Master Of The House
Helena Bonham Carter & Les Misérables Cast & Sacha Baron Cohen Lyrics

My band of soaks, my den of dissolute's
My group of drunkards, my dwelling for immoral people

My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts
My indecent humor, my always drunk patrons

My sons of whores spend there lives in my inn,
My illegitimate children spend their lives in my tavern

Homing pigeons homing in
Patrons flock to my establishment

They fly through my doors,
They enter my establishment eagerly

And they crawl out on all fours
They leave my establishment in a drunken state

Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down
Welcome, sir, take a seat

And meet the best innkeeper in town
And meet the most skilled tavern operator in town

As for the rest, all of 'em crooks:
As for the other tavern operators, they are all dishonest

Rooking their guests and crooking the books
Cheating their customers and falsifying their records

Seldom do you see
It is rare to find

Honest men like me
Honest men like myself

A gent of good intent
A gentleman with good intentions

Who's content to be
Who is satisfied with being

Master of the house, doling out the charm
Owner of the tavern, providing charm to the customers

Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Prepared to greet you with a handshake and an open hand

Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
Shares racy stories, causes a bit of a commotion

Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Customers enjoy a lively and cultured host

Glad to do a friend a favor
Happy to help out a friend

Doesn't cost me to be nice
It doesn't require any expense for me to be friendly

But nothing gets you nothing
However, there is always a price to pay

Everything has got a little price!
Everything comes at a cost!

Master of the house, keeper of the zoo
Owner of the tavern, responsible for managing the chaos

Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
Ready to take advantage of their wallets

Watering the wine, making up the weight
Diluting the wine, cheating on the measurement

Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
Stealing their belongings when they are too drunk to notice

Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody likes an owner of a business

Everybody's bosom friend
Everybody's close friend

I do whatever pleases
I do whatever makes me happy

Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!
Mercy! I will surely exploit them eventually!

Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye
Owner of the tavern who quickly attracts attention

Never wants a passerby to pass him by
Never wants to miss a chance to make a sale

Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Serves the poor and caters to the wealthy

Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
Provides comfort, wisdom, and lifelong companionship!

Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's close ally

Everybody's chaperone
Everybody's escort or guide

But lock up your valises
But be sure to lock up your luggage

Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!
Good Lord! I will certainly rob you completely!

Food beyond compare. Food beyond belief
Food that is unmatched and incredible

Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Grind it up and pretend it's beef

Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat
Horse kidneys, cat livers

Filling up the sausages with this and that
Stuffing sausages with various unknown ingredients

Residents are more than welcome
Customers are more than welcome to stay overnight

Bridal suite is occupied
The honeymoon suite is currently being used

Reasonable charges
Charges are reasonable

Plus some little extras on the side!
Plus some additional fees not mentioned upfront!

(Oh Santa!)
(Oh my God!)

Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice
Charge them for the lice and extra for the mice

Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
Two percent extra charge for checking yourself out twice in the mirror

Here a little slice, there a little cut
A little charge here, a little surcharge there

Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
Three percent extra charge for sleeping with the window closed

When it comes to fixing prices
When it comes to setting prices

There are a lot of tricks I knows
There are many tactics I am aware of

How it all increases, all them bits and pieces
How it all adds up, all the little bits and pieces

Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!
Good Lord! It's incredible how it expands!

(Oh, sorry love
(Oh, excuse me dear

Let's get something done about that)
Let's take care of that right away)

I used to dream that I would meet a prince
I used to dream that I would marry a prince

But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
But my goodness, look at what has happened instead!

Master of the house? Isn't worth my spit!
Owner of the tavern? Not worth my effort!

Comforter, philosopher' and lifelong shit!
Provider of comfort, wisdom, and a lifelong disgrace!

Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
Intelligent mind, similar to Voltaire

Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
Thinks he's a great lover, but lacks skill

What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse
What a cruel joke of fate to be stuck with such a terrible partner

God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!
God knows how I've managed to live with this unpleasant man in the same house!

Master of the house!
Owner of the tavern!

Master and a half!
Tavern owner extraordinaire!

Comforter, philosopher
Provider of comfort and wisdom

Don't make me laugh!
That's a joke!

Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Serves the poor, caters to the wealthy

Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!
A hypocrite, a flatterer, and a drunk!

Everybody bless the landlord!
Everybody give praise to the tavern owner!

Everybody bless his spouse!
Everybody give praise to his wife!

Everybody raise a glass
Everybody raise a toast

Raise it up the master's arse
Raise it up in the owner's honor

Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house
Everybody raise a toast to the owner of the tavern