Master Of The House
Les Misérables - The Complete Symphonic Recording Lyrics

My band of soaks, my den of dissolutes
My group of intoxicated individuals, my gathering of morally corrupt people

My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts
My vulgar humor, my perpetually drunk companions

My sons of whores (no, no, no, no not tonight) spend their lives in my inn
My illegitimate offspring work and live in my establishment

Homing pigeons homing in
Customers flocking to my inn

They fly through my doors
They enter my establishment swiftly

And they crawl out on all fours
And they leave in a drunken or disheveled manner

Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down
Greetings, sir, please take a seat

And meet the best innkeeper in town
And encounter the most skilled proprietor in the area

As for the rest, all of 'em crooks:
Regarding the others, they are all dishonest individuals

Rooking their guests and cooking the books
Cheating their customers and falsifying financial records

Seldom do you see
Rarely do you witness

Honest men like me
Men of integrity like myself

A gent of good intent
A man with honorable intentions

Who's content to be
Who is satisfied with

Master of the house, doling out the charm
In control of the establishment, dispensing charisma

Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Always prepared to greet with a friendly gesture and generosity

Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
Shares provocative stories, creates some excitement

Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Patrons value an entertaining and pleasure-loving host

Glad to do a friend a favor
Happy to assist a companion

Doesn't cost me to be nice
Being kind doesn't require any payment from me

But nothing gets you nothing
However, you cannot receive something without giving in return

Everything has got a little price!
Everything comes with a small cost!

Master of the house, keeper of the zoo
Controller of the inn, caretaker of the chaotic environment

Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
Prepared to take a few pennies from them

Watering the wine, making up the weight
Diluting the wine, falsifying the measurement

Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
Stealing their small valuable items when they are intoxicated

Everybody loves a landlord
Everyone holds affection for a landlord

Everybody's bosom friend
Everyone's intimate confidant

I do whatever pleases
I do whatever brings satisfaction

Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!
Goodness! I will surely exploit them for money eventually!

Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye
In control of the establishment, quick to attract attention

Never was a passerby to pass him by
Never would a bystander ignore him

Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Servant to the impoverished, butler to the influential

Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
Consoler, thinker, and lifelong companion!

Everybody's boon companion
Everyone's close friend

Everybody's chaperone
Everyone's escort or guardian

But lock up your valises
But safeguard your suitcases

Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!
Goodness! I will undeniably exploit you to the extreme!

Food beyond compare. Food beyond belief
Extraordinary food. Unbelievable cuisine

Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Blend it in a grinder and falsely claim it's beef

Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat
Using the kidney of a horse, liver of a cat

Filling up the sausages with this and that
Stuffing the sausages with various ingredients

Residents are more than welcome
Residents are highly encouraged to visit

Bridal suite is occupied
The luxurious room for newlyweds is currently in use

Reasonable charges
Fair prices

Plus some little extras on the side!
As well as some additional hidden fees!

(Oh Santa!)
(Oh my goodness!)

Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice
Bill them for the lice, additional fee for the mice

Two percent for looking in the mirror twice (Hand it over!)
Charge two percent for glancing in the mirror twice (Give it to me!)

Here a little slice, there a little cut
Take a small portion here, make a slight deduction there

Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
Add three percent for keeping the window closed while sleeping

When it comes to fixing prices
When it comes to setting costs

There are a lot of tricks I knows
I know numerous tactics

How it all increases, all them bits and pieces
How everything gradually accumulates, all those small components

Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!
Goodness! It's astonishing how it multiplies!

(Oh, sorry love
(Oh, my apologies, my dear

Must get something done about that)
I must address that matter)

I used to dream that I would meet a prince
I once imagined I would encounter a prince

But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
But my word, have you witnessed the events that have unfolded since then?

Master of the house? Isn't worth my spit!
Master of the house? Not even deserving of my saliva!

Comforter, philosopher and lifelong shit!
Consoler, philosopher, and lifelong wretch!

Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
Clever little mind, like a frequent Voltaire

Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
Believes he is a remarkable lover, but lacks substance

What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse
What a dreadful twist of fate bestowed upon me this despicable person

God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!
Only God knows how I have endured living with this miserable person in my home!

Master of the house!
In control of the establishment!

Master and a half!
Master and then some!

Comforter, philosopher
Consoler, thinker

Don't make me laugh!
That's laughable!

Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Servant to the disadvantaged, butler to the influential

Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!
Phony and sycophantic and always drunk!

Everybody bless the landlord!
Everyone praise the landlord!

Everybody bless his spouse!
Everyone praise his spouse!

Everybody raise a glass
Everyone lift a glass

Raise it up the master's arse
Raise it as a toast to the master

Everybody raise a glass to the Master of the House!
Everyone toast to the Master of the House!