Master Of The House
Sacha Baron Cohen Helena Bonham Carter Les Misérables Cast Lyrics

My band of soaks, my den of dissolutes
My group of drunken friends, my place of immoral activity

My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts
My vulgar humor, my friends who are always drunk

My sons of whores (no, no, no, no, not tonight)
My associates with questionable reputations

Spend their lives in my inn, homing pigeons homing in
They're regulars at my establishment and always return

They fly through my doors and they crawl out on all fours
They enter and exit my establishment in various states of drunkenness

Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down and meet the best innkeeper in town
Greetings, sir, take a seat and meet me, the finest proprietor in town

As for the rest, all of them crooks: Rooking their guests and cooking the books
As for other innkeepers, they're all dishonest: cheating their customers and falsifying records

Seldom do you see honest men like me, a gent of good intent who's content to be
It's rare to find honest people like myself, a kind man who's satisfied with his life

Master of the house, doling out the charm, ready with a handshake and an open palm
I'm the master of this inn and use my charm to win over customers with a welcoming gesture

Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir, customers appreciate a bon-viveur
I share a bold story, causing a bit of excitement, and clients appreciate my charismatic personality

Glad to do a friend a favor, doesn't cost me to be nice
Happy to help a friend, there's no charge for kindness

But nothing gets you nothing, everything has got a little price!
However, everything comes at a cost, and you can't get something for nothing

Master of the house, keeper of the zoo, ready to relieve them of a sou or two
As the proprietor, I oversee my establishment and always ready to make some money

Watering the wine, making up the weight, picking up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
I take watered-down wine, overcharge for goods, and steal from clients when they're too drunk to notice

Everybody loves a landlord, everybody's bosom friend
Everyone enjoys a landlord's company and sees them as close friends

I do whatever pleases, Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!
I'll do whatever it takes to satisfy customers' desires, even if it means overcharging them in the end

Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye, never was a passerby to pass him by
As the proprietor, I capture one's attention quickly and no one overlooks me

Servant to the poor, butler to the great, comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
I cater to the disadvantaged and the wealthy alike, offering comfort, wisdom, and friendship

Everybody's boon companion, everybody's chaperone
I'm everyone's enjoyable companion and a trustworthy guardian

But lock up your valises, Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!
However, be careful with your valuables, as I'll take everything down to the last penny

Food beyond compare, food beyond belief, mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
My food is outstanding, exquisite, even - though it could be anything minced to resemble beef

Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat, filling up the sausages with this and that
I'll use any animal part I can find, even if it makes my sausage unappetizing.

Residents are more than welcome, bridal suite is occupied
I welcome all guests, and some are even enjoying the honeymoon suite.

Reasonable charges, plus some little extras on the side!
I charge reasonable prices but have some additional, secret fees on top of it.

('Oh Santa!')
A random exclamation, signifying the enjoyment of one's life

Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice, two percent for looking in the mirror twice (Hand it over!)
I'll charge for lice and even more for mice, 2% for customers examining themselves closely, so hand over the payment!

Here a little slice, there a little cut, three percent for sleeping with the window shut
I'll take a piece of the pie through small fees, even charging 3% extra for guests sleeping comfortably

When it comes to fixing prices, there are a lot of tricks I knows
I know several methods of manipulating prices to my benefit.

How it all increases, all those bits and pieces, Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!
It's always surprising that those small fees add up to so much!

('Oh, sorry love, must get something done about that')
A meaningless aside, likely to a groupie or servant, before returning to financial scamming

I used to dream that I would meet a prince, but God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
I once had grand aspirations of finding true love, but have settled for my current profitable, though unfulfilling establishment.

Master of the house? Isn't worth my spit! Comforter, philosopher and lifelong shit!
I'm not impressed by this pretentious title. I'm not offering anything valuable, merely spewing nonsense.

Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire, thinks he's quite a lover, but there's not much there
Self-congratulatory, I see myself clever as the Enlightenment philosopher, but unlike his many loves, love has evaded me

What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse, God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!
It's terrible luck to end up with such a terrible spouse, leading to hardships hard to imagine.

Master of the house! Master and a half! Comforter, philosopher, don't make me laugh!
Again pretending to the greatness of the supposedly honorable position, only to dismiss it all as a joke.

Servant to the poor, butler to the great, hypocrite and toady and inebriate!
I pretend to care for the disadvantaged, while also catering to the wealthy yet it's all a hypocrisy hidden underneath excess drinking and false flattery.

Everybody bless the landlord! Everybody bless his spouse! Everybody raise a glass, raise it up the master's arse!
Celebrating the top dog, flattering the spouse and, finally, raising a glass to the symbol of their status but making it clear that there is no true honor to it all.