Master Of The House
Jennifer Butt Lyrics

My band of soaks, my den of dissolute's
My group of heavy drinkers, my place of immoral people

My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts
My crude humor, my constantly intoxicated state

My sons of whores spend their lives in my inn
My guests who are unfaithful and promiscuous live in my establishment

Homing pigeons homing in
Guests returning to my establishment

They fly through my doors, And they crawl out on all fours
Guests arrive with enthusiasm but leave in disarray

Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down
Welcome, sir, please have a seat

And meet the best innkeeper in town
And meet the most skilled host in the city

As for the rest, all of 'em crooks
As for the other innkeepers, they are all dishonest

Rooking their guests and crooking the books
Cheating their customers and falsifying accounting records

Seldom do you see Honest men like me
Rarely does one encounter honest people like me

A gent of good intent Who's content to be
A well-meaning gentleman who is satisfied with his situation

Master of the house, doling out the charm
The owner of the establishment, providing charisma to his patrons

Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Prepared to shake hands and lend money

Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
Shares a risque anecdote, causes a bit of a commotion

Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Patrons enjoy a jovial, convivial atmosphere

Glad to do a friend a favor
Happy to assist a friend

Doesn't cost me to be nice
Being kind does not require much effort from me

But nothing gets you nothing
But there is always a cost to everything

Everything has got a little price
Something is always expected in return

Master of the house, keeper of the zoo
The owner of the establishment, managing the chaos

Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
Prepared to take a little money from them

Watering the wine, making up the weight
Diluting the wine, adding questionable substances to the food

Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
Collecting their possessions when they are too intoxicated to notice

Everybody loves a landlord
Everyone enjoys a welcoming host

Everybody's bosom friend
Everyone's close friend

I do whatever pleases
I do what satisfies me

Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!
My actions will result in their financial loss

Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye
The owner of the establishment, eager to be noticed

Never wants a passerby to pass him by
Never wants someone to ignore or bypass the establishment

Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Serving the less fortunate, but also serving the wealthy

Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
Providing solace, wisdom, and lifelong companionship

Everybody's boon companion
Everyone's close ally

Everybody's chaperone
Everyone's guide

But lock up your valises
But be cautious with your possessions

Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!
My actions will result in their financial ruin

Food beyond compare. Food beyond belief
Unmatched, almost unbelievable cuisine

Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Grinding and mixing various meats to appear as if they are beef

Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat
Using less desirable animal organs in food preparation

Filling up the sausages with this and that
Stuffing sausages with various substances

Residents are more than welcome
Guests are encouraged to stay for an extended period

Bridal suite is occupied
The honeymoon suite is currently being used

Reasonable charges
Costs that are fair and reasonable

Plus some little extras on the side!
But there may be additional, hidden fees

(Oh Santa!)
(Expression of excitement)

Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice
Charge them for the infestation of lice, and extra for the presence of mice

Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
Charge them two percent more if they use the mirror twice

Here a little slice, there a little cut
Charge them a bit here, and another fee there

Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
Charge them an additional three percent for closing the window when sleeping

When it comes to fixing prices
When it comes to determining costs

There are a lot of tricks I knows
There are many ways I have learned

How it all increases, all them bits and pieces
How costs accumulate, all the small details

Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!
It's astounding how much the costs escalate!

(Oh, sorry love Let's get something done about that)
(Expression of apology and a desire to fix something)

I used to dream that I would meet a prince
I had once hoped to find a wealthy, romantic partner

But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
But my life has taken a different, unpleasant turn

Master of the house? Isn't worth my spit!
The owner of the establishment is not worthy of my disdain!

Comforter, philosopher' and lifelong shit!
Someone who provides support, claims to be a wise person, but is actually worthless!

Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
A clever, quick-thinking person, much like the philosopher Voltaire

Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
Believes he is a great romantic partner, but has limited appeal

What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse
What a terrible fate that I ended up with such an unpleasant, unpleasant person

God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!
I do not know how I have endured living with such a terrible person!

Master of the house!
The owner of the establishment

Master and a half!
A powerful and skilled owner

Comforter, philosopher
A caregiver and expert in life's larger questions

Don't make me laugh!
But that's a ridiculous notion!

Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Assisting the less fortunate, but also serving the wealthy

Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!
A false and insincere flatterer, frequently drunk!

Everybody bless the landlord!
Everyone show appreciation for the host!

Everybody bless his spouse!
Everyone show appreciation for the host's partner!

Everybody raise a glass
Everyone hold up a drink

Raise it up the master's arse
Raise the glass mocking the host

Everybody raise a glass to the Master of the House!
Everyone cheers to the host despite their faults