Master Of The House
M. & Mme. Thénardier and Customers Lyrics

My band of soaks, my den of dissolute's
My group of heavy drinkers, my place of morally corrupt individuals

My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts
The obscene humor I enjoy, my constant state of drunkenness

My sons of whores spend their lives in my inn
The prostitutes who work at my establishment are like family to me

Homing pigeons homing in
The customers always come back to my inn

They fly through my doors,
The customers come in quickly and frequently

And they crawl out on all fours
The customers leave in a state of drunkenness and exhaustion

Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down
Hello, Sir, please take a seat

And meet the best innkeeper in town
I am the most skilled and experienced innkeeper in this area

As for the rest, all of 'em crooks
All other innkeepers are dishonest and untrustworthy

Rooking their guests and crooking the books
They cheat their customers and falsify their records

Seldom do you see
It is a rare occurrence to witness

Honest men like me
An upstanding man, such as myself

A gent of good intent
A man with honorable motives

Who's content to be
I am satisfied with my current position

Master of the house, doling out the charm
As the owner, I am constantly charming my guests

Ready with a handshake and an open palm
I am always ready and willing to help my guests

Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
I am known for my entertaining stories and attention-grabbing behavior

Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Guests enjoy a host who knows how to have fun

Glad to do a friend a favor
I am happy to help a friend in need

Doesn't cost me to be nice
Being friendly doesn't require any effort from me

But nothing gets you nothing
You can't expect something for nothing

Everything has got a little price
Everything I do comes with a cost

Master of the house, keeper of the zoo
As the owner, I am responsible for the unruly and unpredictable guests

Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
I am always looking for ways to make a little extra money from my guests

Watering the wine, making up the weight
I tamper with the drinks and food to increase my profits

Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
I steal from my intoxicated guests without their knowledge

Everybody loves a landlord
People have affection for their hosts

Everybody's bosom friend
Everyone finds comfort in knowing me

I do whatever pleases
I am selfish and act in my own interests

Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!
I will take everything they have in the end

Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye
I am always trying to get guests' attention

Never wants a passerby to pass him by
I want everyone to come in and stay at my establishment

Servant to the poor, butler to the great
I cater to both the rich and the poor

Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
I am all things to all guests, providing them with comfort and wisdom

Everybody's boon companion
Everyone enjoys my company

Everybody's chaperone
I act as a guide and protector for my guests

But lock up your valises
Keep your luggage secured

Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!
I will steal everything from you that I can

Food beyond compare. Food beyond belief
My food is unmatched and unbelievable

Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
I substitute low-quality meat and lie to my customers

Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat
I use the cheapest and lowest quality ingredients possible

Filling up the sausages with this and that
I put things in the sausages that shouldn't be there

Residents are more than welcome
Long-term guests are encouraged to stay

Bridal suite is occupied
The honeymoon suite is currently in use

Reasonable charges
I charge a fair price for my services

Plus some little extras on the side!
I charge extra for additional services

(Oh Santa!)
Exclamation of surprise or excitement

Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice
I charge additional fees for unexpected problems

Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
I charge for silly or unnecessary actions

Here a little slice, there a little cut
I make small charges for many different things

Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
I charge extra for guests' personal preferences

When it comes to fixing prices
When I set prices for my services

There are a lot of tricks I knows
I am very knowledgeable about how to set prices to my advantage

How it all increases, all them bits and pieces
I am amazed at how my profits keep growing

Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!
My profits increase beyond belief

(Oh, sorry love
Apologetic expression

Let's get something done about that)
I will take care of that issue

I used to dream that I would meet a prince
I used to dream of a better life

But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
My current life is much different than my dreams

Master of the house? Isn't worth my spit!
I do not respect the title or position of the innkeeper

Comforter, philosopher' and lifelong shit!
They are not a source of comfort or wisdom and are completely useless

Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
They think they are very smart and clever, like the famous writer Voltaire

Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
They believe themselves to be a skilled lover, but in reality, they are not

What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse
I am unlucky to have ended up with such a terrible person

God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!
I do not know how I have put up with this insufferable person for so long

Master of the house!
The title of the innkeeper

Master and a half!
An exclamation of contempt for the innkeeper

Comforter, philosopher
Titles that the innkeeper uses to describe themselves

Don't make me laugh!
An expression of disbelief or skepticism

Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!
The innkeeper is two-faced, obsequious, and drunk

Everybody bless the landlord!
A sarcastic expression of approval for the innkeeper

Everybody bless his spouse!
A sarcastic expression of approval for the innkeeper's partner

Everybody raise a glass
A request to toast

Raise it up the master's arse
An insult to the innkeeper while pretending to toast them

Everybody raise a glass to the Master of the House!
A sarcastic ending to the song, mocking the innkeeper's title