Master Of The House
Les Misérables Cast Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter Lyrics

My band of soaks, my den of dissolutes
My group of heavy drinkers, my establishment of morally corrupt individuals

My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts
My vulgar humor, my customers who are always drunk

My sons of whores spend there lives in my inn
My illegitimate offspring are employed at my establishment for their entire lives

Homing pigeons homing in
Customers flock to my inn

They fly through my doors
Customers enter my establishment quickly and easily

And they crawl out on all fours
Customers exit my establishment drunk and disheveled

Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down
Greetings, sir, please take a seat

And meet the best innkeeper in town
You are about to meet the most talented host in this area

As for the rest, all of 'em crooks
Regarding my competitors, all of them are dishonest

Rooking their guests and crooking the books
They cheat their customers in various ways and are fraudulent in their accounting

Seldom do you see
It is rare to observe

Honest men like me
Men with integrity, like myself

A gent of good intent
A man with virtuous aims

Who's content to be
Who is satisfied with their current situation

Master of the house, doling out the charm
The owner of this establishment who exudes charisma

Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Prepared to greet customers warmly and with a willingness to serve

Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
Shares a racy story that causes a stir among patrons

Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
The clientele enjoy a man who knows how to live life to the fullest

Glad to do a friend a favor
Willing to help out a friend

Doesn't cost me to be nice
There is no financial cost associated with being kind

But nothing gets you nothing
One must put in effort to receive something in return

Everything has got a little price!
Everything comes at a cost

Master of the house, keeper of the zoo
The owner of this establishment who manages a chaotic environment

Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
Prepared to take a few coins from patrons

Watering the wine, making up the weight
Adding water to wine and other methods of serving less than what has been paid for

Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
Taking objects from patrons when they are too inebriated to notice

Everybody loves a landlord
Patrons appreciate having a landlord

Everybody's bosom friend
The landlord is friendly with everyone

I do whatever pleases
I strive to make my patrons satisfied

Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end
Wow, I will certainly take a lot of money from them in the long run

Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye
The owner of this establishment who is good at grabbing attention

Never wants a passerby to pass him by
Wants to make sure everyone knows about this establishment and its owner

Servant to the poor, butler to the great
The owner serves everyone, regardless of social status

Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate
In addition to being a host, the owner provides emotional support and wisdom to patrons

Everybody's boon companion
Everyone enjoys spending time with this person

Everybody's chaperon
The landlord is looking out for everyone's well-being

But lock up your valises
However, patrons should still be cautious with their belongings

Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone
Wow, I will surely take a large amount of money from them through various schemes

Food beyond compare. Food beyond belief
The food served here is exceptional, beyond compare and belief

Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Sometimes, we even go as far as serving meat that isn't actually beef

Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat
We use all sorts of questionable and unappetizing meats

Filling up the sausages with this and that
In order to save money, the owner fills the sausages with questionable ingredients

Residents are more than welcome
Local patrons are encouraged to visit frequently

Bridal suite is occupied
The bridal suite is currently in use

Reasonable charges
Our prices are fair and affordable

Plus some little extras on the side!
However, there may be some additional costs that aren't mentioned upfront

(Yes yes oh Santa!)
(This is just an exclamation of excitement)

Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice
We even charge patrons for pests on the premises

Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
We try to nickel and dime patrons, and even charge for certain actions

Here a little slice, there a little cut
We add a small additional cost on top of the original price for various things

Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
We even charge for things passengers shouldn't have to think about

When it comes to fixing prices
When it comes to our pricing schemes

There are a lot of tricks I knows
We have lots of different strategies in place

How it all increases, all them bits and pieces
It's amazing how costs add up

Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!
Wow, it's incredible how the costs just keep adding up and up

(Oh, sorry love. Let's get something done about that)
(This is just a throwaway line at the end of a verse)

I used to dream that I would meet a prince
I had a dream that one day, I would marry a prince

But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
But since then, things have changed dramatically

Master of the house? Isn't worth my spit!
The owner of this establishment isn't even worth my saliva

Comforter, philosopher' and lifelong shit!
He is a hypocrite and a lowlife

Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
However, the owner is intelligent and skilled with words

Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
Despite his efforts to be a ladies' man, he is lacking in certain aspects

What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse
I can't believe I'm stuck living with someone so despicable

God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!
I have no idea how I've managed to put up with him for so long

Master of the house!
The owner of this establishment!

Master and a half!
The owner considers himself not just a master, but more than that

Comforter, philosopher
In addition to being a host, he provides emotional support and intellect

Don't make me laugh!
This claim is laughable

Servant to the poor, butler to the great
He takes care of everyone, regardless of wealth or status

Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!
However, he is fake and sycophantic, and also constantly inebriated

Everybody bless the landlord!
Everyone is encouraged to appreciate and bless the landlord

Everybody bless his spouse!
Everyone should also bless the landlord's wife

Everybody raise a glass
Let's all raise a drink

Raise it up the master's arse
However, this drink is being raised in jest, because the landlord isn't actually deserving of such praise

Everybody raise a glass to the Master of the House!
But we'll still drink to the landlord anyway