Fear
Blaze/Boondox/Monoxide Child Lyrics

Visions of my children wiping tear from open eyes
I imagine my kids crying at my funeral

As they kneel beside my coffin family say their last goodbyes
My family is mourning my death while my children are inconsolable at the reality of me being gone

But it's the faces of my babies got me trippin' thanking god for breath
My children's expressions of pain and misery makes me grateful for the gift of life

Expressions filled with pain has got me strapping on the vest
I'm reminded of the danger surrounding me and I prepare for it

And I know that I ain't living right I hang on borrowed time
I'm fully aware that my lifestyle choices might lead to my untimely death

And this life's gone leave them bastards cause they pops has got to grind
My kids will suffer in my absence because I have to work hard to provide for them

Little mouths have got to eat so I hug them hit the streets
I leave my kids to fend for themselves while I'm out trying to make a living

Spitting time with them and money got me feeling incomplete
Even when I spend time with my kids and provide for them financially, I still feel like something's missing

And I ain't scared of any motherfucker fight the flames of hell
I'm not afraid of any human or supernatural entity, but the thought of leaving my kids fatherless terrifies me

But a child without his dad has got me hiding in my shell
The idea of my kids growing up without me makes me want to retreat into myself

Got me shikin' in my boots to see them face this world alone
I'm petrified at the thought of my children having to navigate through life without me by their side

Are they strong enough to cope stuck in half a fuckin' home
I worry about whether my kids are resilient enough to overcome the challenges that come with having a single parent and a limited home

As I lay them down to sleep its all on me their soul to keep
I'm fully responsible for my kids' happiness and security, especially when they go to bed at night

And if I die before I wake I pray to God he's up there waitin'
If I die, I hope God is waiting for me in the afterlife

With an army full of angels strapped with gats cause I'm defying
I hope to have God's protection in the afterlife because I was always challenging the odds in life

Since I first became o father only fear I have is dying
Ever since I became a father, my biggest fear has been dying and leaving my children behind

After all that I have ever done
In the end, nothing will matter

And all that you will ever see for life
Only my legacy will last

Death beyond the grave
Death isn't the end, it's only the beginning

How will they remember me
What kind of legacy will I leave behind?

I only fear the loss of my voice
I only fear losing my ability to express myself

When it's gone the only noise is the pen, I'm a writer by choice
When I can no longer speak, writing will be my only means of expression

I can cut my tongue clean off and smoke myself toothless
Even if I lose my ability to speak or express myself, I will still persevere

I still be on the mic spittin' shit they call ruthless
I will never stop rapping, even if my voice fails me

The truth is I go deaf dumb and blind in one ear
I might grow old without some of my senses, but I will still continue living and rapping

And be the dopes deaf dumb blind guy you ever hear
Despite my shortcomings, I will never stop making music

I ain't scared of dyin death I've been there
I've experienced death so much that the thought of it no longer scares me

The pine box for many years my return ain't bull ain't no reincarnation
I've been buried in a coffin many times before, and I don't believe in reincarnation

Get lost in translation
People might misunderstand my message after I'm gone

Eyes open but I don't remember much
I'm conscious, but I can't remember how I got here

I try to focus but the light is bright as fuck
I can't see clearly because the light is blinding

I go to sit up but I'm strapped and stuck
I try to get up, but I'm restrained

Stuck panic can't say nothing like my jaw is wired shut
I'm panicked and unable to speak

How the fuck did get to where I am is still a mystery
I have no idea how I ended up in this situation

My memories not assistin' me as I lay here in misery
My memory isn't helping me as I suffer in pain

Literally hoping somebody would give me some kind of time
I'm desperately in need of assistance or attention

I'm I dead of alive
I'm unsure if I'm alive or dead

Is this a dream or a sign
I can't tell if this experience is real or a message from a higher power

Is there a chance I can find my mind and rewind
I hope I can regain my sanity and revisit how I got here

But paint me behind blinds and find something
But regardless of how it happened, I hope my suffering can somehow serve a purpose

It's like a game but nobody told me we were playing
Life can feel like a game with no instructions or guidance

And the fact that I don't know if I'm alive and sane
I'm unable to distinguish reality from delusion

And inside my brain only one thing remains
Despite my confusion, I'm only consumed by one thought

The fear of not knowing paralyzes almost everything
The fear of the unknown is crippling

A second can be my last breath
Life is fragile and fleeting

And my best guess is nothing with no memories left
When I eventually die, I'll lose everything, including my memories

I'm sorry
I regret not being able to enjoy life or leave a better legacy for my children