Master Of The House
Jennifer Butt & Leo Burmester Lyrics

My band of soaks, my den of dissolute's
Referring to the group of people who frequent the inn - they are heavy drinkers and generally immoral

My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts
The innkeeper uses vulgar humor and is always drunk

My sons of whores spend their lives in my inn
The customers are promiscuous and live at the inn

Homing pigeons homing in
The inn attracts regular customers

They fly through my doors, And they crawl out on all fours
Customers come and go frequently and in various stages of intoxication

Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down And meet the best innkeeper in town
The innkeeper is confident in his ability to provide an enjoyable experience for his guests

As for the rest, all of 'em crooks Rooking their guests and crooking the books
The innkeeper believes that his competitors cheat their customers and falsify records

Seldom do you see Honest men like me A gent of good intent Who's content to be
The innkeeper sees himself as an honest man with good intentions who is satisfied with his life

Master of the house, doling out the charm Ready with a handshake and an open palm Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
The innkeeper is charming and friendly, with a talent for storytelling that entertains the customers

Glad to do a friend a favor Doesn't cost me to be nice But nothing gets you nothing Everything has got a little price
The innkeeper is happy to help his friends but expects something in return. He believes that everything has a cost

Master of the house, keeper of the zoo Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two Watering the wine, making up the weight Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
The innkeeper is always looking for ways to make additional money, whether from overcharging customers or stealing from them

Everybody loves a landlord Everybody's bosom friend I do whatever pleases Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!
The innkeeper believes himself to be popular with everyone, but he is only interested in his own financial gain

Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye Never wants a passerby to pass him by Servant to the poor, butler to the great Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
The innkeeper is always looking for new business, and considers himself to be helpful to people of all social statuses

Everybody's boon companion Everybody's chaperone But lock up your valises Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!
The innkeeper is friendly with everyone, but will still take every opportunity to steal from them

Food beyond compare. Food beyond belief Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat Filling up the sausages with this and that
The innkeeper serves terrible food made from questionable ingredients, but pretends that it is high-quality

Residents are more than welcome Bridal suite is occupied Reasonable charges Plus some little extras on the side! (Oh Santa!)
The innkeeper welcomes long-term guests, charges a decent price for rooms, and adds additional charges for extra services

Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice Two percent for looking in the mirror twice Here a little slice, there a little cut Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
The innkeeper charges for everything he can think of, no matter how small or ridiculous the charge may seem

When it comes to fixing prices There are a lot of tricks I knows How it all increases, all them bits and pieces Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!
The innkeeper has many sneaky ways of increasing prices, and is amazed at how easily customers are taken advantage of

(Oh, sorry love Let's get something done about that) I used to dream that I would meet a prince But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
The innkeeper apologizes for a minor issue and reminisces about a time when she had more idealistic dreams, but has since become disillusioned

Master of the house? Isn't worth my spit! Comforter, philosopher' and lifelong shit! Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!
The innkeeper's spouse is a worthless, unpleasant person who believes himself to be smart, charming, and attractive, but in reality is none of those things. The innkeeper resents being married to such a terrible person

Master of the house! Master and a half! Comforter, philosopher Don't make me laugh! Servant to the poor, butler to the great Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!
The innkeeper reiterates that her spouse is not the kind and helpful person he pretends to be, but instead is dishonest, subservient, and always drunk

Everybody bless the landlord! Everybody bless his spouse! Everybody raise a glass Raise it up the master's arse Everybody raise a glass to the Master of the House!
Ironically, the innkeeper encourages everyone to celebrate and toast to himself and his spouse