Master Of The House
Thénardier his wife and customers Lyrics

My band of soaks, my den of dissolute's
These are my friends, all of them heavy drinkers and ne'er-do-wells

My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts
We always share bawdy jokes and drink excessively

My sons of whores spend their lives in my inn
My patrons are prostitutes or have ties to the brothels

Homing pigeons homing in
These patrons come back to drink and dine, always returning to my inn

They fly through my doors,
Customers come to my inn in large numbers

And they crawl out on all fours
They leave the inn highly intoxicated and disoriented, crawling out on all fours

Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down
Please, come in and have a seat, sir

And meet the best innkeeper in town
I am the finest and most hospitable innkeeper you'll find around these parts

As for the rest, all of 'em crooks
Other innkeepers are dishonest and engage in fraudulent business practices

Rooking their guests and crooking the books
They cheat their guests and falsify their accounting books

Seldom do you see
It's rare to find

Honest men like me
Someone as truthful as I am

A gent of good intent
I have noble intentions

Who's content to be
I am satisfied with my position

Master of the house, doling out the charm
As the innkeeper, I charm and flatter my patrons

Ready with a handshake and an open palm
I am always there with a welcoming handshake and an open hand for tips

Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
I share humorous and sometimes risqué stories to entertain my customers

Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
My patrons enjoy the company of someone who knows how to live life to the fullest

Glad to do a friend a favor
I am always happy to help out a good friend

Doesn't cost me to be nice
I don't mind treating people well without asking for anything in return

But nothing gets you nothing
If you want something in return, you have to give something first

Everything has got a little price
Even if it seems like I'm being nice without expectation, there's always a catch

Master of the house, keeper of the zoo
As the innkeeper, I am in charge of a chaotic and unpredictable environment

Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
I'm always looking for a chance to make some extra money off my customers

Watering the wine, making up the weight
I'll dilute the wine to serve smaller portions and make it seem like they're getting more than they actually are

Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
I'll steal small things from my customers when they're too drunk to even notice

Everybody loves a landlord
People tend to appreciate their innkeeper

Everybody's bosom friend
I try to get to know my patrons personally and befriend them

I do whatever pleases
I'll do anything to make my customers happy

Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!
I'll charge them for every penny they're worth before they leave

Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye
I'm always looking for new customers and trying to attract their attention

Never wants a passerby to pass him by
I don't want any potential customers to walk past my business without noticing it

Servant to the poor, butler to the great
I serve anyone, regardless of their status or wealth

Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
I am a confidante and a source of consolation to my patrons

Everybody's boon companion
I am everybody's close friend

Everybody's chaperone
I keep an eye on everyone and make sure they're safe

But lock up your valises
But make sure to keep your bags and belongings secure

Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!
Otherwise, I'll steal everything from you if you let me

Food beyond compare. Food beyond belief
The food I serve is truly exceptional and hard to match

Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
I'll sometimes cut the meat with filler and say it's beef

Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat
I'll put any kind of meat I can find into the sausages, especially if it's cheap

Filling up the sausages with this and that
I'll use the cheapest and most questionable ingredients to make sausages

Residents are more than welcome
Everyone is encouraged to stay and spend their money

Bridal suite is occupied
Even newlyweds come to stay at my inn

Reasonable charges
I won't charge exorbitant prices for my services

Plus some little extras on the side!
But I will charge for any little thing I can think of

(Oh Santa!)
(An exclamation of surprise or amazement)

Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice
I'll even charge for the little creatures that infest my inn

Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
I'll even charge my customers for their own vanity

Here a little slice, there a little cut
I'll charge for every little thing I can think of

Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
I'll charge for anything, even something as small as closing a window

When it comes to fixing prices
When it comes to charging people

There are a lot of tricks I knows
I know many tricks for making money and charging more

How it all increases, all them bits and pieces
Even the small charges can add up and make a huge difference in profits

Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!
It's incredible how quickly these charges can stack up

(Oh, sorry love
(An apology to his wife)

Let's get something done about that)
(Referring to something he said that upset his wife)

I used to dream that I would meet a prince
I once hoped to marry a wealthy and respectable man

But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
But instead I'm stuck with this terrible innkeeper as my husband

Master of the house? Isn't worth my spit!
My husband isn't even worth my saliva

Comforter, philosopher' and lifelong shit!
He's not comforting or philosophical, he's a worthless and terrible person

Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
He thinks he's clever and witty, like Voltaire

Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
But he's really not much of a lover at all

What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse
It's a terrible twist of fate to be married to someone as awful as him

God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!
I can't believe I've put up with him for this long

Master of the house!
He thinks he's in charge of everything

Master and a half!
But he's really not even that good or capable

Comforter, philosopher
He pretends to have wisdom and moral guidance

Don't make me laugh!
But it's all just a big joke

Servant to the poor, butler to the great
He serves everyone, regardless of their status

Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!
He's a backstabber, a sycophant, and always drunk

Everybody bless the landlord!
Everyone seems to admire him

Everybody bless his spouse!
But I'm not deserving of any praise as his wife

Everybody raise a glass
Let's all cheers to him being in charge

Raise it up the master's arse
But really, he doesn't deserve any praise or admiration

Everybody raise a glass to the Master of the House!
But let's pretend to anyway