Master Of The House
Helena Bonham Carter Lyrics


Jump to: Overall Meaning ↴  Line by Line Meaning ↴

My band of soaks, my den of dissolutes
My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts
My sons of whores (no, no, no, no not tonight) spend their lives in my inn
Homing pigeons homing in
They fly through my doors
And they crawl out on all fours

Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down
And meet the best innkeeper in town
As for the rest, all of 'em crooks:
Rooking their guests and cooking the books
Seldom do you see
Honest men like me
A gent of good intent
Who's content to be

Master of the house, doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favor
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price!

Master of the house, keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
Watering the wine, making up the weight
Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases
Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!

Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye
Never was a passerby to pass him by
Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's chaperone
But lock up your valises
Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!

Food beyond compare. Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages with this and that
Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges
Plus some little extras on the side!
(Oh Santa!)

Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice
Two percent for looking in the mirror twice (Hand it over!)
Here a little slice, there a little cut
Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
When it comes to fixing prices
There are a lot of tricks I knows
How it all increases, all them bits and pieces
Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!

(Oh, sorry love
Must get something done about that)
I used to dream that I would meet a prince
But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?

Master of the house? Isn't worth my spit!
Comforter, philosopher and lifelong shit!
Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!

Master of the house!
Master and a half!
Comforter, philosopher
Don't make me laugh!
Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!

Everybody bless the landlord!
Everybody bless his spouse!

Everybody raise a glass




Raise it up the master's arse
Everybody raise a glass to the Master of the House!

Overall Meaning

The song "Master of the House" by Helena Bonham Carter is a comedic and somewhat satirical take on the character Monsieur Thénardier from the musical Les Misérables. Thénardier is an innkeeper who is known for being a crook and a swindler, but he also has a certain charm and charisma that allows him to get away with his misdeeds. The lyrics describe Thénardier's establishment as a den of misfits and ne'er-do-wells, and highlight his ability to manipulate and take advantage of his guests. Despite his dishonesty, Thénardier sees himself as a "gent of good intent" who is simply making a living, and he takes pride in his role as the "Master of the House."


The song is filled with witty wordplay and innuendo, as Thénardier boasts about his ability to fleece his customers and extort them for every penny they have. He brags about charging extra for lice and mice, and for looking in the mirror twice, and he even boasts about using questionable ingredients in his food. However, in the end, Thénardier's true nature is revealed as his wife declares him to be a "lifelong shit" and a "hypocrite and toady and inebriate."


Line by Line Meaning

My band of soaks, my den of dissolutes
The people I surround myself with are drunks and morally corrupt


My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts
I engage in foul humor and am always intoxicated


My sons of whores (no, no, no, no not tonight) spend their lives in my inn
The people who come to my inn are often the offspring of prostitutes and spend their lives drinking and carousing


Homing pigeons homing in
People flock to my inn like homing pigeons


They fly through my doors
Customers come through my doors quickly and excitedly


And they crawl out on all fours
Customers leave my inn crawling and drunk


Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down
I welcome my new customer and encourage them to make themselves comfortable


And meet the best innkeeper in town
I am the best innkeeper in town and take pride in this fact


As for the rest, all of 'em crooks:
Unfortunately, all other innkeepers are dishonest


Rooking their guests and cooking the books
They cheat their guests and falsify their accounting


Seldom do you see
It is rare to come across


Honest men like me
A man who is as truthful as I am


A gent of good intent
A gentleman with good intentions


Who's content to be
And is happy just the way they are


Master of the house, doling out the charm
Being the master of the house, I offer my patrons a charming personality


Ready with a handshake and an open palm
I am always welcoming and have an open hand for those I meet


Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
I enjoy telling scandalous stories and causing a bit of a commotion


Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
My clients like a good entertainer


Glad to do a friend a favor
I am always happy to help a friend


Doesn't cost me to be nice
Being nice to others doesn't cost me anything


But nothing gets you nothing
However, there is always a cost for any favor I provide


Everything has got a little price!
Every favor or assistance, no matter how small or large, comes at a cost


Master of the house, keeper of the zoo
I am the master of my establishment/history and manage it alone


Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
I am ready and willing to cheat my patrons, taking a sou or two from their pockets by any means possible


Watering the wine, making up the weight
I water down my wine supply to sell more and try to deceive customers by adding weights to dishes


Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
I take advantage of drunk customers by stealing their belongings when they cannot see or remember


Everybody loves a landlord
Everyone appreciates a good landlord


Everybody's bosom friend
Everyone considers me a close friend


I do whatever pleases
I only do what benefits me


Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!
I am always trying to get the most out of my clients and will bleed them dry if I can


Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye
I am easily noticeable and make sure to capture the attention of my customers


Never was a passerby to pass him by
No one ever overlooks me when they pass by my establishment as I am always making a fuss


Servant to the poor, butler to the great
I serve both the high and low classes alike


Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
People consider me a confidant and a friend for life


Everybody's boon companion
Everyone counts me as a friend


Everybody's chaperone
Everyone sees me as a guardian or companion of sorts


But lock up your valises
Although I am friendly, I also have a tendency to steal from those I am close to


Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!
I easily take advantage of the people around me


Food beyond compare. Food beyond belief
I serve incredible food in my establishment


Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
However, I often lie about the ingredients and claim things are beef when there is something else entirely in the dish


Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat
I use unappetizing ingredients to save money


Filling up the sausages with this and that
I fill my sausages with whatever ingredients I can get my hands on


Residents are more than welcome
Anyone is welcome to stay at my inn


Bridal suite is occupied
I have recently had someone use my inn's bridal suite


Reasonable charges
I charge a fair price for my patrons


Plus some little extras on the side!
However, I always try to upsell my patrons on extras they don't need


(Oh Santa!)
An exclamation of disbelief or shock


Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice
Anything I can think to charge customers for, I will, even for lice infestations and mice sightings


Two percent for looking in the mirror twice (Hand it over!)
I even charge my guests for looking in a mirror more than once


Here a little slice, there a little cut
I try to take a little off of my patrons whenever I can


Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
I find ways to charge more even for small things like keeping a window closed


When it comes to fixing prices
I am skillful at manipulating prices to my advantage


There are a lot of tricks I knows
I know all of the tricks necessary to get as much money as possible from my clients


How it all increases, all them bits and pieces
I know how to make money from many little things or from many sources


Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!
I'm astonished at how much money I can make from just a few tricks!


(Oh, sorry love Must get something done about that)
An apology for letting something slip and a plan to correct it


I used to dream that I would meet a prince
I used to think I would meet a handsome and wealthy prince


But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
However, that dream has not come true, and my current situation is partially because of my own making


Master of the house? Isn't worth my spit!
I find the title of 'Master of the House' to be contemptible


Comforter, philosopher and lifelong shit!
I am no comforter, no philosopher, and my life is crap


Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
While I may not be educated, I am clever and crafty like Voltaire


Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
I think I am somewhat of a ladies man, but in reality, there's not much appeal to me


What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse
It's a cruel joke that I ended up accompanying such an unpleasant man


God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!
I don't know how I have managed to live with this man this long


Master of the house!
He is the master of the house!


Master and a half!
He thinks he is in charge of everybody and everything!


Comforter, philosopher
He thinks he is a source of comfort and wisdom


Don't make me laugh!
That's laughable!


Servant to the poor, butler to the great
He may help people of all classes


Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!
But he is really a hypocrite who caters to everyone, who drinks excessively, and who is a yes-man


Everybody bless the landlord!
Everyone loves the landlord


Everybody bless his spouse!
Everyone loves the landlord's wife


Everybody raise a glass
Everyone raise a glass in honor of the landlord


Raise it up the master's arse
Raise your glass up in a rude gesture in honor of the landlord


Everybody raise a glass to the Master of the House!
Everyone raise a glass in honor of the landlord being the master of the house!




Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner Chappell Music, Inc.
Written by: Alain Albert Boublil, Claude Michel Schonberg, Herbert Kretzmer, Jean Marc Natel

Lyrics Licensed & Provided by LyricFind
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Most interesting comments from YouTube:

@sophiemangan2001

"Master Of The House"
(performed by Sacha Baron Cohen, Helena Bonham Carter and Cast)

My band of soaks, my den of dissolute's
My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts
My sons of whores spend their lives in my inn,
Homing pigeons homing in
They fly through my doors,
And they crawl out on all fours

Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down
And meet the best innkeeper in town
As for the rest, all of 'em crooks:
Rooking their guests and crooking the books
Seldom do you see
Honest men like me
A gent of good intent
Who's content to be

Master of the house, doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favor
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price!

Master of the house, keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
Watering the wine, making up the weight
Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases
Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!

Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby to pass him by
Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's chaperone
But lock up your valises
Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!

Food beyond compare. Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages with this and that
Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges
Plus some little extras on the side!
(Oh Santa!)

Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice
Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice, there a little cut
Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
When it comes to fixing prices
There are a lot of tricks I knows
How it all increases, all them bits and pieces
Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!

(Oh, sorry love
Let's get something done about that)
I used to dream that I would meet a prince
But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?

Master of the house? Isn't worth my spit!
Comforter, philosopher' and lifelong shit!
Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!

Master of the house!
Master and a half!
Comforter, philosopher
Don't make me laugh!
Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!

Everybody bless the landlord!
Everybody bless his spouse!

Everybody raise a glass
Raise it up the master's arse
Everybody raise a glass to the Master of the House!



@sophiemangan2001

Cast)

My band of soaks, my den of dissolute's
My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts
My sons of whores spend their lives in my inn,
Homing pigeons homing in
They fly through my doors,
And they crawl out on all fours

Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down
And meet the best innkeeper in town
As for the rest, all of 'em crooks:
Rooking their guests and crooking the books
Seldom do you see
Honest men like me
A gent of good intent
Who's content to be

Master of the house, doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favor
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price!

Master of the house, keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
Watering the wine, making up the weight
Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases
Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!

Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby to pass him by
Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's chaperone
But lock up your valises
Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!

Food beyond compare. Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages with this and that
Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges
Plus some little extras on the side!
(Oh Santa!)

Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice
Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice, there a little cut
Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
When it comes to fixing prices
There are a lot of tricks I knows
How it all increases, all them bits and pieces
Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!

(Oh, sorry love
Let's get something done about that)
I used to dream that I would meet a prince
But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?

Master of the house? Isn't worth my spit!
Comforter, philosopher' and lifelong shit!
Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!

Master of the house!
Master and a half!
Comforter, philosopher
Don't make me laugh!
Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!

Everybody bless the landlord!
Everybody bless his spouse!

Everybody raise a glass
Raise it up the master's arse
Everybody raise a glass to the Master of the House!



@larafernandes1336

Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down
And meet the best innkeeper in town
As for the rest, all of 'em crooks:
Rooking their guests and cooking the books
Seldom do you see
Honest men like me
A gent of good intent
Who's content to be

Master of the house, doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favor
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price!

Master of the house, keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
Watering the wine, making up the weight
Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases
Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!

Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby to pass him by
Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's chaperone
But lock up your valises
Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!

Food beyond compare. Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages with this and that
Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges
Plus some little extras on the side!
(Oh Santa!)

Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice
Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice, there a little cut
Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
When it comes to fixing prices
There are a lot of tricks I knows
How it all increases, all them bits and pieces
Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!

(Oh, sorry love
Let's get something done about that)
I used to dream that I would meet a prince
But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?

Master of the house? Isn't worth my spit!
Comforter, philosopher' and lifelong shit!
Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!

Master of the house!
Master and a half!
Comforter, philosopher
Don't make me laugh!
Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!

Everybody bless the landlord!
Everybody bless his spouse!

Everybody raise a glass
Raise it up the master's arse
Everybody raise a glass to the Master of the House!



All comments from YouTube:

@mackenziesigmon898

While Voldemort was recovering, Bellatrix had to lie low for a while

@haybreach4627

Mackenzie Sigmon omg

@jillpaton5274

Omg yes

@samthebroadwaygeek2243

Yessssss I love this haha!!!

@tedmitten8832

And we mean really low. Like rock bottom low

@lilydoves12

Haha lol

24 More Replies...

@ibukimybeloved3773

The only comedic relief in this emotional rollercoaster of a movie

@1painting434

You forgot the bits where Russell Crow sings.

@adamgolec2647

RIP my sides.

@GTA5Player1

I suppose you aren't one to appreciate the comedy in hilariously bad acting.

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