's content to be
Who is happy being

Master of the house, doling out the charm
I am the master of this inn, offering my charm and charisma to customers.

Ready with a handshake and an open palm
I am always ready to greet my customers with a handshake and a welcoming attitude.

Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
I like to tell raunchy stories and stir up some excitement among the customers.

Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Customers like someone who enjoys life's pleasures.

Glad to do a friend a favor
I am happy to do my friends a favor.

Doesn't cost me to be nice
It doesn't take much for me to be kind.

But nothing gets you nothing
However, nothing is free.

Everything has got a little price!
Everything comes at a price.

Master of the house, keeper of the zoo
I am the owner of this place, which is like a zoo.

Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
I am always willing to take a little money from the customers.

Watering the wine, making up the weight
I might water down the wine or add weight to scales to make a little extra profit.

Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
If the customers are too drunk to take their possessions with them, I'll take them for myself.

Everybody loves a landlord
Everyone likes a landlord.

Everybody's bosom friend
Everyone feels close to their landlord.

I do whatever pleases
I do whatever makes me happy.

Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end
I'll eventually take all their money by the end.

Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye
I'm very observant and perceptive.

Never wants a passerby to pass him by
I don't want to miss a chance to attract a new customer.

Servant to the poor, butler to the great
I serve both the poor and the rich.

Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate
I provide comfort and friendship to the customers, and I see myself as a philosopher.

Everybody's boon companion
Everyone's good friend.

Everybody's chaperon
Everyone's protector.

But lock up your valises
However, you should keep your bags and belongings locked up.

Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone
Otherwise, I'll take you for all you're worth.

Food beyond compare. Food beyond belief
My food is unbelievably good.

Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
I might mix ingredients together and call it something it's not.

Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat
I'll use whatever ingredients are available, even if they're unusual.

Filling up the sausages with this and that
I'll add in various ingredients to the sausages to fill them up.

Residents are more than welcome
I welcome all residents as customers.

Bridal suite is occupied
Our honeymoon suite is currently taken.

Reasonable charges
Our prices are fair and reasonable.

Plus some little extras on the side!
However, there may be some additional costs.

(Yes yes oh Santa!)
This is just a nonsensical shout.

Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice
We will charge customers even for small issues, such as lice or mice.

Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
We will even charge for something as ridiculous as looking in the mirror twice.

Here a little slice, there a little cut
We'll take a little bit of money from the customers here and there.

Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
We'll even charge for something like closing the window at night.

When it comes to fixing prices
When determining prices

There are a lot of tricks I knows
There are many ways I can manipulate the costs.

How it all increases, all them bits and pieces
It's amazing how everything adds up in the end.

Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!
It's amazing how much money we can make.

(Oh, sorry love. Let's get something done about that)
This is just a meaningless phrase in the song.

I used to dream that I would meet a prince
I used to dream about meeting a rich and powerful man.

But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
But now look at where I am and what I have.

Master of the house? Isn't worth my spit!
The inn's owner is not worth caring about.

Comforter, philosopher' and lifelong shit!
He thinks he's a great counselor, a philosopher, but in reality, he's just a terrible person to be around.

Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
He thinks he's very smart, almost like the philosopher Voltaire.

Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
He believes he's quite the ladies' man, but he's actually not that great.

What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse
It's a terrible misfortune that I ended up with such a terrible man.

God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!
I don't know how I've been able to stand living with him for so long.

Master of the house!
I am the owner of this inn!

Master and a half
I am the master and more.

Comforter, philosopher
I see myself as a counselor, philosopher

Don't make me laugh!
But that's a bit ridiculous.

Servant to the poor, butler to the great
I serve everyone, from the poor to the rich.

Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!
But I'm actually a hypocrite, a sycophant, and often drunk.

Everybody bless the landlord!
Everyone should praise the landlord.

Everybody bless his spouse!
Everyone should praise his spouse.

Everybody raise a glass
Everyone should raise their glass.

Raise it up the master's arse
But the toast is actually sarcastic and disrespectful.

Everybody raise a glass to the Master of the House!
Everyone should give a sarcastic toast to the Master of the House.