Insanity
The Nines Lyrics

I'll run away from the edge of insanity
I'll flee the brink of mental collapse

Let's pour one out for this moment of clarity
Let's celebrate this brief instance of lucidity

Try to think straight but my mind has polarity
I struggle to focus while my thoughts diverge

Splitting in two like this shits really scaring me
I feel like I'm falling apart and it terrifies me

I'm feeling anxious so please no don't stare at me
I'm paranoid, don't look at me

I'm talking straight you don't like my vulgarity
I'm being honest, even if my language is vulgar

Don't mean to curse but no it's fucking part of me
I don't intend to swear, but it's a natural part of who I am

Say it's okay but you look at me hardly
You tell me it's fine, but your expression suggests otherwise

I ain't been this tied up in a second
I haven't felt this stressed in a while

Work to get my heart rate down but mind is never resting
I try to calm down, but my mind won't stop racing

Feeling like I'm losing everybody say I'm winning
I feel like I'm alone, despite others' praise

I ain't crazy yet but know it's fucking in my vision
I'm not clinically insane, but it feels like I'm losing my mind

My reality's in waviness
My perception of reality is distorted and fluid

I weirdly wanna savor this
I strangely want to enjoy this experience

I usually tend to aim and miss
I often fail to achieve my goals

And always end up throwing fits
And I frequently lose my temper

I look in my distorted mirror
I see myself in a warped reflection

Voice in my head I can't hear her
I can't understand the thoughts in my own mind

Feet are small and head is bigger
I feel small and insignificant

I could paint a vivid picture
I could describe my experiences in detail

Seeing double like your sipping liquor
I'm dizzy and disoriented

Fog around you like your cig is with ya
There's a haze clouding my thoughts

And a swisher
And the smell of smoke

Emotional dysregulation
I struggle to control my emotions

Think you're fine but you're mistaken
You think you're okay, but you're not really

Speaking but my eyes are vacant
I'm talking, but my mind is elsewhere

Never know my point of breaking
I don't know when I'll reach my breaking point

Till it's broken
Until I've already fallen apart

The weed I smoke is potent
The marijuana I use is strong

I'm posing while they pointing
I'm acting like everything's okay while others criticize me

Say I hope that you're enjoying
I pretend that I'm happy, but I'm not really

I'm floating like I'm buoyant
I feel weightless and carefree

But these people all annoying
But the people around me are irritating

They hoping that you're holding
They expect you to be successful

Lots a cash like you important
Financial success equates to worth and importance

But you ain't shit but a stoner with anxiety
But I'm just a person struggling with anxiety and marijuana use

You ain't gonna be nothing else
I won't be anything more than what I am now

As hard as you try to be
Even if I try my best to change

Maybe I should realize that I'm
Perhaps I need to acknowledge that I am

The only one trying me
The only person holding me back is myself

So stop acting like these problems
I need to stop pretending that my problems

They just be finding me
Are outside of my control

I'm finally
I've reached a point where I am

Making realizations
Coming to terms with things I previously didn't understand

Things that never quite made sense to me
Things that always eluded my understanding

Like math equations
Such as complicated mathematical formulas

And I always wanted answers because
And I've always craved answers because

I'm impatient
I'm not very good at waiting

But now that I'm getting somewhere
But now that I'm making progress

It was worth the waiting
All that time spent waiting was worth it

Say I need help but no I ain't no charity
I don't want to be pitied, just supported

Want me to change but no I do not care to be
Others want me to change, but I don't want to conform

Something I'm not yeah I like living carelessly
I enjoy being myself and living without rules or restrictions

You not like me we don't got similarities
You and I are different, and we don't share many traits

I ain't always been this fucking nervous
I haven't always been this anxious

Used to be myself and not care much bout what the world is
I used to be carefree and unconcerned with the opinions of others

But then shit started coming to the surface
But then my issues became more apparent

Now I struggle just to find my inner self and what my worth is
Now I find it difficult to understand myself and what I'm worth

It ain't always picture perfect
Life isn't always easy and ideal

Pour a glass cuz I deserve it
I'll treat myself to a drink

I reflect against the surface
I look at myself in the mirror

Just to try to find my purpose
In an attempt to understand my purpose in life

Like a phone I'm out of service
I feel disconnected and unresponsive

I don't got none more
I have nothing left

And now I'm drunk
And now I'm intoxicated

And I'm wondering what I called for
And I'm unsure of why I decided to call

This shit it hurts
This situation is painful

Like your fingers in a car door
Like the sensation of having your fingers pinched in a car door

I'm at my worst
I'm in a bad state

Say I'm okay but I'm not sure
I tell others I'm okay, but I'm uncertain

It'd be a first
It would be a new experience

If you didn't think I'm lying
If you actually believed me

What the fuck you think I'm hiding
What do you think I'm keeping from you?

I'm not trying to be violent
I'm not attempting to be aggressive

Turning blue just like I'm violet
I feel ill and discolored, like a violet flower

Cuz I said fuck air
Because I don't care about breathing

Need that THC the O2 just don't compare
I believe marijuana is better than oxygen for calming me down

They say believe in me but I really just don't care
Others claim to have faith in me, but I don't value their opinion

They may be onto me but I still be unaware
Others may suspect my issues, but I'm oblivious to them

The way y'all waking up so peacefully is unfair
It's not fair that others wake up happy and at peace while I struggle with my issues

I don't dare
I'm too afraid

Take that for granted
To underestimate the value of something

Wanna sleep
I want to rest

But I can't stand it
But I'm unable to rest

Honestly
To be truthful

I cannot manage
I'm unable to cope

Waking up
To become conscious in the morning

So empty handed
Feeling empty and unfulfilled

Light me up
To light a joint or cigarette

Just like that backwood
Like that brand of tobacco leaves

Tell me sum
Tell me something

To make me feel good
To uplift my mood

Even if you're really lying
Even if you're not telling the truth

Please just try your best to hide it
Please try not to make it obvious that you're lying